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The Visit
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The Visit |
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Maverick Wolf Member
since 1999-11-13
Posts 94Scandia, MN |
Randy shut off his car, and walked up to his parents. It was the first time he’d seen them in a while. He was anxious, nervous, and a little scared. The last time he saw them, they’d had a fight about where he was going to college. He wanted to go to the State University, but his parents wanted him to go to an Ivy League school. Randy’s grades were good enough, but he didn’t want to travel far from home for college. After greeting his parents, the first thing that Randy did was apologize for the fight they had. He realized that they were right. He knew he would have a much better chance in life if he applied himself. He knew his parents were only looking out for his best interests. He told them that he worked hard in his senior year and had received a full scholarship to Princeton. He told them about working and studying for finals. He told them about everything that had happened since they last spoke. He told them about his new girlfriend, Sandy. He said that he would bring her along the next time that he came to visit. Randy’s eyes began to well up with tears as he realized how little contact he had had with his parents. He began to tell his mom about his classes. He told his dad about how the car was running. He even told his mom about how he had cleaned his room the night before. Every little detail mattered. Nothing was left out. Now Randy cried openly. Tears ran down his face. As he composed himself once again, he rose to his feet, and dusted his knees off. He took a small paintbrush out of his pocket and used it to dust off the gravestone that lay in front of him. As he did this, he thought to himself, “Why? Why did you have to leave me alone in the world? Why did that car run the red light? Why did you both have to die?” As he thought this, the tears flowed more openly. He turned his head to the sky and yelled, “WHY? WHY?” Randy fell to his hands and knees, crying uncontrollably and continuing to ask, “Why?” [This message has been edited by Maverick Wolf (edited 01-29-2000).] |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
What a tale! It's a short one, but no less powerful, you've gotten a couple of tears to fall over here. Very nice writing  In flames I shall not be consumed, but reborn. -- Abrahm Simons |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Definitely powerful..this one really packs a punch, MW. Exellent work, do keep it up! *Krista Knutson* ~*Like a lion, without fear of the howling pack, Like a gust of wind, ne'er trapped in a snare, Like a lotus blossom, ne'er sprinkled by water, Let me, like a unicorn, in solitude roam.*~ Hymn Of Buddha |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Here comes the mean Critic. Okay, this is really WONderful, the ending is a real striking revelation, BUT I personally found getting to the ending rather dull. There was little in the build-up to keep me reading, except that I'd decided beforehand to read it. But the idea arrived at at the close is SO good, SO powerful, and I think not done before, so that I would like to see it as a full short story. But the whole story has to have built-in interest to keep the reader going to the blockbuster end. Maybe no-body else sees this the way I do. But if anyone else does, have you suggestions to power this up, and help Maverick get it into a form a publisher might accept? |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
This is a good story, but i think it needs a bit more buildup, like have the main character reminiscing about actual specifics with his parents, actual things they did together, or arguments they have had. Sort of what would happen to anyone who is visiting a grave, and is flashed with all kinds of memories. THe concept is a good one, its a nice twist.. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
I think that considering the brevity of this tale, there needs be no more build up. I saw it as a story portraying emotion more than a plot, per se. I think in that, it did excellent. The ending drove home the feeling of loss. Well done from me! |
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Maverick Wolf Member
since 1999-11-13
Posts 94Scandia, MN |
Thank you all so much for your comments. Though I seem to be getting somewhat of a mixed review, perhaps I will write a more "blockbuster" version. Thanks for your comments, they are greatly appreciated. |
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