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That Feeling at Splashtown (please respond)
| Open Poetry #2 |
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That Feeling at Splashtown (please respond) |
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Artur Hawkwing Member
since 1999-06-30
Posts 444USA |
Two years ago.. try to see if you can feel what I felt then. ........................................................................................ "That Feeling at Splashtown" On the highest ride the hydra knew, Was one of its three tentacles, although not eight, Called Screamicles, I was up there My friends were down the stairs to my left,… There were two men and a girl in front Getting ready for the swoop of summer… My face was sunburnt like a desert-wanderer, My hair was golden like the sun's wheat- On my lips were blue, From the raspberry slush I had for lunch. That girl in front of me had me confounded With the mystery of my dreams. It could be a boy or girl in my dream, With the African/Australian mask of expression… Though, she was much like me, With the same lightness of skin and eyes, O', why do I shake at my imagination When it all goes real like a passing cloud? She, I knew not, had a happy, modest face. Why, that's an understanding face! I'm so ashamed of me, for when she looked At me, and smiled, I looked at my friends then At her. She looked at them… Jarod was a dramatic being like most, then she sighed & looked away. Same feeling I have of my friends… Oh, then one of the men went down the slide He was funny as a sight going down, His belly was the last thing seen at once, She laughed at the same time I did… She pointed at him to the other man, and explained… Like I always have to explain when people Don't understand why I laugh. I then looked at the blue skies, Realized my fading sense of reality… For the clouds were sensibly unforgettable. I can tell just by looking at people's eyes, The feeling their heart might have. Oh, I am only an illusion of illusions… I feel things from the reality of imagination! That's why I love me, who I am. [This message has been edited by Artur Hawkwing (edited 09-26-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Artur Hawkwing - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Wow, my friend. What a story..I truly enjoyed this. ------------------ *Krista Knutson* Mockery is a form of ignorance; silence, a form of wisdom. -- Daniel L. Miller |
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Paul Allen Lupien Member
since 1999-09-09
Posts 114Ferndale,Mi.USA |
It seems to me that you were experiencing the beautiful dream/reality that lives inside you-much more valueable than the material "reality" which was surrounding you. "Illusion of illusions" i.e, all is consciousness,material things are no more real than the thoughts which reflect upon them.In fact,nothing exists,but for the creative impetus from the thoughts which always come before any material manifestations. Perfection,joy,beauty-all exist in our inward perceptions.Also love.This is our true nature. This is a thought provoking work with some very effective imagery.Also,it's style seems to be quite different from some of your other works. How do you see this work,as to its essential character and purpose? Obviously,I found it very interesting. Paul ------------------ |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Well done as per usual friend. I LOVE the line, I am only an illusion of illusions...that sums me to a tee!! You always amaze me with your work.. ------------------ A hero is a man who does what he can. ~Isis~ (The Fragile Rose) |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
Arthur, I found your poem rich in imagery and yes, it made me "feel" the scene through your eyes and perception. I'm not sure your if plea to "please read this" was requesting a critique or constructive comments. If not, forgive my assuming that's what you meant. It seems much like prose in the sentence structure, rather than poetry, although the imagery you used was very much poetic. Perhaps an edit to change the sentences to a more succinct structure, leaving the imagery but eliminating superflous words. Just an idea. All in all, a very interesting and absorbing read. Nice work. Paul.... are you sure your first name isn't Jean and your last Sartre? Your comments remind me of Jean Paul Sartre .... cool to find an existentialist among us! -dp |
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Paul Allen Lupien Member
since 1999-09-09
Posts 114Ferndale,Mi.USA |
Doreen,I am posting a response to your interesting observation-in Philosopgy 101. Hope to see you there. Paul ------------------ |
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Paul Allen Lupien Member
since 1999-09-09
Posts 114Ferndale,Mi.USA |
Aargh,I mean philosophy 101. ------------------ |
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Artur Hawkwing Member
since 1999-06-30
Posts 444USA |
Looks like I have some serious brainstorming to do. Paul, what you said confused me a little bit at first as that is a true philosopher's rationale. 1) How exactly do you think that material reality is much less significant than the dream/reality living inside me? 2) Have you already heard of "illusion of illusions" somewhere other than here? It was a genuine thought that stemmed while I wrote the poem, nothing I had ever heard of before. We should drag this to the philosophy section; however, I am not a philosopher, nor have I the experience in that realm. But it'll only require one answer from you? Or am I mistaken? You said: quote: I think the strengths of this work include 1) powerful imagery 2) some great lines like "O', why do I shake at my imagination When it all goes real like a passing cloud?" I was trying to make it feel like inner longing. Like time is short, like time is running out.... that's what I think about all the mysteries in the world. I want to know why I must know only the question and not the answer. 3) It was 100% innocent thinking... I wrote it out of strong feelings. I had no intent except to make it a memory. I write most of my poems as a "memory", rather than an "art". Except the artistic quality will come naturally. DP, about time I got to you! I know it's more like prose, but poetry comes in many forms and sometimes I find it easier to write poetry in prose form because I have my own unique style with it... I can evoke imagery more efficiently. Like in this one. What kinds of superfluous words did you think I used? Does prosic poetry work well for me, in your opinion? Or in other words do you find it distasteful for any reason? I posted this poem with (please respond) because I felt this was one of my best, and also because I wanted some criticism... sometimes I post in the Critical Analysis forum, sometimes I post it here. But there was also a raging flood of poetry going on, and I post only one poem every few days, and I felt depressed about this because some of my past poetry has disappeared with only one or two comments, and even after I replied to bring it up to be commented on more (two or three times), it never got any more comments. I'm sorry if this was not a good reason.... but I want a good reply to my serious poems... and when I have a serious poem, I like to point it out. (check out The Alley, the posting 'Please read this!' .. someone brought up this matter.) Isis, I LOVE that line too! Alwye, thanks so much for being the first to respond. I appreciate it, my friend. I think I've had a long enough day..... [edit]I see that you read this already, Paul, so I took out a few parts to make it shorter. Next time I will summarize![/edit] [This message has been edited by Artur Hawkwing (edited 09-28-1999).] |
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Artur Hawkwing Member
since 1999-06-30
Posts 444USA |
To be 100% honest, I feel like a fool now. I mean, when I reread and came upon the "illusion of illusions" part, I felt a little awkward looking at that... *sigh*. |
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Paul Allen Lupien Member
since 1999-09-09
Posts 114Ferndale,Mi.USA |
Hi Artur, Can't give you an "exactly" kind of answer to your first question.Too vast a subject.Basically,I see all form as thought in a frozen,static, state:limited,temporary. Consciousness,however,I feel may be eternal and unlimited,therefore superior. Regarding "illusion of illusions"-Ancient Hindu philosophy holds that all creation is a dream and that we are dreaming it.We dream that we are these fleshy things called humans-but,really,we are the consciousness itself which created the dream. ------------------ |
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Artur Hawkwing Member
since 1999-06-30
Posts 444USA |
Ah I understand. The poem had no philosophy behind it when I wrote it, and still doesn't.... it was just my writings when my thoughts were "fried" by the sun. [This message has been edited by Artur Hawkwing (edited 09-28-1999).] |
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