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Killing Loneliness
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Killing Loneliness |
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Ketooaina Junior Member
since 2007-04-20
Posts 37Nucla, Colorado |
A story like mine should never be told. For my world is as forbidden as it is fragile. I certainly wasn't destined to be what I have become. Like so much in my strange life...I was carried here by the current. ****************************************** "Miss Kiersten? You're up," Professor Allen said softly, pulling me out of my bored stupor. It was my senior graduation. I was moving on with my life, but I was clueless as tot where I was headed. It seemed that I was the only one who was lost from the destined paths of the world. It was an aspect of my life that I hated, but one that seemed totally out of my control. Gingerly, I rose to my feet and walked to where the podium stood; my speech resting gently upon it...waiting to be read. It was required for every senior to give a speech at graduation. This particular speech had to be about your life; the past, present and future of it. If there was one thing I hated in my entire life at that moment, it was the speech that waited to be read to over five hundred strangers. I had kept my life's secrets to myself, and I wanted to keep it that way. Seeing as I had no choice in the matter, I begrudgingly stepped up behind the podium and faced my worst nightmare. Dreading my living horror of exposing myself, I took a deep breath and begand this toturous task of verbally undressing myself to these strangers. Before the first word ever left my mouth I forced myself into composure. Then I thrust the speech into action. "Being a girl of nineteen, almost twenty, I still remember the world from the eyes of a child. All the laughter and happiness surrounding me, but which I was never a part of. Seeing my peers around me in their closely knitted friendships which were an inexperience to me. I took enjoyment from watching them, those people who surrounded me every day that casted me out as a stranger. Their happiness, their laughter, their love...it was the reason I lived. I loved to watch them enjoy their lives while I was unable to enjoy mine. It was them that kept me alive emotionally. My voice faltered as I remembered that passed life. Taking a deep breath, I carried on. "Slowly those feelings were clouded by what I know now. I think to myself, "Where has my heart gone?" I then realize that it is an uneven trade for the real world. See...I want to go back to believeing in everything and nothing at all. I still remember the sun...always warm on my back. Somhow...it seems colder now. Again I think, "Where has my heart gone?" Deep down I know that it is trapped in the eyes of a stranger. I want to go back...back to believeing in everything and nothing at all." I paused, not wanting to continue as I scanned the sea of strangers before me. My gaze lingered on one particular stranger in the third row of the auditorium. As his gaze met mine, I felt the courage to go on. To keep that courage, my gaze never left his. I took another deep breath and focused once more on my task. "Back in my childhood, I experienced so many vivid exploits, betrayals, manipulations. I also experirnced that lack of being cared for; the lack of closeness, endearment... ardor. With all of these things combined...I was forced to grow up too fast. Because of my life at home, there was no time for play. At times it seemed I was never even allowed to play. In turn I had no friends. The friends I did have, I was never allowed to see except in school. It seemed that my only companion was my pain. It was with me every where. It was all over inside of me. The one place where pain was non-exsistant was in my dreams. They were my only sanctuary. "Looking back at my non-exsisting childhood, every painful memory rushes back. They play in my mind like an old home video. I hear the verbal abuse, feel the physical abuse, feel the abandonment I suffered. But the worst of it all, I feel and see the sexual abuse that left me with a permanent scar. These are all things I remember and fear still, but these are aspects of my life that I don't and will never regret. "I play my life in my mind from when I can remember to now. I see the mistakes I made, the roads I could or should have taken, and the tribulations crossing my path. All of these things have added up to the person I am today. I am grateful for what I've been through. I have accepted the way my life turned out to be, and if someone ever offered me an exchange for a differnt life...I wouldn't take it. It's the destiney made it and it's the way I want it to stay." |
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| © Copyright 2008 Jayre - All Rights Reserved | |||
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Your words made me think back to my past, many years ago and how I often felt in school. M |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Fine writing...James |
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micecollector Junior Member
since 2009-10-10
Posts 18Kansas -USA |
If ever my life was written by someone I didn't know, you did it more than adequately. I don't know if I would have had the courage to read my life's story as a senior in high school, but now I could and I would, believing if my speech helped just one other sole then it was worth the pain and shame I shared. Thanks for this writing. I'm going to print it and keep a copy. In God we trust and one nation under God |
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Ketooaina Junior Member
since 2007-04-20
Posts 37Nucla, Colorado |
I'm glad you enjoyed it  Please feel free to share with loved ones and friends Maybe it'll help someone down the path you tred. |
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dragngrl28 Junior Member
since 2009-10-12
Posts 45Texas, USA |
Well written. I could feel your nervousness and uncertainty about making such a speech in front of so many people--especially your peers. I always hated class introductions and 'self-discovery' papers-I usually would make something to avoid revealing my past. You are more courageous than I because I would not have been able to do that in highschool. |
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Ketooaina Junior Member
since 2007-04-20
Posts 37Nucla, Colorado |
It was hard...but I am gld I shred my past. It was a burden that I carried for so long and was a relief to get it off my chest. Thanks for the comment. |
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