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Open Poetry #2

afraid

Dumblon
New Member

since 1999-09-10

Posts 6
Erie, PA

0 posted 1999-09-10 04:27 PM

I am afraid.
No need to fear.
No desire to be frightened.
It's unjustified,
Unquantified,
Unchanging.
I still am afraid.

I love you.
Do you love me?
We're best friends,
Friends should be.
Are we?

My heart heals, much of it on it's own.
What a raw deal, I don't want to be alone.
Bitterness I have but try not to show.
I live for today for tommorrow, who knows.

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(email)Dumblon86@webtv.net(/email)

desperado
Member

since 1999-05-24

Posts 312
FT Hood,Tx

1 posted 1999-09-10 06:27 PM

welcome. just a few notices about some grammatical errors (in my mind, which, as most people know, doesn't exsist.)

"Friends should be." perhaps change it to 'Friends we should be.' or remove the period at the end of this statement and find some way to make the next line have a subject and fit with this line.

"I live for today for tomorrow, who knows." my thought that it should be 'I live for today; but tomorrow, who knows?' or if not but, then some other appropriate word.

otherwise, it is a wonderful poem and I'm quite surprised that it hasn't been commented on yet. hope to see you around.

Craig
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 444

2 posted 1999-09-10 07:08 PM

Dumblon
Nice poem, I think it's fine as it is.

Craig

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Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool:
But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet.

Dumblon
New Member

since 1999-09-10

Posts 6
Erie, PA

3 posted 1999-09-11 09:20 AM

thank you for the critique. it's what I was looking for. I think I will see if a rewrite would work.
hope to post more that I have later.

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