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Cool Universe III
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Cool Universe III |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Cool Universe by mirror man Chapter 3 Sock Monkey gasped. “A rat!” Abnorman dropped it back onto his plate. This was not cool. “A rat!?” Daddyo jumped up from his seat at the dining room table. “Where? Where’s the rat?” Too Cool and Abnorman didn’t say anything. Daddyo frowned suspiciously as he walked into the kitchen and looked around. Then he saw the plate with the tail sticking out of it, and he calmed down. “I don’t see any rat,” he said, and then to Too Cool, in his most pleasant manner, smiling, he said, “Is there some particular reason why you’re not eating?” “No, sir,” said Too Cool. “Perhaps it’s a little undone,” said Daddyo smiling helpfully. “No sir,” said Too Cool. “Or maybe the taste isn’t quite to your liking,” said Daddyo smiling sympathetically. “No, sir,” said Too Cool. “Or perhaps you’re just not hungry right now,” said Daddyo smiling thoughtfully. Wow, Abnorman thought. Pleasant, helpful, sympathetic, smiling, and thoughtful all at once. Daddyo must really be upset. “No, sir,” said Too Cool. Which even Abnorman knew was the wrong answer. Daddyo paused and then said, “So why aren’t you eating?” “Well, you see---” said Abnorman. “Stay out of this,” said Daddyo to Abnorman. “Why?” said Abnorman. “Because,” said Daddyo. So Abnorman stayed out of it. Then Daddy said to Too Cool, “Well?” “No reason at all,” said Too Cool, definitely wishing he were somewhere else. A look of extreme dread crawled slowly over his face. “I’m so glad,” said Daddyo happily. And then, taking the piece with the tail attached to it, he placed it on Too Cool’s plate and said, “Eat!” and stared down at him with daggers in his eyes. Too Cool hesitated for just a moment, Daddyo tensed, ready for the looming battle with never-ending uncoolness, and then -- oh! the shame of it -- with a look of self-loathing and debasement known only to those who have seen it first hand, Too Cool took up his knife and fork, cut off a piece of rat heinie, whimpered, and placed it in his mouth. “Chew!” said Daddyo. Too Cool chewed. “Swallow!” said Daddyo. Too Cool swallowed. Then he gurgled, grimaced, and turned green. He began to gag and pooch up his mouth. He was going to puke. “Throw it up and you can just eat it again,” said Daddyo happily. Which was so disgusting, everyone else wanted to puke too. Fortunately, no one puked. Everyone watched as Too Cool earned his name. Then Daddyo turned to Abnorman. Abnorman wasn’t eating. “You too,” said Daddyo. “Why?” said Abnorman. “Because,” said Daddyo. Then Abnorman looked down at his plate and began to think. “Wait a minute,” he said. And he reasoned thus: for some reason, he didn’t know why, eating a rat, even a cooked rat -- even a cooked enemy rat -- didn’t seem like a very good idea. He didn’t know what this was, but it appeared to be the thing that came after the word Because. “Don’t rats live in the sewer?” he said. “What?” said Daddyo. “Don’t rats---?” “I know what you said,” said Daddyo. “So?” said Abnorman. Daddyo thought for a moment and then said, “Uh...no.” “Oh,” said Abnorman. Doggone. He was sure they did. “They don’t?” “No,” said Daddyo. “Oh,” said Abnorman. Doggone. “Well, where do they live?” “Somewhere else,” said Daddyo. “Where?” Daddyo thought for another moment and then said, “Uh...Mars.” Wow, thought Abnorman. Rats live on Mars. That put a real kaibash on things. “They do?” “Sure they do,” said Daddyo. “All rats live on Mars.” Abnorman didn’t know what to say. Rats. “Oh, now Daddyo,” said Mama Cool nicely. “Rats don’t live on Mars.” “Yes, they do,” said Daddyo, frowning. “Oh, now Daddyo,” said Mama Cool nicely. “Go ahead and humor him. What can it hurt?” Which was about the most uncool thing Mama Cool had ever said. (And it’s also possible she was enjoying it.) Daddyo scowled, totally humorless. “Because,” he said, “he’s doing that th--. Th---.” “Thinking,” said Mama Cool. Daddyo just scowled. Mama Cool turned to Abnorman and said, “Rats don’t live on Mars. Now, go ahead and ask your question.” Finally, Abnorman said, “So. Don’t rats live in the sewer?” “Yeah,” said Daddyo. “So?” “And isn’t that where your turds go when you flush the toilet?” said Abnorman. “Yeah,” said Daddyo. “So?” “And when you blow the boogers out your nose and flush that down too, don’t they go in the sewer?” said Abnorman. “Yeah,” said Daddyo. “So?” “And isn’t there a lot of slime down there in the sewer too?” said Abnorman. “Yeah,” said Daddyo. “So?” “So rats eat turds and boogers and slime, right?” said Abnorman. It was inarguably logical. “Right,” said Daddyo. Then Abnorman looked down at his plate, shook his head, and said, “Nope. I’m not eating that.” It took everyone by complete surprise. “What!?” Daddyo screamed. “You eat that right now!” Abnorman was pushed back in his chair by the force of Daddyo’s voice, but Abnorman held his ground. “No way,” he said. “I’m not eating rats.” Again, Daddyo was thrown for a loss. “It’s not rats,” he said with a lot of unconviction. “It has a tail,” said Abnorman, holding up the tail. “That’s not a tail,” said Daddyo impatiently. “It’s just a burnt piece of spaghetti.” “And a paw,” said Abnorman, showing him the paw. “That’s a chicken foot, for crying out loud,” said Daddyo. “What do you expect it to look like after it’s been cooked?” This also was inarguably logical. But despite Daddyo’s perfectly plausible explanation, and all Mama Cool’s meticulously cool cooking, Abnorman was unconvinced. Then there was a pause, in which two inarguably logical explanations struck at loggerheads for universal domination. It was probably the most famous, most significant, most colossal, pause in the entire history of the known universe. Wow! Sometimes I even impress myself with my insight. (But then, I can say that, being also tremendously humble.) Fortunately for the universe, Abnorman’s side won. “That’s a rat,” said Abnorman, “and I’m not eating it.” Now the shock had worn off, and Daddyo stared down at Abnorman and said, “You eat that right NOW or...or...uh...?” Daddyo stopped suddenly with a puzzled look on his face. Everyone waited. “What’s it say in the book?” said Mama Cool helpfully. “Oh, yeah,” said Daddyo. He looked around frantically, saw the Book, grabbed it, leafed through it quickly, read the pertinent section, and closed the Book. Then he stared down at Abnorman, pointed a big, pointy finger at him, and said, “Eat it! Now!” “No,” said Abnorman. Everyone gasped in amazement. Daddyo frowned. No one said anything. Then Daddyo looked in the book again, closed the book, and pointed an even bigger, pointier finger at Abnorman, and said, “Eat it! Eat it now!” “No,” said Abnorman. Everyone yelled, “Oh, no! Oh no!” Daddyo scowled. No one said anything again. Then Daddyo looked in the book again, closed the book, and pointed an even bigger, gigantic, humungous even, pointier finger at Abnorman, and said, “EAT IT NOW! OR ELSE!” His voice echoed off the mountains and the tree tops. “Why?” said Abnorman. “BECAUSE!!!” yelled Daddyo. “No,” said Abnorman. Then everyone began screaming, “Help! Help! Help!” Sock Monkey covered his eyes in awful expectation. Poor, poor Abnorman! Of course, it’s possible he just didn’t want to eat his supper. It’s possible that it tasted even worse than it looked. It’s even possible it smelled bad. But that’s really a side issue. (These are the things that shape the formative psyche. We should all keep that in mind.) Daddyo began jumping on the floor. “Oh boy, now you’re gonna get it! Now you’re gonna get it!” “Now you’re gonna get it,” said Too Cool to Abnorman. “Where’s my belt!” roared Daddyo. “I’ll whale the tar out of him!” “Yeah,” said Too Cool to Abnorman. “He’ll whale the tar out of you.” “No, no,” said Daddyo. “That’s too good for him. Where’s the switch? I’ll switch his bottom ‘til he can’t sit down for a week!” “Yeah,” said Too Cool to Abnorman. “He’ll switch your bottom ‘til you can’t sit down for a week.” “No, no. That’s too good for him too,” said Daddyo. “Where’s my whip? I’ll teach him! Somebody, tie him to the post. Where’s my whip?” “Over there,” said Too Cool. “Oh, yeah,” said Daddyo. “There it is.” Abnorman almost felt like he deserved it. This was not saving the universe. This was not sane. This was not cool. This was not a lot of things. “I’m walking over to the whip,” said Daddyo, walking over to the whip. “So?” said Abnorman. “I’m picking up the whip,” said Daddyo, picking up the whip. “So?” said Abnorman. “I’m walking back with the whip,” said Daddyo, walking back with the whip. “So?” said Abnorman. “I’m raising the whip in my hand,” said Daddyo, raising the whip in his hand. “So?” said Abnorman. “AAARRRRRG!” yelled Daddyo. “Hee hee,” said Too Cool. And then suddenly, the most extraordinary thing happened. Mama Cool jumped out of her chair and ran screaming into the kitchen. “No! No! No!” She pushed herself between Daddyo and Abnorman and hugged Abnorman in a smothering embrace of cool protection. Why she did this, Abnorman never did figure out. Probably because it was uncool. And then there was total silence. “What---?” “No!” said Mama Cool. “But---” “No!” said Mama Cool. Long silence. “I wasn’t going to hit him hard,” said Daddyo. He held the whip behind him, out of sight. “Yes you were,” said Abnorman. He alternately hugged Mama Cool and scowled at Daddyo. “But...but...,” said Daddyo. “It says so in the Book.” He held the Book out for her to read. “No!” said Mama Cool. Daddyo frowned at both of them, looked in the Book, and said, “Then how about the rubber hose? Torquemada Dude says---” “No!” said Mama Cool. “Okay, okay,” said Daddyo, looking in the Book again. “Here, look. Caligula Dude says---” “No! No! No!” Mama Cool screamed. Daddyo was totally flabbergasted. So was Abnorman. Even Too Cool had stopped eating, a spaghetti-sauced tail hanging out of his mouth. Troglodite Dude, Torquemada Dude, even Caligula Dude, were no match for a mother’s instincts. Zilch. The whole system of Universal Coolness was about to go down the tubes. And just because one uncool kid wouldn’t eat his whatever. Everyone stared at Daddyo. Daddyo quickly looked through the Book again and said, “I know there’s something in here---” “No! No! No!” Mama Cool screamed. Daddyo scowled at the two of them in silence. “Well...well...,” he said. Then he scowled and shifted his weight from side to side, and everyone could see that he was backing down. It was unbelievable. It was the first time Abnorman had ever seen Daddyo back down from anyone. And he even had the Book. It was totally uncool. Then Abnorman began to feel almost guilty. This was definitely not saving the universe. Finally, Daddyo closed the Book with a loud whump! and said, “Okay! Then he can just sit here ‘til he eats it.” Then his anger broke, and he added, “We’ll see how long that lasts.” And he walked back to the dining room and sat down. So that was that. Sort of. Abnorman stared at Daddyo sitting in the dining room and asked himself the same thing. That’s it? All he had to do was say no, and that was it. It almost seemed like a let down. Boy, did he have a lot to learn. copyright 1998, 2000 Author’s note: this is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to real life hypocrites, bullies, and liars is merely coincidental [This message has been edited by mirror man (07-07-2003 10:03 AM).] |
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Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
um... lol that was twisted... it's great  |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
To anyone reading this: Author's unpleasant note: this is the final and only version of this novel that I have released to the public. However, this novel has been copied and used by others without my knowledge or consent. So if you should happen to come across another copy of this novel, under this name or another, in any medium, on the web or not, it is not released with my knowledge and consent and so is pirate. Or plagiarism. Or both. |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Special note to teachers, educators: This novel, this version, may be copied and distributed in any medium as needed for classroom study. -- mirror man |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
I couldn't leave just yet.  |
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