A Guardian's Sacrifice (Extract from The Chronicles of Rak'nazul)

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Suncleaver
Member

since 2009-01-18

Posts 481
Stafford England

0 posted 2009-02-19 06:07 PM

This is an extract from the novel I am currently working on. I would love to know peoples opinions on my writing style, imagery and dialogue. This extract has a second part which is still being edited and which I will post soon.

Diseased green luminescence arced in violent flashes from the channelling spires to the nexus of the great central gate. The air was thick with fel energies emanating from that terrible edifice, fuelled by the blood of the human sacrifices performed by the necrolytes upon gore stained sacrificial altars at the foot of the spires.

Tortured screams and pleas from the victims mixed with the insidious demonic whisperings and chitterings from the gate to create a crushing hellish wall of sound to drive men mad, but the necrolytes of the Paradise Dawn were already driven so far into madness by the ecstasy of bloodlust and the promise of salvation that they were inured to it's horror.

From his observation platform at the foot of the gate High Dawnbringer Thurin'rae saw all this and smiled. Mind suffused by demonic words and bathed in the hateful pulsating glow of the nexus of baleful energies he permitted himself a sober chuckle, soon paradise would be his!

With a grimace he drew a jewelled ceremonial dagger from beneath his robe and cut into the soft pallid flesh of his palm, blood trickled to the ground as he squeezed his fist tight together. Walking solemnly, he traced a pentagram inside a wide circle in the dust with his own blood, an evil rune in the centre and at each corner. Muttering a word of power, the blood burst into flame.

'Bring her!' he commanded through clenched teeth. Two armoured dawnguards appeared dragging a figure on it's knees in between them. Upon closer inspection it was a naked woman bound hand and foot, but a woman of such amaranthine beauty that it was immediately apparent that she was not of the mortal races. Although her skin showed the signs of her maltreatment, it was a pure alabaster white complimented by her flowing ebony tresses and full red lips to create an image of gothic splendour, her eyes glowed golden in the gloom of this accursed place and upon her back were a pair of magnificent opalescent wings. A Sil'rhea! Thought the High Dawnbringer, what the blasphemous peasants called angels. Her sacred blood shed in torment at the centre of the nexus pentagram would open the way to the paradise they had been promised!

As the two dawnguards dragged the trembling Sil'rhea into the centre of the pentagram and drew cruel flensing knives, a great voice commanded 'Stay this insanity!' and in a flash of eldritch lightning a man materialised. Thurin'rae gritted his teeth and snarled 'So false guardian, you have come to see paradise born and this soiled world cleansed in the fires of the death seraph!'.
The guardian's face was solemn as he spoke 'You think to see paradise? What paradise is grown from the seeds of sacred blood and the bones of the innocent? You have been promised damnation and death, nothing more'.

'Kill him!' spat Thurin'rae and dawnguards and necrolytes closed in around the guardian drawing savage barbed swords or preparing vile spells. 'You send your pets against a sworn guardian of Rak'nazul?' laughed the guardian, 'What value have these lowlifes!' and pressing his hands together, palms flat, he drew them apart. A tremendous blast of arcane energies erupted from him, flinging the Paradise Dawn in all directions like shattered dolls, broken and burning.

'Tyriathon...' whispered the High Dawnbringer, 'Thurin'rae' spoke the guardian as the two adversaries faced each other, Thurin'rae with his grizzled brutal features, cruel eyes and embroidered crimson robe, the guardian Tyriathon lithe and elegant in comparison with narrow handsome features, a small forked beard upon his chin and purple cloth vestments intricately chased with gold.

'And where's your so-called chosen wielder?' sneered Thurin'rae, 'You may have broken my toys, but it seems you've forgotten to bring yours to the game! Ha! Don't think I don't know, the death seraph has shown me! Blessed Rak'nazul has taken his mind! He has destroyed the elven city of Ariel'belor, more blood to feed the gate to paradise!'

A flicker of sorrow crossed Tyriathon's visage as he said 'Yes, and the elven heliomancers burned his body in payment and sealed the demon blade Rak'nazul away to await the next wielder, you shall not have it, your god only shows you half truths to twist your mind'.

'Heretic!' raged the High Dawnbringer, and drawing blasphemous sigils in the air, hurled a bolt of all consuming shadow straight for the guardian.

GBride
Senior Member

since 2009-07-02

Posts 538

1 posted 2009-11-02 08:28 PM

Wow, this is packed with action!
What an imagination you have!
I see no mistakes.
In the last line did you mean signals instead of sigils?

AncientHippie
Member

since 2009-10-15

Posts 411
Surfing the Cosmic Flow

2 posted 2009-11-03 05:44 PM

Reads very well, Luke. Heavy visuals, like one of the later Final Fantasy games. Only suggestion would be to cut some of the longer, compound sentences into smaller, simple sentences now and again, to give the reader a chance to catch his/her breath. But that is not a criticism, just an observation that would make it more enjoyable for my reading style. Looking forward excitedly to the next installment.
Namaste
Jim

"We are stardust: we are golden: and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden." --Joni Mitchell "Woodstock"

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