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Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida

0 posted 2008-09-16 09:12 AM



Sept. 3rd

I haven’t turned the calendar yet.  I dread the cold.  How long must I continue comforting myself?  I am self-indulgent today.  I blame it on too much free time to think.  You are cutting me out and doing it in such a way as to try and make it seem like it isn’t done intentionally.  My head understands but my heart is aching.  It is so difficult not to let you see this or hear it in my voice, so hard to smile and joke when I feel it happening already.  I want it to last just a little longer.  But I know I will always want just a little longer.  How can I go back to what was after this?  I don’t have a choice.  I get no choice in this.  

Sept. 9th

Things at work have gotten hectic and the stress of everyday life is sapping my energy.  When we are together it is unspeakably wonderful.  When we are not I become a different person.  I want to not be bothered by the world.
I don’t understand this other side of you that spends more time with everyone else.  You go out with friends, have a good time and then call and tell me all about it.  Things I don’t want to know, names that come up far too often.  Am I supposed to be jealous?  A feeling I have not allowed indulgence in the past.  But I am now, I just don’t let you see it.  I don’t know how to respond.  I hate that when we are together I feel I must leave early enough for you to get your sleep yet when you go out with others that isn’t an issue.  I hate that you can hang out with a girl you admit you felt a “chemistry” with but not go anywhere with me.  Jealousy is an embarrassing emotion.  Sometimes I feel at a disadvantage.  I can’t tell you how I feel because I don’t have a right.  I don’t have a right to request more from you.  You call me your girlfriend but I feel like so much less.  I don’t know how to fix this.  This should be easier. I need to remind myself that you are doing what someone your age should be doing.  I am the intruder in that world.  

Sept. 10th

I know in my heart what I need to do. I realize I am selling myself short and you don’t even see it.  Did you know I wait for you to call, text, ask for me?  When you tell me how you have something you have to do for the next several days what I hear you saying is that you don’t have time for me.  I know enough to know that if you wanted time with me you would find it.  I know if it were someone else that you were in to, you would make time with that person a priority.  I think less of myself for allowing this to continue.  And because it has happened to me before I have to know that it’s something about me that screams, “I am okay with not being a priority, I am here when you want me and I will say nothing about how that makes me feel, how it hurts me.”  I know what I need to do and the thought of doing it hurts.  My heart and my head are playing games with me.  My heart says, even a little time together is better than no time.  My head tells me I am allowing behavior that hurts me and because I allow it, I must not think much of me so why should anyone else.

I know none of this is your fault.  I know I shouldn’t have gotten involved.  I honestly thought it would be fun.  Fun to hang out, go out, fun to have someone I liked to do things with.  Someone that would also give me what I am missing even if it was short term. I didn’t anticipate my attachment or my feelings.  That is my fault.  You can’t tell your heart who to love or not love.  I’m sorry for that.  You are an amazing person, an amazing man.  My hope is that you find your amazing woman and you are happy.  

Sept. 11th

Keeping it together today at work has been a serious task.  I think what I did was right for you and I believe what you wanted, but couldn’t say.  But there is this huge part of me that is hoping you will call and say it isn’t done.  I wouldn’t be strong enough to say no.  I don’t want to say no.  I don’t know how I am going to stop missing you.  

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

© Copyright 2008 Susan Caldwell - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
1 posted 2008-09-16 02:00 PM


quote:
You can’t tell your heart who to love or not love.

As true as true can be.




Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida
2 posted 2008-09-16 02:48 PM


Nor is there an off switch.  But that is okay, to feel is to live.

Thank you Karilea.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
3 posted 2008-09-16 03:08 PM


There may not be an off switch, honey, but there is a dimmer...which in humans, seems to fluctuate much like the weather.   Again, you are correct, to feel is to know you are living, and neither of us would want it any other way, would we?


Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
4 posted 2008-09-16 10:48 PM


/main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayarchive&number=42&topic=002428

been there...done that.

1slick_lady
Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace
5 posted 2008-09-19 12:41 PM


i too have 1 for you
/main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayarchive&number=80&topic=000009


i am so sorry for your pain
i KNOW your hurt
i can taste your salt


nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
6 posted 2008-09-19 07:01 AM


Sept. 9th

"Things at work have gotten hectic and the stress of everyday life is sapping my energy.  When we are together it is unspeakably wonderful.  When we are not I become a different person.  I want to not be bothered by the world.
I don’t understand this other side of you that spends more time with everyone else.  You go out with friends, have a good time and then call and tell me all about it.  Things I don’t want to know, names that come up far too often.  Am I supposed to be jealous?  A feeling I have not allowed indulgence in the past.  But I am now, I just don’t let you see it.  I don’t know how to respond.  I hate that when we are together I feel I must leave early enough for you to get your sleep yet when you go out with others that isn’t an issue.  I hate that you can hang out with a girl you admit you felt a “chemistry” with but not go anywhere with me.  Jealousy is an embarrassing emotion.  Sometimes I feel at a disadvantage.  I can’t tell you how I feel because I don’t have a right.  I don’t have a right to request more from you.  You call me your girlfriend but I feel like so much less.  I don’t know how to fix this.  This should be easier. I need to remind myself that you are doing what someone your age should be doing.  I am the intruder in that world.  "

Exactly!~~ Know the feeling~~


M


Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348
Florida
7 posted 2008-09-19 08:41 AM


Thank you both.  

Memories is what is had when everything else moves on.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

Alison
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!
8 posted 2008-09-27 09:51 PM


I know it hurts.  Thank you for posting these, Susan.

A

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