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Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

0 posted 2003-12-08 07:29 PM

Not really a story just some ideas..

-----------------------------------

Her, shes one of them.  You know the ones you see around the street in there circles. Planning how they're going to take over the world, how the ramones rock and how punk music grasps there soul and makes there heart beat again. If you were to look you'd see her, belive me you couldn't miss this one. She stands around always on the outskirts of the circle, just observing life pass her by.

Her Black hair shines like pleather in the winter sunlight, she lets out her amazingly white smile all her teeth glimmering at me.  The teeth of an angel. Her lips are like scarlet satin in the icy air, the way she grasps her cigarette between her two fingers makes me melt..like the tar on a newly paved road. When she inhales the toxic smoke I go numb, realizing we're sharing the same air. Her bodies hidden by the puff of her parka, so I imagine it.
Milky white, as white as snow..I take a breathe and think SNOW WHITE.  Her neck, covered by a scarf has exactly  three freckles. I own those freckles, just she doesn't know it YET.

The way she moves, like a fluttering moth in the wind. Not sure were shes going just knows shes moving. The way I like them..young and uncertain. Her eyes hazel in the light but at night they change crimson, or at least I like to think that. Me and her both souls of misfortune, me and her together. One day she'll know, know about me in my blue chevy observing her puff away. Her licking luscious lips, one day ill get the courage to get out of my parked car and pull her in beside me. For now im just watching.

I know you think that I shouldnt still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in tha

[This message has been edited by Match (12-09-2003 06:34 PM).]

Dusk Treader

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-06-18

Posts 1187
St. Paul, MN

1 posted 2004-01-09 10:18 PM

At first this read like a young man finding an angel on a street corner and becoming lovesick. The end tends to bring a different story to mind and brings to mind a creepy older man entertaining some dirty thoughts.

There is some awfully good writing here. A good scene and good description that even has a little twist despite the brevity. Hopefully there will be more of this or more from you in the future.

"Knowledge is far superior to Belief, for Belief is the way of the uniformed." - Scott Cunningham

Ixxi
Member

since 2004-01-02

Posts 77
England

2 posted 2004-01-10 07:15 AM

This one gave me chills. it's very good. I like the way you described her as "a fluttering moth in the wind", and I also like the bit where you put "When she inhales the toxic smoke I go numb, realizing we're sharing the same air". It's really, really good, you should keep working on this and add some more, using lots of description.

Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

3 posted 2004-01-12 12:27 PM

Thanks for your comments they
were highly appreciated.

-ash

Im a child,
who writes adult poetry.

[This message has been edited by Match (01-13-2004 10:23 PM).]

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