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X Angel
Senior Member

since 1999-11-07

Posts 1521
Oregon

0 posted 1999-11-14 01:16 AM

This is from my dark sad side.....

I Can't Trust

These are just a few ramblings as I am examining myself to try and understand the relationship between me and my Mom.
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I've never been one to just let go and trust someone with my heart, or feelings. I'd rather trust them with my life than my heart. For to let someone into my heart is to open myself to being hurt.

Very few people have ever made it inside my stone walls. For I keep them tightly locked around my heart, around the soft part of me that is vulnerable and weak, in doing so protecting my inner sanctuary, my refuge; from a cold world.

Most times on the outside I am calm and smiling, but inside I am closed up tight. With my heart and soul frozen and dark. Untouched by anyone's words or deeds. For to be touched would be to lay myself open to being hurt.

I guess that's probably why I think my Mother doesn't love me. Someone once told me that I don't allow her to love me. My emphatic answer was, "NO I do not!" For in allowing her to do so, I lay myself open to being hurt. I've always had to be her mouthpiece, doing and saying what was appropriate and right in her eyes. I was always the perfect child, at least on the surface. I have always been everyone's perfect child; though I have learned as an adult, gradually over time, to speak my mind.

I don't know if I'll ever change fully, or if I even want to. Sometimes I like the fact that I can shut out the world in 2 seconds flat. That I can lock the doors firmly on my heart, and then smile at every word someone says; while in reality I haven't heard one sound they've made.......

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"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

1 posted 1999-11-14 02:26 AM

X, I can relate...... trust is something I've tried, and tried, and it's been broken so many times I just don't care anymore.....

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Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices.

Michael

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-13

Posts 7666
California

2 posted 1999-11-14 04:40 AM

Angel, this is a very revealing piece. I can relate to this well, I was the exact same way for many years. The problem I had with building that wall was I was safe and warm within it, but also miserable. I wan't alive at all. I was not only not letting others love me, but preventing myself from being able to feel genuine emotion as well in doing so. I don't claim to have the answers, Angel, but I do know it's too late for me to say I care to many of the people who tried to be something in my life. I pray you don't hurt yourelf the same way I have myself. God bless you, Angel.

Michael

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

3 posted 1999-11-16 02:17 AM

And while it's sad, I envy your ability to shut the world out. Many times of late, I longed to be able to shut myself off to halt the pain. I however lack that ability...I don't know which bears to most benefits...

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