Open Poetry #1 |
Eyes 00 |
Sundance Member
since 1999-07-11
Posts 123 |
(thanks to Artur, your suggestions r always welcome! ) Thou look at me from different eyes, than when I saw thee last. Because when last I saw thee, We had a blast! Your eyes have changed fron gaiety, many other things different, They are cloudy and changed, although they are still reverent. Where did those happy eyes go? They were a sight to see, Parties were attended, Why did thee do that to me? Although those eyes are now gone, I still love thee, for as thou art, you mean the world to me. [This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-20-99).] [This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).] [This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).] [This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).] [This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).] |
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© Copyright 1999 Sundance - All Rights Reserved | |||
Sundance Member
since 1999-07-11
Posts 123 |
Please, give me some feedback, I really need it!!! |
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Ohme Senior Member
since 1999-07-17
Posts 816Texas |
I Like it Sundance. Only thing I would do different is not use the word you and the word thee in the same poem. Like the subject, like the poem |
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Sundance Member
since 1999-07-11
Posts 123 |
Thanks for the suggestion, I'll do that! [This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-20-99).] |
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Sundance Member
since 1999-07-11
Posts 123 |
Anyone else? |
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Artur Hawkwing Member
since 1999-06-30
Posts 444USA |
Hehe second to last line, how about converting "you are" to "thou art"? Let's see how that works. It'd be even cool to see the last line "you" changed to "thou". I still wonder if "mean" can be changed to anything to suit the "thou", though. |
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Sundance Member
since 1999-07-11
Posts 123 |
Thanks, I'll try your suggestion! |
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Artur Hawkwing Member
since 1999-06-30
Posts 444USA |
Come on, how about including "art"? and ... thou is like "you" where you say "mean" instead of "means"..... am I going crazy or what? |
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Sundance Member
since 1999-07-11
Posts 123 |
Thanks, I'll try yet another suggestion! Hehehe |
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Sundance Member
since 1999-07-11
Posts 123 |
Anyone else? |
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Artur Hawkwing Member
since 1999-06-30
Posts 444USA |
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Sundance Member
since 1999-07-11
Posts 123 |
Thanks! |
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