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Bluesy Socrateaser
Member Elite

since 2002-11-07

Posts 2417
In The Mirror

0 posted 2014-01-19 11:22 PM

I found it lying far out along the tree line.
A box made of tin, with what were once colorful painted patterns on all sides, but one. It had a weighty feel and along the bottom there was a winding crank. I studied it for a moment, and then twisted the lever a bit. To my amazement, the box began to play a tune! As it did, the top slowly opened and a ballerina rose to her feet and started to twirl!

Listening to the tune and watching the ballerina dance began to have a calming effect on me, easing me into an almost hypnotic-like trance that took my mind off the task I had yet to complete.

Gradually, the music from the box settled into a very gentle waltz and the pretty ballerina stopped with grace, bowed herself to me and the box then slowly closed.

"A few more shovelfuls should do the trick", I said to myself.

Not to worry.

Once again, I reached for the crank on the little music box.

...just bein' Bluesy

OwlSA
Member Rara Avis

since 2005-11-07

Posts 9347
Durban, South Africa

1 posted 2014-01-20 02:39 AM

This is excellent, Bluesy. You had my imagination on tiptoes right the way through. As well as enjoying the surprise of finding the tin and its bright patterns, and then of it turning out to be a music box, enjoying the music and the miniscule ballerina and her twirls and her final bow and sinking back into the box, I was hung in suspense, pondering what your task was . . . was it some innocuous task like shoveling snow . . . or were you burying a body (fictional, of course), perhaps one you had murdered (again fictional, of course), or were you burying a beloved pet. I hope it wasn’t the last. Please feel free not to tell me so that other readers can enjoy the pondering. Perhaps the ‘Not to worry’ and the waiting before you finished the task is significant in this pondering, perhaps not. I am glad you listened a second time.

Seeing you encourage critiques, I will say that after having read it, I initially wondered if the title didn't spoil the surprise. I then decided it didn't because, firstly, I had forgotten the title when I started and so it didn't for me, and secondly it is an appropriate and good title and takes the reader's mind away from the task you were involved in and makes the reader ponder it. I am glad that whatever the task of the protagonist was, is NOT mentioned in the poem. It gives the reader a wide choice of filling in whatever he/she would like to.

I also thought the beginning was superb, especially the excellent use of the word 'it' (I don't remember ever having said that about 'it' in 68 years) and the ending was just as effective.

Owl

Bluesy Socrateaser
Member Elite

since 2002-11-07

Posts 2417
In The Mirror

2 posted 2014-01-23 06:15 AM

Thank you so much for reading my dear Owl!

Yes, I am always open to critique, especially from someone like yourself who pays such good attention to detail. It makes a meaningful difference.

(It's also a great pleasure to hear from you)

...just bein' Bluesy

ponderthepoetorrsx
Member

since 2011-06-25

Posts 284
U.S , Ca

3 posted 2014-02-02 12:32 PM

I thoroughly enjoyed it however if it had not been for me seeing part two i would be crying for more, good job.

Richard

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

4 posted 2015-02-21 07:27 PM

nice...james

Bluesy Socrateaser
Member Elite

since 2002-11-07

Posts 2417
In The Mirror

5 posted 2019-01-02 08:32 PM

Belated appreciations, ptp.

...just bein' Bluesy

Bluesy Socrateaser
Member Elite

since 2002-11-07

Posts 2417
In The Mirror

6 posted 2019-01-02 08:33 PM

Thanks, James...

...just bein' Bluesy

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