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Seeing
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Seeing |
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a123 Member
since 2004-03-27
Posts 72 |
He looked up at the sky and smelt rain.He was like that ,he could always smell rain,hear footsteps before others could and other things like that. He had a strong intuition...sometimes he just knew something would happen and then when eventually it would,he'd feel satisfied.People around him could never understand what he felt at such times,and he had learnt not to waste too much time giving explanations to others long ago... The leafy green trees around him swashed from one side to the other in the strong wind that began to blow now.All around him people who, like him, came to this place every night for their evening walk started to hasten their steps ready to go home but he had not even completed a round forget his five customary rounds.. So he stayed on,while slowly others dissapeared.It was strange how he had not made friends or even enemies with any of the other regular walkers even though he had been coming here for more than a year now.But he had always been like this...he prefered to walk alone rather than be part of a crowd. What kind of crowd would the party have,he wondered.I hope atleast Sumit is there or even Sunaina would do.People had started saying that he had a fixation for people whos names began with the letter s.He denied that but even if it was so he didnt see anything wrong in that after all,his own name began with an s . Right at that moment,a huge raindrop fell on his eye,...he looked up at the sky,smiled and started moving towards home,a satisfied man. He didnt know but when he walked people always turned around to look at him because of the noise his stick made.He wouldnt know.....They say his eyes can't look at you,he says that does not stop him from seeing. |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
"To write what is worth publishing, to find honest people to publish it, and get sensible people to read it, are the three great difficulties in being an author." --Charles Caleb Colton If I may suggest so as to be a sensible person, lose the first two paragraphs and rewrite it into the story so the reader realize who he is by the reading |
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Endlessecho Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398I live within myself |
I loved your building of this character. Within just this short write I was intrigued by this man and want to know him better. I really admire when people can do that - create someone on paper and make them come alive. Well done! |
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JL Member Ascendant
since 2004-04-01
Posts 6128Texas, USA |
Such an enjoyable story! Great write. JL  She said: ”You look cute in the dark.” |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
Good characterisation. A few things comments: 1) First para "he was like that, other things like that"--drop or find another way of putting. Show don't tell, let the reader see it for themselves rather than having to take your word for it. 2)I would be inclined to agree with merlynh, the first two paragraphs could be cut and written in to the main body of the piece. Try it for effect and see which you prefer...either way, paint the picture don't talk about it. 3)Para 4: "he had always been like this"...again, try showing the reader that rather than making them take it on trust. 4)Para 5: Excellent, the fixation with S is quirky and interesting to the reader, so by now they are wondering who this guy is and what makes him tick. 5)Para 6: Sets up the twist nicely. 6)Para 7: Wraps it enough well, leaving the reader to think about what it illustrates. Thanks for sharing, see you again soon. Liz x "Time has told me not to ask for more, one day our ocean will find its shore" ~Nick Drake |
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a123 Member
since 2004-03-27
Posts 72 |
Thank you sooo much Liz for your suggestions and especially cause you took so much time and effort...i would really work on it.Same goes for Merlynh. Im glad you liked it JL. Endlessecho, i love your work n im so happy you replied to mine a123 |
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