Decision - Challenge response

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

0 posted 2000-05-19 11:07 PM

In trying to write this, (I admit it, I left a lot out,) I gained a lot more respect for those who've written responses to this challenge. I'm a fiction writer. Writing autobiographically... much more difficult.

Decision

Decision.

Decide.

Deciding.

Now.

Some say that in recollection of times of stress, they're able to recall their surroundings vividly. Not me. When I recall a situation, it's more impression rather than memories of details. I focus on the way I feel, the feelings generated from those around me, and the consequences of that occurrence.

I don't really remember how it started. I have a vague impression that it was in the living room in our house in Colorado. What I do recall vividly is that it was probably the toughest decision I'd had to make up to that point in my life. As is right, I think. At thirteen, you shouldn't have to make any life changing decisions. But that's what I was being asked to do.

Decide.

Well?

I didn't know what to do. I loved both my parents. Sure, mom was a little strict sometimes, but I knew she cared. Dad could flake things off, but I knew he too cared. And now I was being asked to choose between the two of them. The levity of the situation had me convinced that whichever one I didn't go with, would hate me forever. I knew that I would never see that one again. And it seemed I was the only one being asked to choose.

It went unspoken that Katie stayed with mom. As the only girl and the youngest it just wasn't questioned. Josh was too young to make that decision as well and besides, he seemed to be the only one who wasn't upset by the two of them fighting... yet again. But that was Josh, oblivious to anything that wasn't plugged in. He'd stay with mom too. Then Adam. There was no doubt that he'd go with dad. None. He was dad's boy, had been since dad had broken his leg not long after Adam was born. For the two years it had taken for his leg to heal, he'd practically raised Adam.

That left... me.

The oldest and, well, the oldest. I don't claim any special distinction other than I loved both my parents equally. I didn't favor one or the other. They just... were. And now I had to decide which one I wanted to go with. Mulling it over as fast as I could, I tried to consider all the consequences of either decision that a young kid can think of. Nothing really came to mind. California seems very far away to someone who hasn't even started driving yet. But Colorado was cold. I didn't know anyone in California, but the few friends I had in Colorado weren't good friends at all. How was I supposed to decide something like this?

Easy.

Mom already had two staying with her, so I'd go with dad. Keep it fair. It only seemed right. Dad was the one who'd hurt the most, who obviously did hurt the most... mom just looked really mad. Of course as soon as I said I'd go with dad, mom started crying. The look on her face told me I'd completely betrayed her.

Dad's wasn't much better, when guilt took over me and I told my mom I'd stay... just so she wouldn't hurt. Here I was, trying to fix something far beyond my comprehension.

It was almost as bad as the time -oh, I don't even know how long before this happened, not too long- when I was wandering around, basically left to myself with no idea what was happening. Sure, they explained to me that my aunt had done somethign bad to my brothers and sister... but hell, I didn't know what. All I knew, was that suddenly, I was alone in this new place with no friends, everyone's either quiet or crying, no one talks to me... if I'm even there and not at grandma's... and mom and dad for some reason stopped yelling at each other for a while.

But that didn't last.

And I had to decide.

I still wonder to this day if I made the right decision.

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

1 posted 2000-05-19 11:21 PM

The writing is excellent..the story, heart wrenching...I could feel the your 13 year old anguish...I know the courts want to let kids decide which parent to live with more and more now, but I can see where it would be almost a traumatic event....

Butterflies_dont_cry
Member Elite

since 2000-03-06

Posts 3733
Michigan

2 posted 2000-05-19 11:56 PM

Now I see where it comes from.....the wisdom that should only come after many years of living...but you were asked to (and felt you had to) make the decisions of an adult beginning at a very young age, and continued to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders....it's easier to allow yourself to be hurt than it is to see the people you love hurt ...I understand completely. **hugs**

Nicole
Senior Member

since 1999-06-23

Posts 1835
Florida

3 posted 2000-05-20 02:28 AM

sigh

...

You..

Look, I seem to be speachless.

Heartbreaking. I cannot claim to empathize, but Chris...I felt this. Such strength of character, and such an awful decision to have to make. It's life's situations like this, which you've so aptly conveyed, that make us all painfully aware of the gravity in a single decision.

Although it makes me so sad that you had to endure this, I too know that your past played a role in shaping who you are today.

Someone who I'm quite proud to call a friend.

Hugs
Nic

[This message has been edited by Satiate (edited 05-20-2000).]

WolfsMate
Member

since 2000-01-14

Posts 121
New York

4 posted 2000-05-20 03:01 AM

You may never know what the 'right' choice was or is. Excellent telling of what was undoubtedly a very difficult time in your life.

"You never have to worry...Never fear for I am near"

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

5 posted 2000-05-20 10:14 AM

Well - I've said it already so you know what I think C...

Hugs

K

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

6 posted 2000-05-20 01:00 PM

Nice work, Christopher.

My best words will fall short in trying to appreciate, so I just say, I enjoyed reading the way you have written. It was soulful, and heart-stirring...

Regards,
Sudhir

Life is like a painting,
That in an art gallery is left hanging,
Though many come just to look at it,
A very few actually come to enjoy it.

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

7 posted 2000-05-21 02:21 AM

Chris,
though you say this was a struggle for you,
prefering fiction, one would never know.
you nailed the emotions and defined the pain and stress that you felt. This is very well written and expressed.
It seems like you breezed thru it.
Made it look easy.(the writing)
It held me from the first words.
take care, jm

Some things cannot be explained by verses that rhyme,
They are not measured by the commitment of time.
Some emotions run too deep to be described by words,
Forgiveness and understanding-remain the most beautiful words ever heard.
~Janet Marie~

"What the caterpillar calls the end ...
The world calls a butterfly"
~Lao Tze Tao~
~Butterflies are meant to be free~

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

8 posted 2000-05-21 11:48 AM

coming from a person who always felt she had to be the "peacemaker" this one broke my heart. No one should have to make this kind of decision. Trying to fix everything broken only leaves us shattered inside. There comes a time when we need to be put back together. I'm hoping your story will help others, I know it meant a lot to me to read it, and sincerity is the greatest literary gift any person can ever hope to achieve. You have it.

Kathleen
indy31_99@yahoo.com

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

9 posted 2000-05-22 05:08 AM

I want to thank all of you for your kind words and hearfelt warm wishes. There is a lot left unsaid here, but I think that boiled down, this is the most influential moment in my life. The rest are details which led to the me I am today.

Once again, thank you!

Chris

Irie
Senior Member

since 1999-12-01

Posts 1493
Washington State

10 posted 2000-05-22 03:27 PM

A tough decision for any child to have to make. I too
remember a time where I almost had to make a decision
like this, and I remember thinking, I would go live
with my Aunt just to be fair to my parents. Fortunately, it never came to that.
Doesn't really seem fair does it? A parnet might think
they are doing the right thing and being fair by letting a child decide,
not realizing how it might effect that child.
But, now we can see the torture that it can cause.
Not only was this very touching Chris, but a huge eye opener
as well. Thank you for letting us in to a very painful part of your life.
Big hugs to you!

~Sheri~

[This message has been edited by Irie (edited 05-22-2000).]

Dawn Eclipse
Senior Member

since 2000-01-31

Posts 637
The Horsehead Nebula

11 posted 2000-05-22 06:21 PM

Christopher~~

That was a heart breaking story. That must have been the hardest decision in your life. Trying to choose between two people you love is torture. My heart goes out to you.

Nice writing though. If autobiographical stories is hard, great job! It was a wonderful story.

~hugs~

"Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying."
Harry Anderson, "Night Court"

*Cassandra Roseen*

netswan
Senior Member

since 2000-03-28

Posts 1369
Washington

12 posted 2000-05-22 07:42 PM

Excellent Writing Christopher. How
tough life can be? The pain, confusion
and emotion in this is just pure wonderful
writing --)

~netswan

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.