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The Pit
| Open Poetry #1 |
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The Pit |
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Gentle Soul Member
since 1999-07-12
Posts 273Vinton,Ohio USA |
The Pit Happy! Oh So Happy, running and frolicking joyful and gay! Gentle soul begins to be so happy she is blinded to the fact some of her friends will fade. In a field with flowers, and essence of sweet She plays with Love, and Joy and Content and Popularity She has an argument with Popularity He leaves them, taking a little of Joy and most of Content Now, playing cards with Love, most of Joy and a little Content, Content accuses Gentle soul of cheating. So she leaves and Jealousy appears Jealousy brings Depression and it fights with Joy, and wins. Gentlesoul, getting up from the game. Love begins to fade She starts to walk, entering the wilderness Love is now invisible but still present, omnipotent, but the feelings not there With Depression on her shoulders, and Jealousy tugging her farther in the woods they get farther in the woods, and Jealousy introduces her to a man. His name is Lust, but dressed as Love, she thought she was reunited. Gentlesoul embraced Lust being coaxed to do things she never would do before With Depression on her shoulders and Lust in her arms, Jealousy tugs on her as she stumbles in a cave.. Dark and scary she steps into the cave not noticing the sign inscribed “Evil” The first few steps were scary and foreboding. Then it got easy. She became relieved as she continued to walk. One more step and she feels the next will be doom. She stops, turns around, and everyone is gone, she yells out in fear, and turns back around feeling a push Falling into the pit, GentleSoul repents to God. “Oh God!” she screamed “I’m sorry so sorry! Please forgive me! I don’t wanna have the company I keep now but how do I get rid of them? Just as she said that, she froze in mid-air. She sees a man walk up to her, at first she is afraid because he is not like the typical angel. He introduces himself as Darkangel it scares her more.. But through it all he shows Gentlesoul the light, taking her by the hand. He lays down a bridge, and names it Putting “Tunnel of Light” over the top leading her to the right way, she stops. Turning around she looks at her old friends, Jealousy, Lust, and Depression… Falling to the ground she yells “What have I done?!” Bending down with her Darkangel tells her his story, at one time he had done the same thing, ran with the same dark crowd, that he too thought he was a failure at one time.. And he wasn’t going to let the same happen to her that evil could not have her. So he turns her around, and shows her the bright end of the tunnel and she saw all her old old friends, Love and Joy and Content! But there was one that she did not see, Popularity.. she looked behind her and there he was, with Lust and Depression and Jealousy, then all three turned into Popularity And when she looked at the bright tunnel the other three turned into Peace.. and Darkangel told her, “You have a choice and I will support you in what you decide” So she took his hand, smiled to strive for the bright tunnel stumbling and tripping, never to look back at the dark side again. ------------------ Gënt£ë¤§°û£ [This message has been edited by Gentle Soul (edited 07-14-99).] [This message has been edited by Gentle Soul (edited 07-15-99).] [This message has been edited by Gentle Soul (edited 07-15-99).] [This message has been edited by Gentle Soul (edited 07-15-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Gentle Soul - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Lovely first piece, other than a little work on stanzas and rhythm, the talent is very much there. Being somewhat relating to me, my opinion is suspect.  ------------------ I am not responsible for how you choose to interpret what I say. DreamEvil© |
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IsabelleSkye Member
since 1999-06-27
Posts 253 |
I am just offering a suggestion, feel free to take it or leave it. I am, by no means a poet, I have never been schooled in poetry..I just LOVE it! Well here goes! First of all, less is more. What I mean is that using less, but more varied words makes a poem flow more easily (mostly) and read nicer. Read your poems out loud to yourself, make sure they flow and roll nicely off the tongue. Get a thesaurus or go to an online one, they are invaluable to a poet! Here's a tiny rewrite of the beginning of your poem, I understand you may hate it and that is fine. It is just a humble offering of friendship (by the way, I think this poem has loads of possibilities! It is off to a great start and is a neat idea!) Love Izzyin a flower dotted meadow ripe with the scents of nature Gentlesoul found her light Happy! Oh So Happy! as she laughed there and placed her trust that she so gently tended in the garden of her heart in friend after friend unable to believe her good fortune as she played with Love, and Joy and Contentment and Popularity after a time she found Popularity arrogant and a fool so she spake her heart and then sadly watched him leave as he took a little of Joy and most of Contentment along with him on his proud journey ------------------ Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.....Henry David Thoreau |
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Gentle Soul Member
since 1999-07-12
Posts 273Vinton,Ohio USA |
Thank you.. yes.. I have a hard time with thinking of shorter ways to put things.. I apologize.. it is way long.. I have never considered posting any of my poems.. cuz I kinda consider my stuff.. just stupid outbursts when I get mad.. this one.. I have to thank DreamEvil.. he requested me to write one on how I feel.. and this is just a part of my life... I think there will be more.. and I will try my best to shorten them in due time ------------------ Gënt£ë¤§°û£ |
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IsabelleSkye Member
since 1999-06-27
Posts 253 |
My poetry started as therapy to ease my suffering heart last Summer. I will post one called Habits some day soon. Alls it is, is words THROWN at my computer, yet I felt so much better after that! Poetry as therapy is an awesome tool! Keep up the good work, I look forward to seeing more from you! Luv Izzzzzzzzy ------------------ Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.....Henry David Thoreau |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
i love it the story telling is magnificent not to long wish was longer heart felt gratitude for your posting this walt |
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Gentle Soul Member
since 1999-07-12
Posts 273Vinton,Ohio USA |
thank you walt.. I feel so amateur to all you guys.. ehehehe.. ------------------ Gënt£ë¤§°û£ |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
It is an incredibly beautiful story, such as the stories ancients used to tell about the creation of the world. I wouldn't change a thing. |
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Gentle Soul Member
since 1999-07-12
Posts 273Vinton,Ohio USA |
Thank you.. my utmost gratitude.. Dreamevil talks of you so highly.. and it almost gives me a rush.. hehehe.. Ive got a huge smile on my face.. lol ------------------ Gënt£ë¤§°û£ |
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~one voice~ Senior Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 664Billings, MT USA |
Gentle Soul, I think this poem is very creative! Amazing! I love your used emotions as characters...brilliant! Now, perhaps with a little editing such as the suggestions given above...this poem really does have potential as Isabelle says! I love it! I really do!!!! ------------------ ~one voice~ *You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.* |
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Gentle Soul Member
since 1999-07-12
Posts 273Vinton,Ohio USA |
I think I will leave it alone.. and leave as trial and error, to show how I have improved thank you anyways.. its great advice... and I will keep it in mind |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Keep 'em coming, Gentle Soul - I love the genre of this poem - and keep listening to DreamEvil - He's pointing you in the right direction...  |
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Gentle Soul Member
since 1999-07-12
Posts 273Vinton,Ohio USA |
thank you.. and yep.. Dream is very nice.. ------------------ Gënt£ë¤§°û£ |
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Gentle Soul Member
since 1999-07-12
Posts 273Vinton,Ohio USA |
It will change from time to time.. I seem really moody... and I apologize |
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azblond Senior Member
since 1999-07-01
Posts 637The Steamy Desert |
You will find in time moods bring forth the best work from our hearts...keep going...your doing great. I loved this one too!! |
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jfreak Member
since 1999-06-17
Posts 306Yuma, AZ, USA |
this poem reminds me so much of the Middle Ages play Everyman. It use such names like your Joy, Contentment, Popularity. As I was reading this I was like this sounds so much like Everyman. Oh well you can probably check out the play at any library and see what I mean. It isn't the greatest play ever, but it was an awesome play for its time considering how much THE CHURCH despised the fine arts during the middle ages. It was a literary treasure for that time. Oh well I thought I would just throw that little tidbit in there. Good day and God bless. In Christ, Jfreak |
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Gentle Soul Member
since 1999-07-12
Posts 273Vinton,Ohio USA |
Yes, I had to read Everyman in High School.. thats where I got my idea of naming my characters after how I felt.. Gentle Soul, is very much me, as the other moods follow me.. thats why sometimes when reading the pit, and what I add to it.. you'll see me and I cuz I forget to tal;k in 3rd person somtimes ------------------ Gënt£ë¤§°û£ |
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