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mirror man
Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814


0 posted 2003-07-18 07:57 PM



Cool Universe
by
mirror man

Chapter 12



     When Abnorman got home from school that day, the first thing he did was go to his room and open the Tome.
     “Greetings, AAbnorman, Savior of the Universe and All Around Nice Guy,” said the Tome.  “What did you learn today?”
     Abnorman thought about this.  “I don’t think spelling is going to save the Universe,” he said.
     “Probably not, no,” said the Tome.  “But it comes in useful.  Were not the forces of Badness thwarted once again?”
     “Yes,” said Abnorman thoughtfully.  There was a long silence, and then Abnorman said, “Is that all the lessons?”
     “That’s all the lessons for today,” said the Tome.  “However, you have another one coming up.  You are going on a long journey.”
     “Really,” said Abnorman.  “What about school?”
     “School is on hold,” said the Tome.  “For two weeks.  Everyone has a project to do before they return.”
     “What kind of project?” said Abnorman.
     “It is of their choosing,”  said the Tome.  “It’s called an end-term project.”
     “End-term,” said Abnorman.  That didn’t sound good.
     “It comes before graduation,” said the Tome.  “You will all be graded on the quality of your projects, and graduated accordingly.  Some will pass, some will fail.  It is of their choosing.  If they pass, they graduate.  If they fail, they return to school.”
     “Good,” said Abnorman.  “I choose to do my project on bad spelling.”
     “You may choose that if you like,” said the Tome.  “However, you are AAbnorman, Savior of the Universe and All Around Nice Guy.  Your fate is sealed.”
     “Yes, I know,” said Abnorman tiredly.  “Can I at least take a break?”
     “Certainly,” said the Tome.  “Tomorrow you can do whatever you want.  But be advised.  The choice of your project is nine-tenths of the outcome.”
     “Okay,” said Abnorman.  “I’m really tired.  I think I’ll go to sleep now.”
     “Pleasant dreams,” said the Tome.
     So Abnorman crawled to his bed and lay down to sleep.  Even sons of interstellar super-genius space-traveling fathers and All Around Nice Guy Saviors of the Universe have to sleep.  
     So Abnorman slept.

     Meanwhile, back at the gates to hell:
     King Rat was reading the latest report on Abnorman’s progress.  
     “Very good,” he said to his rat cohorts.  “It is going just as I foresaw.  He’s learned a lot of junk and couldn’t save the universe if his life depended on it.”
     “Good, good,” they all echoed with glee.
     “So what will we do now?” said another rat.
     “I think a break is a good idea,” said King Rat.  “Abnorman’s going off for two weeks, so he’ll probably be watched pretty closely by you-know-who,” he said, pointing upward.  “Which gives us two weeks to prepare for things down here.  We’ll need abdicators and impostors.  You two,” he said, pointing, “dig some up.  In the meantime, I think I’ll scout around topside and maybe enjoy a day off.”  So the rats went off to find their unCooler conspirators, and King Rat went for a swim in the river.

     The next day, to celebrate end-term break, Abnorman and his cousins Cosmos, Dog, Van Ghost, and Id all went to the local theater house to watch a new play, “The Merchant of Venous,” by Cousin Shakesdude, and afterwards, that new science fiction box office smash, Rodude Monster.
     “The Merchant of Venous” was actually pretty good, Abnorman thought.  But that was just his opinion.  Like “Romeo and Juliet Win the War to Save the Universe,” nobody could understand what anyone was saying, and even though everybody knew Schlock was a bad guy dude and everyone else was good, and all the good guy dudes ended up with all the good girl dudettes, almost everyone left before the end, which was the best part.  So they were among the very few who saw Schlock, played by Cousin Psychotic, collect his pound of flesh by pulling out a knife at the last moment and cutting out the heart of Antonio, played by Pretty Boy.  Then Beef and the gang jumped out of the audience and started tearing up all the props.
     A few minutes later, the place was crawling with cops and they hauled Cousin Psychotic away in a straight jacket, Beef and the gang were all arrested, and Pretty Boy left in a body bag.
     “What a mess!” said Cousin Shakesdude when they had all assembled outside afterwards.
     “What mess?” said Abnorman.
     “My play,” said Cousin Shakesdude.  “They ruined it.”
     “You mean it wasn’t supposed to end like that?” said Abnorman.
     “Of course not,” said Cousin Shakesdude.  And then he moaned, “Oh, poor Pretty boy.”
     “Ah, he’ll be okay,” said Cousin Van Ghost.  “He was just acting.”
     “Yeah?” said Abnorman.  That was pretty good acting.
     “Well, thank you,” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “The ending was good too,” said Abnorman.
     “Yes, well I can’t take all the credit,” said Cousin Shakesdude magnanimously.
     “I really don’t think you should,” said Cousin Id.
     “No,” Cousin Shakesdude admitted.  “It was supposed to be a happy ending.”
     “Why?’ said Abnorman.
     “Dudes like happy endings,” said Cousin Shakesdude.  “Nobody wants to see a guy get his heart cut out.”
     Just then a guy dude walked by, stopped, and said, “Hey, kid.  Is this the placewhere the guy gets his heart cut out?”
     “No,” said Cousin Shakesdude.  “That’s been canceled.”
     “Oh,” said the guy dude sadly..
     “But Rodude Monster is still playing,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “Yeah?” said the guy dude.  “Do they cut out anyone’s heart in it?”
     “No,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “Oh,” said the guy dude sadly.  And he walked sadly away.
     “I guess that disproves your theory,” said Cousin Cosmos.
     “What theory?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “That no one wants to see anyone get their heart cut out,” said Cousin Cosmos.
     “That’s true,” said Cousin Shakesdude, looking after the guy dude who wanted to see someone get their heart cut out.  “But look at everyone going to see Rodude Monster.”
     And he was right.  Dudes and dudettes were lined up for half a block waiting to buy tickets.
     Cousin Cosmos looked at it and said, “I don’t know.”
     “That’s because they want to see romance.  With a happy ending,” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “Well now, there you’re wrong,” said Cousin Id.  “There wasn’t anything romantic about Rodude Monster.”
     Everyone looked at Cousin Id.
     “I mean, look at it,” said Cousin Id.  “He treated her like dirt.”  The “he” Cousin Id was referring to was the leading he dude of the movie, and the “her” he was referring to was the leading dudette.
     “Ah, but very wanted dirt,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “That’s just what I mean,” said Cousin Id.  “One of the first things he does is insult her...when they’re building that radio or TV or whatever it was.”
     “A nuclear powered sub-atomic photon deflector space warp,” said Cousin Cosmos.  “Hot stuff.”
     “Whatever,” said Cousin Id.  “So she’s building this whatever it is, and he insults her.”
     “That’s wasn’t very nice,” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “No, it wasn’t,” said Cousin Id.  “But does she complain?  No.  She just takes it.”
     “Maybe she liked it,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “Think so?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “Exactly,” said Cousin Id.  “She liked it.  And not only that, but she lets him cozy up and they start building this whatever it was together---”
     “A nuclear powered sub-atomic photon deflector space warp,” said Cousin Cosmos.
     “Right,” said Cousin Id, “and pretty soon he has his arm around her---”
     “I think she liked that too,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “Right,” said Cousin Id.  “And bam! suddenly they’re in love.  Just like that.  I mean, isn’t that just a little incredible?”
     “I agree,” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “Hot stuff,” said Cousin Van  Ghost.
     “Not really,” said Cousin Cosmos.  “Everybody knew they were going to fall in love.  Personally, I thought it was incredible that the space gorilla took so long to find them.  Anyone could see that such an invisibility field had to bend light, and of course, confined to such a small area, it had to be nuclear powered, and to bend light it had to bend space, and such a warp in space would have to emit energy, and this he would undoubtedly pick up on his bubble generator communicator, either as x-ray emission or gamma rays; but in any case, all he had to do was pick up a rock and throw it and measure its deflection.  Besides that, it would have slowed down time inside the warp, and this would have given him plenty of time outside to find it.”
     There followed a long silence, during which everyone stared at Cousin Cosmos, and then Cousin Id said, “Anyway, as I was saying, it was just too fast.  Dudes just don’t fall in love that fast.”
     “I agree,” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “Maybe she liked it,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “He could have read her poetry,” said Cousin Id.  “A box of chocolates.  A pair of silk stockings.  I knew this girl once....”
     “I agree,” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     Everyone nodded silently, pondering the implications, and then Cousin Dog said, “Really, I think you’re missing the whole point.”
     “What’s that?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “Well, you have to consider the circumstances,” said  Cousin Dog.  “It was the end of the world.  The last babe dude and guy dude on earth, the last two dude beings capable of having kids, naturally wouldn’t want to waste a lot of time with all that mushy stuff.”
     “See?” said Cousin Id.   “There it is, the typical male egocentric perspective speaking with his hormones: ‘It’s the end of the world babe, so lets get to it.’  Never mind if it wasn’t the end of the world, he’d say something else, he’d say ‘It’s the war, babe, so let’s get to it,’ or ‘I got a new job, babe, so let’s get to it,’ or ‘We’re not getting any younger, babe, so let’s get to it.’  Never mind what the reason is.  Whatever he says, she’s all hot to believe it.  And off they go, him with his hands all over her like she’s going to zing away in space if he doesn’t hold on---”
     “Not in a space warp,” said Cousin Cosmos.
     “---and her all hot to be held, but not too tight, saying ‘Come here...no, get away.  Come here...no, get away.’  Like he’s going to go somewhere, breathing down her bra like that.”
     “I didn’t see that part,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “Really,” said Cousin Id, “I think it sets a bad example.  Suppose you were to talk like that to some girl.  Suppose you said to some girl, ‘Hey, babe, you’re not too swift on the mental side, but who cares?  The package is all I want.’  How do you suppose she would take that?”
     “I think she’d like it,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “Think so?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “And that marriage,” said Cousin Id.  “What kind of a marriage was that, anyway?”
     “Fast,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “Symbolic,” said Cousin Dog.  “The old dude was God, and the young couple were Adam and Eve.  The space warp was the Garden of Eden, and the space gorilla was Satan.”
     “Really?” said Cousin Id.
     “Really?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “Really,” said Cousin Dog.
     They all stopped to think thoughtfully.
     “So why the honeymoon outside?” said Cousin Id.  “They looked like they got lost and the camera was just following them around.”
     “Bad directing,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “Really?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “God kicked them out,” said Cousin Dog.  “They ate from the Tree of Knowledge, so they had to go.”
     “What Tree of Knowledge?” said Cousin Id.
     “The nuclear powered sub-atomic photon deflector space warp,” said Cousin Cosmos.
     “They ate it?” said Cousin Id.
     “Symbolically,” said Cousin Dog.
     “Really?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “And the guy died,” said Cousin Id.  “What was that?”
     “Bad acting,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “Really?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “Sacrifice,” said Cousin Dog.  “Dudekind must ultimately die in the fight against sin, but he returns to God and is forgiven.”
     “Really?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “And the girl,” said Cousin Id.  “The gorilla takes her to his cave.  What was that?”
     “I think she liked it,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “Really?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “Corruption,” said Cousin Dog.  “As Satan, the space gorilla projects evil into the real world.  Outside of God’s grace, dudekind must suffer for their sins.”
     “Okay,” said Cousin Id.  “Then how about that hokey ending?  I mean, all of a sudden, bing! there they are at the beginning again.  What was that?”
     “Bad writing,” said Cousin Van Ghost.
     “Really?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “The Holy Spirit,” said Cousin Dog.  “God saves dudekind from eternal damnation by the gift of grace through his only begotten son.  It’s dudekind’s second chance.”
     “Gee,” said Abnorman quietly.  “I never realized how deep that movie was.”  And here all this time he’d thought it was trash.  Boy did he feel stupid.
     Cousin Dog grinned proudly at everyone through his suspiciously rat-like teeth.  His erudite and insightful explanation seemed to make sense to everyone else too, and they all thought about this for a while in silence, when suddenly Cousin Id jumped up and said, “Phooey!  The whole thing was a sexual fantasy.  They weren’t dudes, they were body parts, and everyone watching was just waiting to see them bop.”
     “Really?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “Yeah!” said Cousin Van Ghost with a grin.
     Cousin Id just folded his arms and scowled at Cousin Van Ghost.
     Then Cousin Van Ghost smiled and said, “So tell us about this girl you once knew.”
     “Oh her,” said Cousin Id, thawing out.  “Well, it was during the war...,” and Cousin Id proceeded to tell everyone about the girl he met in Italy who liked poetry and chocolate and silk stockings.  It was a pretty good story.
     But Cousin Shakesdude looked at all the dudes buying tickets to see Rodude Monster and  said, “Sex, violence, bad acting, bad directing, bad writing, impossible physics, and religious subtext.  I never would have thought of it.”
     But no one paid any attention to his powerful insights.
     Then he looked around at everyone and said excitedly, “Anyone want to play Antonio?”


     copyright 1998, 2000

     Author’s note: this is a work of fiction.  All characters and events portrayed in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to real life hypocrites, bullies, and liars is merely coincidental.


[This message has been edited by mirror man (07-18-2003 08:09 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 mirror man - All Rights Reserved
mirror man
Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814

1 posted 2003-08-05 01:05 AM


To anyone reading this:

Author's unpleasant note: this is the final and only version of this novel that I have released to the public.  However, this novel has been copied and used by others without my knowledge or consent.  So if you should happen to come across another copy of this novel, under this name or another, in any medium, on the web or not, it is not released with my knowledge and consent and so is pirate.  Or plagiarism.  Or both.

mirror man
Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814

2 posted 2003-08-09 08:33 AM


Special note to teachers, educators:

This novel, this version, may be copied and distributed in any medium as needed for classroom study.

-- mirror man


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