Searching For What You Tried To Teach

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Open Poetry #1

Searching For What You Tried To Teach

blueloon
Member

since 1999-07-07

Posts 161
NY

0 posted 1999-07-09 12:00 PM

The words that you wrote spelled out home
A sign of what should be mine.
But something seemed to lurk within the words
Something that would make "home" alittle less
everytime our feet returned to the roots
the roots we have shed.

I read between the lines
to search for something to call my own
yet nothing you wrote showed a sign
a sign that you were listening.

For this is what I read:

Empty pages,
long imaginative phrases
and stark white spaces.
Filled with inky blue dictions of your wit
and vacant masses of insignificant clatter.

Still, you leave me with the burden of
searching for something to call my own.

[This message has been edited by blueloon (edited 07-09-99).]

[This message has been edited by blueloon (edited 07-09-99).]

jfreak
Member

since 1999-06-17

Posts 306
Yuma, AZ, USA

1 posted 1999-07-09 01:07 PM

Okay, now bluebird let me tell you this. You have got a knack for writing. It just needs to be tweaked a little. What I am a saying is this. This poem is real jerky. You didn't keep a constant rhyme scheme with it. You started out with the first two lines rhyming and then you totally changed it with every other two lines rhyming and then sometimes you would just throw in a line that didn't rhyme with anything. Now I know poetry doesn't have to rhyme to be poetry. Once you start rhyming in a poem though you need to maintain that scheme or you most certainly are going to lose your audience's attention. So from now on when you write find a scheme you want to write in and then maintain that. You are a talented poet, no doubt. Just hone your skills.

Jfreak

blueloon
Member

since 1999-07-07

Posts 161
NY

2 posted 1999-07-09 01:57 PM

Thank you jfreak for taking the time to read and comment. I have made some changes and hope that you will have some feedback!
blueloon

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

3 posted 1999-07-09 06:54 PM

I agree completely. The talent is definitely there. Stay with it. We are here for you.

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