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Cool Universe XXII
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Cool Universe XXII |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Cool Universe by mirror man Chapter 22 Meanwhile, down at the gates to hell: The effects of the Nice Ray were just now beginning to have effect: King Rat said, “Do you feel that?” The rat cohorts around him all nodded. “Yes,” they all said. “What is it?” said King Rat. “I don’t know,” said one rat cohort. “It’s very strange,” said another rat cohort. “It feels good,” said another rat cohort. “It feels almost...almost---” “Nice!” said King Rat. And he smiled. “Yes,” they all agreed. “Nice!” “Oh, nice, nice, nice!” said King Rat, jumping up and dancing. “Nice, nice, nice!” all the rat cohorts said, jumping up and dancing also. Then all the rats in hell were jumping and dancing yelling, “Nice, nice, nice!” “What’s this? What’s this?” said a voice suddenly. They all stopped. There was Cousin Satan scowling at them. He wasn’t going to be affected by any amount of Niceness. “It’s nice!” said King Rat happily. “That’s what I thought you said,” said Cousin Satan. His pointy tail swished back and forth and he jabbed his pitch fork in the ground angrily. “Stop it!” “But it’s so nice,” said all the rats together. Then suddenly there was Homer, just back from a last visit to Hell. “Yaaa!” said Cousin Satan, jumping away. And Homer looked up at all of them and smiled. “His eyes!” said one rat. “How they twinkle!” said another rat. “His dimples!” said another. “How Merry!” said another. “His cheeks!” said another. “Like turnips!” said another “His nose!” said another. “Like a deviled slug!” said another. He had a pointy little face and a round little belly. And when he laughed, “Squeeksqueeksqueek!” “It shakes,” said another rat, “like a bowl full of unfried mush!” “Akkkkk!” yelled Cousin Satan. “Get out! Get out! Go somewhere else and be Nice! Hell’s not the place!” So all the rats formed a conga line with King Rat at the head and danced the Hokey Pokey across the River Styx, and King Rat said, “Let’s go visit our friends upstairs.” Meanwhile, upstairs: Abnorman watched the demise of Mr. Twiddly on TV and covered his face and whispered, “They got Mr. Twiddly!” And Santa Dude. And Yo Dummy! He began to think. They got Dr. Nutz the day before, Mr. Hemorrhoid in class, Zippy the Clown had gone to the other side, and he hadn’t heard form Cousin Schizotonic in a while (of course, they might not bother with him). “Did you say something?” said Daddyo. “I didn’t hear you.” Abnorman looked up, and there was Daddyo, standing over him, smiling. And suddenly it dawned on him: this was the enemy. He looked around. He was surrounded. “I didn’t hear you,” said Daddyo. Abnorman shrank back in his seat. “Oh, nothing,” he said. Just then the door bell rang and Mama Cool went to answer it. When she opened the door, two G-dudes stepped into the room dressed in gray suits. “Who are you?” said Mama Cool. “We’re from the Immigration Bureau,” said the first G-dude, showing her a badge. “We have reason to believe there are illegal aliens living in this house.” Too Cool and Maximum Cool left their garden tractor to see the visitors. “In this house?” said Daddyo. “Why would you think a thing like that?” “We got a tip,” said the second G-dude. Abnorman gasped. Daddyo must have called before “them” got him! The G-dudes looked around the room and said, “Anyone here named Chin Ho?” “There he is! There he is!” yelled Abnorman, pointing to Too Cool. “Who? Me?” said Too Cool. “Yeah, that’s him, officer,” said Abnorman. “Take him!” “That’s my son, Too Cool,” said Daddyo. “There’s no one here named Chin Ho.” The first G-dude looked around suspiciously, and said, “Anyone here named Hadji and Agnes?” “That’s him! That’s him!” said Abnorman, pointing to Maximum Cool. “Who? Me?” said Maximum Cool. “That’s just Maximum Cool,” said Daddyo calmly. “There’s no one here named Hadji and Agnes.” “Anyone here named Manuel Gonzalez?” said the first G-dude. Then he looked at the radiator by the window, and there was Sock Monkey wearing a sombrero with a green card sticking out the top. Around his neck someone had hung a sign that said, “Yo es Manuel Gonzalez.” “Come with us, Manuel,” said the first G-dude, grabbing Sock Monkey. “NO!” yelled Abnorman. “I’m Manuel Gonzalez. Take me! Take me!” “He’s Abnorman, my son also,” said Daddyo, smiling. “He’s just excited, that’s all. It’s Christmas.” The two G-dudes looked around the room suspiciously. “I’m sorry, officers,” said Daddyo affably. “There must be some kind of mistake.” The first G-dude looked down at Sock Monkey and said, “Well, at least we got one.” They started to walk out. “NO! Wait!” Abnorman yelled, running after them. They stopped and looked at Abnorman. “You gotta take me with you!” said Abnorman. “Your name Chin Ho?” said the first G-dude. “No,” said Abnorman. “Your name Hadji and Agnes?” said the second G-dude. “No,” said Abnorman. “Then there’s nothing we can do,” said the first G-dude. He looked at the others and said, “Sorry to have bothered you folks.” “No! Wait!” said Abnorman. “You don’t understand.” He pointed to the others, leaned toward the G-dudes, and said in a low voice, “They’re not my real Dude Group.” The two G-dudes looked at the others and said, “They’re not?” “No,” said Abnorman. They leaned down to Abnorman and said, “Then who are they?” Abnorman leaned forward and whispered, “Them!” The two G-dudes stared at Abnorman, and then looked at each other, and then they smiled and said, “Whatever you say, kid.” They stood up and said, “Sorry to have bothered---” “No!” said Abnorman. “I can prove it.” He looked at Too Cool and said, “Is so!” “What?” said Too Cool. “Is so!” said Abnorman again. “I don’t understand,” said Too Cool. Abnorman turned to the G-dudes and said, “See? If that were really Too Cool, he would have said ‘Is too!’” “Is too what?” said the first G-dude. “It doesn’t matter,” said Abnorman. “Whenever I say something is, he says it isn’t. If I say it isn’t, he says it is. It doesn’t matter what it is.” He pointed to Too Cool and said, “He would never say he didn’t understand, and that’s not Too Cool.” “Right,” said the second G-dude, unconvinced. Abnorman turned to Maximum Cool and said, “I’m going to call Dr. Nutz. He knows what’s going on.” Maximum Cool looked at Abnorman, puzzled, and said, “Okay.” “SEE?” said Abnorman to the G-dudes. “If that were Maximum Cool, he’d say I was crazy and so was Dr. Nutz.” “Well, Dr. Nutz is nuts,” said the first G-dude with a nod. AAAAgh! thought Abnorman. They were right. Then he looked at Daddyo and said, “NO! I won’t!” Daddyo stared at Abnorman, puzzled, and said, “You won’t what?” “SEE?” said Abnorman to the G-dudes. “If that were really Daddyo, he would have said ‘You will too!’” “You will too what?” said the second G-dude. “It doesn’t matter,” said Abnorman. “Whenever I say I won’t do something, he says I will.” He pointed at Daddyo and said, “The real Daddyo wouldn’t ask me what it is I won’t, and that’s not Daddyo.” The two G-dudes looked at Daddyo. “Really, officers,” said Daddyo, smiling. “I’m sorry. My son seems to be confused---” “And he never calls me Son!” said Abnorman. Then Abnorman looked around the room and yelled, “Mama Cool!” But Mama Cool wasn’t there. “What, Abnorman?” said Mama Cool. She was out in the kitchen. “Daddyo says I gotta eat rats and maggots,” said Abnorman. Mama Cool came back into the dining room carrying an arm load of cups and saucers and put them on the table. “That’s not a very nice thing to say,” she said, “especially when I know he wouldn’t do such a terrible thing.” “SEE?” said Abnorman to the G-dudes. “If that were really Mama Cool, she’d say, ‘What’s it say in the Book?’” The two G-dudes silently considered this. The Big Book of Cool Family Tradition was nearly a universal household necessity on Planet Cool. “Well, maybe she just slipped,” said the first G-dude, “unless you want to eat rats and maggots.” “No, no, no,” said Abnorman. “I mean yes...I mean...” He was totally confused. “Really, son,” said Daddyo with concern, “if I didn’t know you better, I’d think you weren’t happy here.” Abnorman didn’t say anything, not because he was happy but because he was feeling strangely guilty again. “He does look a little peaked,” said the Mama Cool. “I know,” said Daddyo. “Let’s get him a dog.” “Yes,” said Maximum Cool and Too Cool. “A big shaggy dog like the ones on TV that go Aarf! Aarf! He can bark at cats and get tangled in the clothes line.” “Yes,” said Mama Cool. “That would be adorable.” “Yes,” said Daddyo happily. “And you can join our awful but adorable garage rock band,” said Maximum Cool and Too Cool.” “What?” said Abnorman. “I don’t think he understands,” said Mama Cool. “I know,” said Maximum Cool. “Let’s you and me go find a human poodle, and I’ll show you how to make out.” “What?” said Abnorman. “Nah. Girls are clunky,” said Too Cool. “Let’s go try out for the baseball team at school.” “What?” said Abnorman. “Or you could make spitballs and pester Adorable,” said Mama Cool. “It’s adorable.” “What?” said Abnorman. “Or better yet,” said Daddyo, “let me show you how to use a slide rule.” “Yaaa!” said Abnorman. “And I’ll make us all a big apple pie,” said Mama Cool. “That’s adorable too.” “Yaaa!” said Abnorman. “What’s wrong?” said Daddyo, Mama Cool, Maximum Cool and Too Cool all together. “Don’t you like us?” “Yaaa!” said Abnorman, jumping back towards the door. And then the Cool Family Group all looked at each other, puzzled, and Daddyo said, “But Abnorman, isn’t this what you want? You can stay here as long as you like. You and Maximum Cool and Too Cool and your new dog---” “Let’s call him Adorable,” said Mama Cool. “Yes, let’s,” said Maximum Cool and Too Cool. “Yes,” said Daddyo. And to Abnorman, “And you and Maximum Cool can go on dates with human poodles, and you and Too Cool and Adorable can chase clunky girls and do clunky things, and you can act grown up and adolescent and impishly funny and adorable all at once. Mama Cool will make real food that’s healthy and tastes good. And I’ll teach you how to do the taxes and choose the right tie. And you will become what every dude wants to be, a productive slave to the collective---” “You mean, a useful member of society,” said Mama Cool. “Yes,” said Daddyo. “Thank you for correcting me.” “You’re welcome,” said Mama Cool. “You’re welcome also,” said Daddyo. “You’re welcome, too,” said Maximum Cool. “And you’re welcome also,” said Too Cool. “And----” “AAAAAAAA!” yelled Abnorman. “AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAA!” He turned to the two G-dudes and got down on his knees and said, “Oh, please, please, pleeeeeese! take me with you.” “Yes...well,” said the two G-dudes to each other. And to Abnorman, “I know they’re a little strange, but really, it could be worse.” Abnorman didn’t have an answer to that. The thought that it could be worse had never entered his mind. Then Mama Cool smiled and poured something out of a carton into the cups and began passing them around. She handed two cups to the G-dudes and said, “Have some eggnog.” “Why, thank you,” said the G-dudes, smiling back. “Now everybody,” said Daddyo, raising his glass, “let’s all drink a Christmas toast.” He raised his cup, and everyone did likewise. “No!” yelled Abnorman to the G-dudes. “Don’t drink that. It’s poison!” The G-dudes stopped and looked in their cups. “Oh, for goodness sakes,” said Mama Cool. “The next thing you’ll be saying is we’re alien invaders trying to take over the universe.” “Yes!” said Abnorman. He looked at the G-dudes and said, “They’re alien invaders trying to take over the universe!” “Nonsense,” said Mama Cool. “We’re not aliens, and this eggnog isn’t poison. I’ll prove it to you. Everybody, drink up, and Merry Christmas!” And Abnorman looked on in desperation as everyone drank up. There was nothing he could do. “Excellent,” said Daddyo. “Excellent,” said Mama Cool. “Excellent,” said Maximum Cool. “Excellent,” said Too Cool. The Two G-dudes’ eyes lit up and they said, “Yumm! That tastes just like---” “Copasetic!” yelled Too Cool. “Copasetic!” yelled Maximum Cool. “Copasetic!” yelled Mama Cool. “Copasetic!” yelled Daddyo. “Aaaaaak!” the Dude Group all yelled together. They gasped and gripped their stomachs and covered their mouths, and the two G-dudes dropped their cups. Everyone dropped their cups. And Abnorman and the two G-dudes watched. “Ouch!” said Daddyo. He reached up to touch his nose with his hand, and his nose fell off. Abnorman’s heart seemed to stop. “Daddyo!” he yelled. “It wasn’t my fault!” Too Cool yelled. Daddyo stared at his nose and grabbed it off the floor and put it back on. “Yaaa!” Abnorman yelled. “Yaaa!” the two G-dudes yelled. “Are you hurt, dear?” said Mama Cool. “It’s nothing,” said Daddyo. Then he looked around at everyone and said, “It’s nothing.” And then his nose fell off again. Onto the floor “Yaaa!” Abnorman yelled. “Yaaa!” the two G-dudes yelled. Then Daddyo looked at Abnorman with a hole in the middle of his face and his ear fell off. “Darn,” he said. “Yaaa!” Abnorman yelled. “Yaaa!” “Yaaa!” the two G-dudes yelled. “Yaaa!” Then a crack started near the corner of Daddyo’s eye, worked its way down to his jaw, and his whole face fell off. “Yaaaaaa!” yelled Abnorman and the two G-dudes, backing up toward the door. Then they all looked at Daddyo, only it wasn’t Daddyo any more. It was something else. It had two big black almond eyes without any pupils, and two slits for a nose, and a slit for a mouth and its head was shaped like an inverted teardrop, and its skin was all gray. It raised its arms, this thing that used to be Daddyo, and said, “Bxlfghtrwqv!” which means “Darn!” Then Mama Cool, Maximum Cool, and Too Cool all reached behind their heads and pulled off their faces. “Yaaa!” yelled Abnorman and the two G-dudes. Everyone stared at everyone else. Then -- these things with big black almond eyes without pupils and two slits for a nose, and a slit for a mouth, and heads like inverted teardrops, and skin all gray -- they all stared at the G-dudes and Abnorman, and pointed with weird long, thin fingers, and said in strange whistling tones and chirps, “We almost had it right, and you had to come along and screw everything up. It’s all your fault!’ “What?!” said Abnorman. “It’s all your fault!” said the big one, the one that used to be Daddyo. “What’s all my fault?” said Abnorman. And the big one said, “I almost had that new TV paid for, and you had to come along with your Niceness and mess it all up!” “Wait a minute,” said Abnorman. Suddenly, things were almost back to normal. “Wait a minute,” he said, and he looked at them with a sneer and said, “Who are you, anyway?” “We are the Bleeb,” said the big one. “The Bleeb?” said Abnorman. “What’s that?” “I can’t tell you that,” said the big one. “But where’s Daddyo?” said Abnorman. “I can’t tell you that,” said the big one. “And where’s Mama Cool? “I can’t tell you that.” “And where’s---?” “I can’t tell you that either.” Abnorman blinked. “Well, then what can you tell me?” Then the big one pointed a big pointy gray finger at Abnorman and said, “It’s all your fault!” “But---!” “Get out!” “But---!” “Get out!” “But---!” “Get OUT!” And Abnorman yelled, “NO!” Just like that. And everyone stared at Abnorman. “Now I know who you are,” said Abnorman. “You’re those weird things that fly around in saucers and abduct dudes.” “Maybe,” said the big one. “Yeah, and maybe not,” said Abnorman skeptically. “Where’s your flying saucer?” “Why?” said the big one. “Because I don’t think you’re really aliens,” said Abnorman. “I think you’re just fake aliens, and you just want to get rid of me so you don’t have to share the TV. Show me your flying saucer.” “Okay,” said the big one. “You want a flying saucer? Here’s a flying saucer.” He picked up a saucer off the dining room table and threw it at Abnorman. It missed and hit the wall. Smash! “Ha!” said Abnorman. “Now I know you’re not Daddyo. Daddyo would never have missed.” He sneered and said, “And where’s your glowing wand?” “My what?” said the big one greatly offended. “That wand you use all the time,” said Abnorman. “The one you wave around and zap people with.” “You want a wand?” said the big one. “Here’s a wand.” And he picked up a two-by-four. “That’s some wand,” said Abnorman. He swung it at Abnorman’s head. Abnorman ducked out of the way. Whoosh! “Ha, ha,” said Abnorman. “You missed me, you missed me.” He stood up and said with disgust, “Hah! What a bunch of fakes.” Then everyone was silent. The big alien frowned at Abnorman and said, “Fakes?” “Yeah,” said Abnorman. “You’re all fakes. Fakes, fakes, fakes.” The big alien looked around at his fellow aliens, and then back to Abnorman and said, “Well, if we’re not aliens, then what are we?” “You’re Daddyo,” said Abnorman, pointing. “Yeah,” the big alien said. “Right.” He looked at his gray skin. “Disguised as an alien,” said Abnorman. Not pointing any more. “Yeah,” the big alien said. “Right.” He looked at his nose laying on the floor. “Disguised as...um...Daddyo,” said Abnorman. Sort of. “Yeah,” the big alien said. “Right.” Not looking at anything. Abnorman frowned in thought. “Haha,” said the big alien. “Ummmm....,” said Abnorman. “Something...." “Hahahaha!” said all the aliens together. “Something...something...” “Hohohoho!” said all the aliens together. “Something...something...,” said Abnorman. “Something’s...not....” “Right!” said all the aliens together. And then Abnorman had it. “That’s it!” he yelled. He started jumping and hopping and pointed, “Fake! Fake! Fake! I bet you don’t even have a levitation ray.” “You want a levitation ray?” said the big one. “Here’s your levitation ray.” And then they all jumped on Abnorman and picked him up off the ground. And they held him over their heads and ran for the front door. Just as they got to the front door, Abnorman yelled, “Wait! Wait!” Then they all stopped and said, “What?” “Look!” said Abnorman, pointing. And suddenly the room was filed with the sound of thousands of little squeaky voices and the pitter patter of small feet as a line of rats danced its way out of the kitchen in a long conga line, dancing the Hokey Pokey and all singing at once, “You put your right foot in, you put you right foot---” “Akkk! Akkk!” all the former Cool Group yelled at once. “I hate Nice!” They all ran out the front door yelling, “Yaaa! Yaaa!” and down the street. Following close on their heels was a conga line of rats led by Homer all doing the Hokey Pokey and singing Koombaya My Lord. The game was over. Oh, it was indeed a great day for the Cool Universe. As soon as it was known that Niceness revealed the presence of hidden aliens and that Copasetic Aid revealed their identities, all G-dudes everywhere enlisted the aid of Cousin Schizotonic to make more nice rats, and with these and copasetic guns, all aliens on Planet Cool were rounded up, detained, and interviewed. With questions, such as “Why do you have such a bad attitude?” and “What depraved thing does this picture remind you of?” and “When are you gonna knock off the BS and grow up?” As for Mr. Twiddly, Santa Dude, Mr. Hemorrhoid, Dr. Nutz, and all those Coolers who fell into the clutches of the dastardly aliens due to their own peculiar coolness, they were discovered hidden away and unharmed. Aliens, it turned out, weren’t really evil; they were just different. But since no one knew the answers to any of the questions, they’re still talking about it. Zippy the Clown, it was rumored, once even ate a chicken single. And Cousin Schizotonic became rich selling copasetically correct squirt guns and nice rats. In his spare time, he also tried now and then to make Theda Beara. “It couldn’t hurt,” he said. As for Daddyo, Mama Cool, Maximum Cool, and Too Cool, they were found next door, unharmed and unavoidably detained by the Maroons, who plied them with home made bread, corn muffins, roast beef, mashed potatoes with gravy, and reruns of “The Ozzie and Harried Dude Show.” “You know those Maroons,” said Daddyo once in an unguarded moment, “they’re not so bad. I mean, once they quit trying to kill you.” And down in Hell, Cousin Satan decided to give rats another try. With a special sauce of fried mush, candied turnips, and deviled slugs. “Mmmmm,” he said appreciatively. “Cool.” But as for Abnorman, on that one wondrous day so crucial to the health and well being of the entire known Cool Universe, when all was restored to its natural glory, he sat down on a curb somewhere and opened the Tome. “Congratulations, AAbnorman, Savior of the Universe and All Around Nice Guy,” it said. There was a long silence. “Yes?” said Abnorman. “I mean, really,” said the Tome. “Oh,” said Abnorman. “That’s nice.” The End copyright 1998, 2000 Author’s note: this is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to real life hypocrites, bullies, and liars is merely coincidental. |
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| © Copyright 2003 mirror man - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Author's unpleasant note: this is the final and only version of this novel that I have released to the public. However, as I said at the beginning, this novel has been copied and used by others without my knowledge or consent. So if you should happen to come across another copy of this novel, under this name or another, in any medium, on the web or not, it is not released with my knowledge and consent and so is a pirate. Or plagiarism. Or both. |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Special note to teachers, educators: This novel, this version, may be copied and distributed in any medium as needed for classroom study. -- mirror man |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
I applaud you for this icredible story. Not only was it great fun to read, it was amazing how you managed to turn the illogical to logic and mix all the historical figures, Greek mythology and real life ideas into it. I'm impressed and find it hard to believe there's no publisher willing to put this in print. I also really enjoyed the "easy-to-read" style this story is written in. Definitely a book I'd like to have for real.  I came across a link just recently that might be of help to you: http://www.crystalserenades.co.uk/noflash2.htm Personally I find their services quite interesting (even though some have a price tag), so perhaps you'd like to check it out. You'll never know where it may lead to. Furthermore I happen to be the webmaster of a site called "The 'Stute." http://stute.freeservers.com (which found its origin here at Passion) If you'd like I could put your story on the internet for you, among all the other hilarious nonsense we've written over the years. Cool Universe would fit in perfectly. I guess it's obvious I really, really loved your story and can only hope I will find it in the bookstore someday. Keep writing humerous - illogical tales! You're very good at it. |
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