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Emdr: an Awakening
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Emdr: an Awakening |
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Julie Jordan Scott Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 146Bakersfield, CA USA 
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Hello Prose Readers: Here is the next excerpt from my tale. I also did a rewrite of Chapter 1, if anyone would like to see it, let me know and I can direct you to it! Without any further adieu..... **************************************** I think God was looking out for me when I was assigned a therapist. When I first called, I was assigned one therapist (I was using the Employees Assitance Program, so I was assigned one of the therapists in the appointed office.) I received a call telling me I had the opportunity to have an earlier appointment with someone else. After my first threat, we had a couple sessions, and then tried a relatively new technique called EMDR. The letters stand for EYE MOVEMENT DESENSITIZATION AND REPROCESSING. The practice was first started by a psychologist working with Veteran's who had significant adjustment disorders or post traumatic stress disorder. In simple terms, it provides a tool to connect the left and right brain through eye movements and in my case, a headset with a clicking sound in each ear that syncronized with the lights. The therapist lead me into the process by asking me questions and leading you back into the emotion sparked by the trauma. I definitely wanted to try this procedure, anything to try to get better. My therapist reassured me, the outcome from this process was faster than conventional therapy, and long lasting as well. My first session was prior to the second threat. I sat in the chair, a keen observer as my therapist set up a light board, which looked like a piece of wood with lights on it on a tripod. The wood stretched about four feet in length. I eyed it, suspiciously, wondering what was in store for me. A headset was placed on my head, so I would have more than one sense engaged in this process, remembering that part of this therapy involved using the interdependency of differing parts of the brain. My therapist asked me several questions, and I carefully but deliberately walked down the path to the doorway of extreme fear and anxiety. She told me to trust the process. She told me to let my brain take over, and that it would go where it needed to take me, and to follow, listen and learn. Taking a deep breath, I nodded and watched and listened. As the lights went from side to side and the headset clicked, the therapy began. I could hear the most amazing things! I could recount so much! "Who are you fooling?" I taunted myself. "You are just stupid, thinking any kind of therapy would EVER help you. You are hopeless..... hopeless....hopeless".....I would try to rescue myself and then other words would come in......"Julie, Julie, Julie, over here!" "Watch out, you are going to get hurt!"....click click click click lights go back and forth and back and forth. My therapist would draw me out every few minutes, turn off the lights and the headset and ask me questions. If I was engaged and in tears, which happened often, she would ask where I was, what was happening, what was I remembering? We would talk a bit, capture an emotion, and I would be taken back into the darkness, the whole, the click click click of the trauma the back and forth of the lights, the scariness of the unknown as my brain wove a web through my internal "fun house". Tears came from deep within my soul, questions would raise up but my psyche would fight it, "You think you are special?! HAH! Julie, you are nothing but a big ugly failure! You are STUPID! Why do you bother even trying!" My eyes got tired, so I went only to listening to the clicks as my brain continued to weave through its interior web. "I want you DEAD!" *Shivers* The amazing thing was this: after the treatments, I felt so exhausted, and so emotionally overwrought, but I was not overwhelmed. I actually felt exhilerated! Then came the second, and more serious threat. And my leave. And a trip to hell that I never expected. It was almost as if I had to get worse than I could have ever imagined, added a few digits to the sum. Combine this with the loneliness of the loss of a primary support, my co-workers who inexplicably still did not call me, and you will learn the tip of the iceberg for the alienation and stigma I felt each waking moment. I sat in the chair and waited. Out came the EMDR equipment. I had a hard time staying still as I knew my nemesis was coming. The procedure. But I knew it was one of the tools I could use. Yes, I was on medication, but it just didn't feel that different. Into my fear I dove, headfirst, with water splashing my feet as I entered, straight, stiff and heading straight for the bottom of the pool. My third session of EMDR. The first was awesome, the second so-so. As I started to float throught the thoughts that were shimmering around me, I unhooked myself from the outcome of the session. "Just be, Julie, just be".......then the taunting, "He will wait in the darkness, darkness, darkness.....I am not safe anywhere...." click click click...."Mommy! Mommy! Mommy? Mommy!!!!!" I cried and cried, my therapist asked what it was....I was not sure, was this me crying for Mommy or was it my girls? I was not sure, since the only "voice" to this point was the voice of my own spirit. Back to the lights and the clicks....click click click......."I will not let you win....."click click click....."I will NOT let you win"... more tears......"Yeah right Julie you STUPID fool! HAH! You think you can avoid me, hah! You do not even deserve to live you stupid fool, rotten mother, worthless person"..... click click click....."Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!!!!" Then I heard music, "Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!" It was a song, we sang in church, my church in Los Angeles! "I will praise him! I will praise him! I will praise him! I will praise him!" "You will NOT get me! I am stronger than you!" my heart sang along with the tune....."yeah, right" came the reply, but less cocky and arrogant than before. "Julie....Julie....where are you, Julie, you there?" I shook my head, I was hearing someone else. It was not my voice, the voice of my spirit...it was the voice of my dear friend, Dave, a pastor within my denomination.....calling for me. "Julie!" My therapist was concerned....."don't rescue yourself, Julie, let yourself go, ok?"....I nodded, wiped at my tears and went on, back into the depths. Each time, though, I was comforted. My friend Dave was there, and then Miss Foley, my First Grade teacher showed up, in appearance only. I can't remember her voice. Its been a long time since we had visited! My spirit was taking me to places where I was loved for just being me. Every time the ugliness got too ugly, I found myself singing a beloved song, or scripture came to mind, or Dave called to me or Miss Foley hugged me. They would not get the best of me. I would not let them. My spirit was telling me, calling to me, "Julie, the best is yet to be!" "The best, to be.....The best, to be.....The best, to be" Peace enveloped me. I was knocking on the door of what was to be. I was knocking on the doorway to me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am a Life Purpose Coach who specializes in assisting men and women to clarify their Life Purpose and then in turn live true to their purpose. After 5 years working with the Severely Mentally Ill in County Mental Health, I gave up the bureaucracy (and safe, secure blanket) of this environment to pursue my own purpose and passion. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Julie Jordan Scott - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Emotional piece, Julie. I really got into this one, the EMDR process sounds interesting. Great writing In flames I shall not be consumed, but reborn. |
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startin_fresh Member
since 1999-08-13
Posts 137US |
Exceptional piece Julie! I now see the missing pieces of what you have gone through. We have been friends a while and this has given me greater insight to just how strong you are. Furthermore, thanks for having the courage to put your story out so others can benefit. Shawn Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace with yourself. --Amelia Earhart |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
I've read all of your posts. It has reminded me of some events that had happen to me. Have faith! It's the answer to all problems. |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
I am more than gratified to see you speaking about your illness. You once said that my being open was a surprise to you. Well, I have learned that there are those with mental illness that believe mental illness is no excuse for behavior. I decided to send a page detailing my worst disorder to my friends so they could better understand me. What I found is that the one individual with no sympathy or compassion for the behavioral problems associated with my specific disorders is one who suffers from clinical depression. That person uses their own experiences as a measure of what every disorder of all types and degrees does to every person. Because they can overcome depression, I must be able to overcome Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Seasonal Affective Disorder combined. It is no wonder there are few open about their mental illness when even others that suffer it are so callous and hard-edged about it. When those that also suffer from mental illness cannot understand and accept it in others, how can we expect the "sane" people to? Sorry for this diatribe being under your remarkable post. I felt the need to share this experience.< !signature--> Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© ------------------------------------------------------- "Either kill me or take me as I am, because I'll be damned if I ever change..." Count Donatien Alphonse Francois de Sade (Marquis de Sade) [This message has been edited by DreamEvil (edited 12-31-1999).] |
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PhaerieChild Senior Member
since 1999-08-30
Posts 1787Aloha, Oregon |
I had to read this a couple or three times to get the full impact but get it I did!! This is very powerful!! Very well written and very well put forth to those who do not have any inkling of what things like this can do to a person's life. I myself am manic depressive and have been told by certain of those in the psychiatry field that I'm a anti-social sociopath. (What ever that means, they didn't care to elaborate). Anyway again great read and well presented!! Poetry~ Words falling on paper, painting a dream. Shawna R. Holder Boise, Idaho |
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PhaerieChild Senior Member
since 1999-08-30
Posts 1787Aloha, Oregon |
I had to read this a couple or three times to get the full impact but get it I did!! This is very powerful!! Very well written and very well put forth to those who do not have any inkling of what things like this can do to a person's life. I myself am manic depressive and have been told by certain of those in the psychiatry field that I'm a anti-social sociopath. (What ever that means, they didn't care to elaborate). Anyway again great read and well presented!! Poetry~ Words falling on paper, painting a dream. Shawna R. Holder Boise, Idaho |
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Julie Jordan Scott Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 146Bakersfield, CA USA |
Scott, rather than be upset by your posting your thloughts here, I consider it a privilege to offer the opportunity both to get to know you better as well as offer the community a greater opportunity to learn more about Mental Illness overall. My experience with PTSD this summer (some called it adjustment disorder, some Serious Depression) was enough to make me forever more understanding towards people who are afflicted with mental illness. As you know, from my job working with people with schizophrenia, I thought I understood stigma! Not even close! I find myself being thankful now for having this experience. It has made me a better person indeed! Wildchild, I am glad you felt gratified reading this entry. I myself read it several times over and over. This post and the previous post I wrote when I was pretty much in a zone. I was able to stand back and not be the person who was experiencing what is underneath my words. When I reread them, I was able to both reexperience them and grieve a bit. I am looking forward to being done with this very important ebook (that is what it is going to be eventually) so I can give it to my former colleagues at my office. My prayer is they learn something, so next time they will not treat some one this way. Thanks to all who have read these pieces of my story. I will continue to post them here. My revised chapter one as well as the rest you have seen here is all in one place at my website: http://www.5passions.com. Scroll down to "My Story." There is also a Poem that has been through about six drafts there that I wrote immediately following my final psych eval....in case you are interested You all are incredible, you all are amazing gifts to me. Julie I am a Life Purpose Coach who specializes in assisting men and women to clarify their Life Purpose and then in turn live true to their purpose. After 5 years working with the Severely Mentally Ill in County Mental Health, I gave up the bureaucracy (and safe, secure blanket) of this environment to pursue my own purpose and passion. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Julie and Dream...I applaud you both for speaking out. Sometimes when someone has a disability that society can't see openly, people refuse to acknowledge it's existance...and sometimes they are the hardest types of disabilities to deal with. My hopes are that with more people speaking out about this that peoples eyes (and hopefully the right peoples eyes) will be opened. I have a 17 year old son who is Bipolar (mostly manic). I had continual problems with him from about age 7 on. He stole a lighter in 5th grade and was going to "burn the house down with all of us in it." I immediately thought I was doing what was right and sought treatment for him. I commited my son at that age to a mental health facility for 30 days and cried my eyes out every night, only to have them take him off the antidepressives and tell me there was nothing wrong with him. I felt so helpless, I knew there was something wrong with my son and no one wanted to understand. I continued to deal with his outbursts, his depression, and his total lack of respect for any type of authority for another 5 years in silence. I never knew when he was going to "fly off the handle" and lash out at me or my younger son or his dad physically and anything could trigger it. I slept (if you want to call it sleep) with my bedroom door locked at night because he would threaten to come in and kill me while I was sleeping. I was afraid to do anything with him, for fear something would set him into a rampage. Finally, 5 years after I first sought treatment for him, he decided he was going to kill me...he attempted to strangle me, threw me to the floor, stomped on the back of my neck rupturing a disc in my spine and lastly took an aluminumn baseball bat to me. He nearly succeded in his wishes, but I got him placed in another treatment facility that saw what he did and listened to me. There, they diagnosed him as being Bipolar and placed him on Depakote. After 3 years of treatment and being in and out of group homes, he is home with his dad and hopefully to stay. He is doing well on his medications and recently took the required test for Military placement...he scored within the top 3% of the entire country. I'm sorry I got so lengthy here, but again...thank you for your post and Scott for your reply to her. |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
All my hugs to you Ruth. Depakote (Valproic acid) can have odd effects on mania. Many are switching to Neurontin as it has less side effects in general. Thank you for sharing your own experience with mental illness Ruth. What is sad is that there are those that see no reason for that behavior simply because they do not choose to or are unable to understand what effect the illness can have on behavior. I believe your son has a dysphoric mania as do I. My various disorders give me an odd life indeed. My mania is dysphoric in winter due to the SAD and euphoric in summer. I tend to be depressed more in winter and more manic in summer. The winter is worse simply because the dysphoria also feeds my BPD. Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© ------------------------------------------------------- "Either kill me or take me as I am, because I'll be damned if I ever change..." Count Donatien Alphonse Francois de Sade (Marquis de Sade) |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Wow! Hauntingly written, made me feel almost as if I were you. Scary...(not in a bad way...that sounded bad...you know what I mean!)  |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
I say wow also. This was very well written and emotion packed. My own experience was with a father and brother, both manic-depressive, or that was the term used in those days. I suffered from their condition but I'm only now beginning to understand how very much they suffered. Thank you for sharing this experience. |
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