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Sharp Dressed Man
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Sharp Dressed Man |
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Deep Blue Me Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 396By a big lake |
He strides confidantly past darkened store fronts, closed hours ago. All of the "working chumps" are gone, the street belongs to him. Overcoat folded on his arm, three-piece buttoned. He looks the part, with snap-brim fedora tilted cockily over one eye. He feels the .45 jabbing him with its recently exercised coldness. He's lethal. Hair neatly slicked. Golden ring. Shoes polished to mirror perfection. He's got a clean-shaven, unscarred face. A pretty-boy face, the kind women swoon over. But there's a darkness to his eyes. As he mounts the curb and begins the next block, a black Ford sedan rumbles slowly around the corner. Unaware, he whistles the latest radio hit and anticipates home, dinner, safe haven in the arms of his wife. The sedan pulls up, thunder sounds and lightning flashes from the open side windows. It screams away, leaving the man in the suit in a crumpled pile surrounded by an evergrowing pool of warm life. His rakish hat lies a few feet from where he has fallen, his arm is crooked in an awkward shattered angle beneath his lifeless, still form. Now all is quiet again but for a baby's cries a few doors down from the sharp dressed man. The boy's father won't be coming home tonight, and somehow he knows it. [This message has been edited by Deep Blue Me (edited 11-16-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Deep Blue Me - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ben Pike Junior Member
since 1999-11-14
Posts 20Southwestern Virginia |
This is a scary, concise vignette. The situation is not novel but by telling it succintly, with authentic-sounding details the writer captured my attention and held it. Way to go. [This message has been edited by Ben Pike (edited 11-16-1999).] |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Bravo. You did a fine job writing this. What I am unsure of is why this happened? If you do not mind a small critque of this piece. You have ample time in the man's walk to give the reader a bit more history of why this situation is happening to him. It does not seem to be a bad neighbourhood that he is walking in because of his unawareness. What is the reason for this attack? As well there is some punctuation in the first paragragh that could be cleaned up. This causes the reader to stumble over some of the thoughts you want to relate. You have a good story here and I applaud your efforts.  |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
Gotta agree with Marilyn on this one David. The title had me going too, are you a ZZ top fan as well!! Good read though, I did enjoy it!! ------------------ Through poetry my heart and soul truly sing... ~Isis~ (Daughter of Mystery) |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Great piece you have there! You had me hooked, reminded me of gangsters and pimps, LOL. I agree with Marilyn that a little history on the guy would make a good story even better.. LOL, That's what I thought when I clicked, Isis... "White suit, white hat, I don't worry 'cause my wallet's fat" I think... LOL ------------------ "All is gone except the will to be." - Metallica - "For Whom the Bell Tolls" |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
I have to disagree with everyone else on this one....I think the length and lack of detail gives it the feeling of being very fast moving, all happening within a few moments, and leaving the reader to think out the details in his or her own mind. Nice work, David. ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
I'm with sys on this one. Though I usually think "feeling" should be described in prose, in this case, I thnk the "shortness" of the piece lent to the air of how quickly a life can end. Great job Blue, you nailed it with this one. |
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Deep Blue Me Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 396By a big lake |
Thank you all for taking time to read me. I must say though, Sys and Chris are reading my mind. DB |
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JennyLee Senior Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 1461Northwestern, NJ. |
Ummmmm...why doesn't this sharp dressed man have any "Cheap Sunglasses?" Jenny Lee ------------------ Love is an attempt at penetrating another being,But it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual. [This message has been edited by JennyLee (edited 11-19-1999).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Bad one Jenny, VERY bad! |
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JennyLee Senior Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 1461Northwestern, NJ. |
I just couldn't help it Christopher  ------------------ Love is an attempt at penetrating another being,But it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual. |
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