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Deeply heart felt write inspired by you
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Deeply heart felt write inspired by you |
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Jaime Fradera Senior Member
since 2000-11-25
Posts 843Where no tyranny is tolerable |
This e-mail is meant for those closest to me. In opening my heart, in letting me confide in you, I hope to gain something of your wisdom and perspective in coming to terms with this messy, awkward thing that we call Life. A recent incident has brought me to a critical juncture in my life and a need to confide in those closest to me. As a result of this event, What I want to do now is to carry this forward and use the occasion to do inner soul work and deepen my emotional resilience. I use to think that only marrieds and cohabitants had to bother with such mundane twaddle as the division of housework, or who's turn it is to do the kid or the dog. But for those of us abnormals who do not have television, who have never done house payments, marriage with its associated entanglements, do not work, go home to an empty apartment and have to see to our own dinner, there seemed little need to specify or formalize much of anything, except for an apartment lease. But I am belatedly realizing I can no longer hold casually to such vague and ambiguous assumptions without courting emotional anguish and disaster, if not worse. These are not the idle ramblings of a depressive, as I will demonstrate shortly. It requires that I adopt a better strategy with which to come to terms with the outer world and maybe make of me a better person. In my dealings with others, the ambiguous loose ends in our relationships may now be far less tolerable. In the following sections, I will try to describe the living strategies of the past and explain why they no longer work, and what I propose to do from now on. Though I may ramble I will try not to, and I will present these experiences and thoughts as they appear to me. Some years ago I had a girl friend (okay) just a friend since she was married. One night about 3 a m I got violently ill with something and called 911. They gave me meds that knocked me into a stupor for 2 days. But that was not the worst of it. When Peggy learned of this incident she got agitated and upset. She had assumed, without checking, that I would call her in the middle of the night to take me to the hospital. And I had assumed, without checking, that people who need to go to work the next day can not be awakened in the night to take me places. This dilemma was unresolved, and there were more scenes and arguments as to who's responsibility it was to do one thing or another as we blundered along from one crisis into another. But despite these rapids, our friendship would remain. I kept touch as best I could, but through telephone and address changes on both ends and the passage of 9 years, contact was lost, as my life was in turmoil and I could not write letters and we had no computers or electronic mail back then. Years later, after Internet and e-mail and forums came, and I gained the ability to roam the world wide web at will, a wonderful thing happened. I met you on an internet forum, and you decided to come to Denver to be with me, albeit for a while, as we discussed. It was like an idealist fantasy. In all my life I had never known such a magical, beautiful experience. We spent the days and nights in a mythical haze of hospital and love play and laughter and music and tenderness and almost continuous talk. I waited for the let down, for the honeymoon to end, but the paradise dream seemed only to go on and on and on. The only time that I was troubled was when it was time for you to leave, a possibility we had discussed before albeit informally. And not to cry and it would be okay, for we would be no more than an e-mail apart. You would reside always in my in box, as you had been before. Whenever I felt lonely and wanted to touch base with you, I had only to post a write where we were poeming, write you of my fears and plans and dreams, and then hit the send button. And even if it took awhile for you to get them and write back, we would always share a magic soul connection. I still believe that now, and that it will forever be that way. In this form or another, our friendship could go on and on indefinitely regardless of where we were on this planet. I still believe that too as well, and I will always believe it for the rest of my life. When at first the messages came less and less often, grew briefer and with less detail, I was disappointed but not yet alarmed. People are busy these days, and e-mail was a clumsy way to talk. It was Christmas, and people doing mindless twaddle, like they think they have to send "gifts" to others they can't stand to be with and couldn't care less about. I would write periodically, to say nothing much was happening. The emails came less and less often, grew shorter and seemed Terser. I could no longer hear music because both my listening tools and the computer, a key connection to my outside world, decided they had to go on vacation. And then there were those mind-paralyzing blizzards you surely must have heard about; and all that stuff was headed ... east? For days at a time I could not go out. Then it was January, by which time you would have settled down, ... as I understood it ... It was to no avail that I wrote of my growing desperation. I thought we ... I thought .. I ... Was their something wrong? What if you had fallen in a snow slide (like those skiers we heard about the other day), and by the time they finally found yr frozen corpus ... you were ... in transit from the last place to the next, so there could be no telephone contact, or anything. I worked the addy's I had for reaching you; all were flat, or was it just the computer? Now some seven states away, I supposed you had been borne away into activities, perhaps with other parents groups, and I was no longer on the active list. I was ready to accept this. (Well, okay, I really wasn't.) for by then I understood that even the closest relationship must suffer its inevitable partings and its failures to join, and eventually extract its toll of tears; for it is only in this way that a relationship can be deepened. and that perhaps it was our turn, now. Soon the e-mails ceased Or there were too many error messages. The cyber doctors reassured me. I had antiquated software that was now incompatible with the Internet, that they would come as soon as it stopped snowing----but it wouldn't stop snowing. Now I was REALLY alarmed, concluded that you were reachable no more, and that I would never know why. Now, my task will be how to use this experience to deepen my understanding of what it means to be human and a renewed appreciation of what it means to be alive. As I will now explain shortly. again, I hope that I will not ramble and that I can present these observations in a coherent and straightforward way. I hope you will understand this and that I will not be committed to some mental ward. (just teasing) For it seems so much at odds with what most of the world, and even much of what practitioners in the mental profession seem to think. I am an amateur student of C. G. Jung and the other humanist psychologist. I live in a world of synchronicities and dreams, where every experience may have multiple layers of meaning and imply innumerable possibilities. I live with one foot in an imaginal world of magic and myth where inner figures, guides and comforters reside. (This is why revealing this to a clinician might yet get me committed.) It is written in these works that the processes of individuation and transformation are always fueled by suffering and pain. It is said that when our child dies, when our Love abandons us, we are finally stripped of everything we once believed in, we are thrown in to a bottomless abyss of terrible emptiness and unbearable pain. We are drawn inward and down into a dark chasm of nameless and terrible anguish from which we will never escape without tears. They call this "the long night of the soul," the ceaseless, endless hammering, battering nightmare raging ON and ON and On and On ... It said that, if we are quiet and patiently wait out the hammering, battering storm, we will soon experience the interior nourishment. This is the calm center, the inner refuge, the sub personalities that will nourish and console us, guide us in the journey through the under world and see to it that we will emerge from Hell immeasurably strengthened, utterly transformed, and ready to face this life anew, with inner resources that will allow us to withstand anything this world can ever throw at us. It is these things I have learned through my reading and my blundering from one crisis or "depression" to the next. I will never have my fill of crying. I will never loose my zest for living. And I know that I will always be in love. To shift now from the esoteric to the mundane, here is what I propose to do to minimize misunderstanding, and hard feeling, for the present and the future. If you will indulge me, I would like to give you snippets of inner dialog, which I rarely share with any nurse, because they might think I'm hearing voices and lock me up ... Please bear with me as I share this piece of perhaps absurd rehearsing, inner dialog and inner work. When it looks like we are going to have something together, and knowing either you or I will go away one day, then you and I must have a long and gentle talk. Any discussion of friendship is meaningless without a shared concept of freedom, a concept which means, among other things, that one of us will have to leave. We must agree how this leaving will be signified. Will it be with a hug, a slap, or what? If we decide we are to be in touch, then we must make a solemn and a sacred pledge. We must stipulate in what medium or by which method we will do this? Before you leave me, we must exchange with each other all our contact information. We must specify the means we will use to reassure one another that everything is okay, or perhaps, when it is not. and if we can not talk directly for some reason, we must enlist the help of a mutual confidant or friend. We must agree at what time intervals we will try to e-mail to each other, how ever frequently or seldom, if only to let each other know I think of you, and I have not forgotten, and if you would let me, let me know a bit how you are doing? Are you happy or unsettled? Did it work out? What is it like where you are living now? We must promise each other that, if we cannot make our agreed upon contact date, then we will use whatever means we can to re establish it. I want you to have my phone number, even if I can not hear. And I make this pledge to you; that if you should ever feel alone, lonely or neglected, if you can reach me by whatever means, at any hour of the day or night, as soon as I can get to you, you won't be lonely for much longer. And please, please know that I will always be with you in spirit, and know that you will never be alone, at least not as long as I can help it. The past is gone; it cannot be changed. It is pointless to hurl charges, to lay blame. The past is gone ... but maybe we can do it right Next time ... next time ... next time ... And then the Wizard revealed himself to me. Nothing but a wispy old man with a noise machine. And then I heard a click, and suddenly I was on Passions again, a place to which I thought I would , never return, and I found you and Lady Sunshine sending love messages to my Braille display. And I realized instantly what it was. Like Dorothy, I was home again. No one had ever left me. Nothing had ever happened. It was all just a bad dream. And everything was fine, now. Everything would be okay. There's got to be a morning after. We're moving closer to the shore. I know we'll be there by tomorrow, and we'll escape the Darkness; we won't be searching, anymore. Maurene mg-govern Now, if we can get this computer to talk again ... I do so miss you! ... I miss ... I ... ... [This message has been edited by Sunshine (08-24-2007 04:40 PM).] |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Oh Jaime, I am so sorry for those nightmares! No, I was never stuck in a ditch, but the bus ride (I hate to fly in winter) was a nightmare of being re-routed all over the country after Salt Lake and denver roads shut down. The move east was not as smoothe as I had planned, as I got caught in multiple snow storms and travel delays, then after arriving, was without internet service for much longer than expected. Your emails weren't getting to you apparently due to an email address change. Once you got back to Pips and replied, I discovered your addy was not the one I had last November! |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
So then, it's settled, right?  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hugging you... You are well wise beyond your years, young man. |
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MoonShadow Senior Member
since 2001-08-02
Posts 943Dark side of the Moon. |
Much said here that many of us would... should... could... say if they had your courage. It pierces deep and goes right to the heart where it touches similarities unsaid for lack of courage equal to yours. MoonShadow . |
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