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One Deep Breath
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One Deep Breath |
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CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248
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Friday, 8:43 AM The streets were quiet now. Neighbors had all left by now, whether on their way to work or school. There was only one person home on the entire street, and that would soon change. He slowly climbed the stairs. 'I can take my time. There is no need to rush.' He knew that death would have settled in by the time anything was discovered. 'And this won’t take long.' Friday, 11:17 AM She stopped in front of the door. So often received as a young woman despite her years, Diane Foreman’s face suddenly seemed old and fragile. Wrinkles that rarely showed themselves appeared in full force today; eyes that usually sparkled were dull and sad. Straightening out her blouse, she drew a deep breath. 'This is not going to be easy,' she thought to herself, biting her lip. One more deep breath and she entered the classroom. Friday, 11:34 AM “No, You’re lying. Stop Lying to me. I don’t have time for this.” Michelle breathed, her voice starting to break. “Why are you doing this to me?” Even as she said the words however, she knew that her principal wouldn’t take her from her classes, an officer wouldn’t tell her this as a joke. Closing her eyes, she tried to breathe, but found her lungs compressed by her breaking heart. 'My Jimmy, no, anything but My Jimmy.' “What, Who, How could this have happened?” Max stumbled over his words, trying to comprehend how his best friend could be gone. “James stayed home from school today.” Officer Murphy explained. “He told his father that he wasn’t feeling well, and his father believed him. Mr. Flynn left at approximately six this morning for work, telling him that if he didn’t feel well soon, they would go to the doctor’s. Around 10, Mr. Flynn took a break, and drove home. The door was ajar when he came home, and Mr. Flynn immediately ran up the stairs to James’ room. James wasn’t there however. It appears that James jumped off of his deck at around nine this morning. He didn’t survive... Working on this one too, Be honest! |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
It seems to me that you need to open it up a bit more...i'm not sure how, but Maybe a look into Jimmy's mind as he is talking to his dad? And who is the man leaving in the beginning? Maybe open that area up a bit too...? ~~SCG~~ |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
When i first read this.. i had to think for a second about the second part but then I re-read it and I believe that the second part is someone going into the classroom to tell the boy max that his friend Jimmy killed himself.. Jimmy was the person in the first one.. Correct me if I'm wrong.. I loved it..  ~Heather Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248 |
Hey...WOW..i forgot about this. Lol...so anyways. It was supposed to be a fake suicide, that Michelle and Max were going to discover, and Diane is their school principal who went into the classroom to talk to Michelle and Max...feel free to expand on this if anyone wants to. I'm not going anywhere with it right now. Heather, thanks for the blast from the past...This was so long ago... over a year. ...keryn When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
You're still using that cool style of showing snippets of aspects of life. I still think you could make these stories stronger by making them longer. Anyway, the fact that you made the death short did ensure that the piece wasn't entirely a 'sob story'. But at the same time, the meat of the story seems to centre around Michelle's reaction to Jimmy's death. We are given no context except that apparently the two had something of a romantic relationship. Why did Jimmy have to die? Who was Michelle (a student, Jimmy's girlfriend?) Or maybe Michelle was Jimmy's girlfriend's best friend who was cheating on Jimmy's girlfriend and unable to contain herself, letting out her remorse for the death of a man who was doing something he knew to be wrong. Maybe Jimmy's death served as a crystalization for Michelle of just how damaging infidelity can be? I'm not trying to hijack your story, but I'm humbly trying to show you just how many directions a small snippet of events like this could be taken toward. Any idiot can see that the result is true. |
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CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248 |
Haaha...thanks Fractal...I was going to elaborate on this, i think i remember not finishing this in one sitting, and just losing that muse. I hate this one, to be honest...thanks a lot though for replying. Once again, open forum, have fun with this one, elaborate if you want. <3ker When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Ah, there's an old adage in the software industry: Plan to throw one away. I haven't given up on my latest rambling yet, but that's because I've found a way to make fun of it for rambling while rambling it.  |
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