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Hollow_Emptiness
Senior Member

since 2004-02-01

Posts 715
New Zealand

0 posted 2005-05-20 01:21 AM

-I have to write a description of a person for creative writing, and I wanted to see what you guys thought. Um, I hope I posted it in the right place. Thank you for reading this anyway.

His lanky frame stoops under the invading lights, turning away from me slightly with all the aggression of an angst-ridden prisoner. His shoulder jolts forward furiously in a sudden movement which brings his anorexic fingers to chest height and back. He hunches over the nylon strings obsessively like an animal and it’s young, only he lacks the intimidation and the only animals in the room are his moss coloured eyes. Torment is draped over his fragile cheek bones, bewildering the corners of his heavy lips. He parts them a little and closes them as though everything he wants to talk about doesn’t really matter anyway. The words will now float beneath his bumpy lizard skin, crammed amongst the lethargic bones as if they never existed in the first place. And then he stops, shaking as much as the guitar strings.

(I'm not fully finished, but there you go.)

Come on God, do I seem bulletproof?

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

1 posted 2005-05-20 11:07 AM

Interesting description of your average nihilistic guitarist. *chuckle*  I only have minor complaints, which deal with spacing, spelling, and missing words.  Below are a few examples.

Its and it's are not identical.  First is possessive, second is a contraction of 'it' and 'is'.

Some will disagree, but I normally go with 2 spaces after a period to give a visual break within the body of the work.  The eye needs such breaks so as not to create run-on sentences, even when ending punctuation is present.

And finally, missing words.  'only (other) animals' 'as if they (had) never existed'.  One other thing gave me pause, as the wording was awkward: 'doesn't really matter anyway'.  For some reason, I keep wanting to swap 'doesn't' and 'really'.  That could just be me.

Triskaidekaphobia
Member

since 2003-02-05

Posts 251
In a state of disrepair...

2 posted 2005-07-05 09:14 AM

First of all very enjoyable piece.

Kurt Cobain anyone?!?

I read it when it was posted but have only recently managed to remember my user name!

I would argue though that the missing words that Alicat mentioned (and is entirely right about in terms of good technical English and grammar) to me strengthen the impact of the piece. It fits somehow with the musical theme. However if creative writing courses are the same as they were a few years ago you may run into the wall that is the unimaganitive lecturer! My own bane. (Please Alicat don't take that to mean that I consider YOU unimaganative, quite the opposite.)

I would suggest you take the advice concerning "they had never", it seems to ring truer to mine ear. Personally though I like the "only animals" it adds (for me anyway) a reinforcement of your earlier similie; "like an animal".

"And then he stops, shaking as much as the guitar strings." I love this!
Great work keep it up!

"And the sun went down, and the stars came out far over the summer sea,
But never a moment ceased the fight of the one and the fifty-three."

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

3 posted 2005-07-05 06:48 PM

Yes, you're in the right place.

I really like you description, but I agree with Ali.. Although Mr. unpronoucable name :P has a point, since you are writing this for an English class, you need to make sure your English is corret.

Perhaps you could describe more of what is going on in his head also!

Very interesting stuff.

Love's a lovely lad
His bringing up is beauty
Who loves him not is mad
For I must pay him duty
-Anonymous

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

4 posted 2005-07-05 07:35 PM

Prolly a bit late, since the date was in May, and it's July now. *chuckle* Class dimissed!

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

5 posted 2005-07-05 10:01 PM

Hahaha! I never check the date :P

Sorry.. I hope you liked our input anyway *sheepish grin*

Love's a lovely lad
His bringing up is beauty
Who loves him not is mad
For I must pay him duty
-Anonymous

Hollow_Emptiness
Senior Member

since 2004-02-01

Posts 715
New Zealand

6 posted 2005-07-06 12:35 PM

Thanks guys, I did take your advice, way back in May, lol. But thanks.

Come on God, do I seem bulletproof?

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