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Cool Universe I
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Cool Universe I |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
by mirror man Chapter 1 A long, long time ago, in a universe far away, there once was a kid named Abnorman. He lived on Planet Cool. Planet Cool has been under scientific observation for a long time. We humans can observe it from our own universe, using telescopes and radiometers, and by observing the returning echoes of really cool TV shows, shows such as Captain Video, the Avengers, the Bionic Babe, like that. They are so cool. I have been observing Planet Cool myself for the last 40 years. I’m what is known as a Zenohistorian. I specialize in Planet Cool. Which is where I come in. I’ll be telling you Abnorman’s story. Not just because I’m familiar with it. Anyone could tell you Abnorman’s story; so what. But because I’m a professional. I mean, if I were getting paid for this. Which would be nice, but I’m not going to get into it. But anyway, I’m a professional. And so bound by the ethics of my profession. Which is cool, unbiased reporting. And humility. And of the facts. Facts are important, yes. What can I say? I’m good. So, to continue: Despite living in a cool house, eating cool food, and generally doing all the cool things that made a kid cool -- and despite anything else he might have done or imagined he did that was cool -- Abnorman himself was not cool. The main reason for this, but certainly not the only reason, was that he was born green. He knew this because Mama Cool told him so. “Oh, you were so cute,” said Mama Cool. “You looked just like little Baby Broccoli.” So Abnorman was the first Broccoli. Most Coolers didn’t know this, which was understandable, because Broccolis hadn’t been invented yet. They came later. Which maybe was a good thing for Abnorman. Because they also were not cool. They were little green things that looked vaguely like Coolers, but they dressed funny and talked funny and were nauseously cute. They also weren’t real. Which is to say, imaginary. And they were green. Which most Coolers weren’t. Because most Coolers that were green were also dead. But Abnorman didn’t know this. All he knew was that he was born green. He was a Broccoli. He was [not] cool. It was a great event. (Ah, poor, poor Abnorman.) Too Cool followed a few minutes later. But unlike Abnorman, he was not green. Not a Broccoli atom in him anywhere. That was just the breaks. For Too Cool, and for all those born not-green, there was the scientific explanation: Too Cool and Abnorman were what was known as Fraternal Twin Kids. It said so in the medical encyclopedia. Abnorman often looked it up. However, the term seemed to be an oxymoron -- twin kids were supposed to be identical -- and Abnorman was immediately suspicious. This suspicion was confirmed in the explanation of Broccolis. Known as Green Kid Syndrome, it is defined as a mere temporary complication, a reaction to a combination of lipoid factors and neurolemmal types and other strange stuff, all perfectly comprehensible to brain surgeons and rocket scientists and all those guys, and totally unintelligible to anyone else. To Abnorman, this made sense: any scientific explanation of Broccolis would have to be unintelligible. It explained a lot. When Mama Cool brought him home, Daddyo took one look at him and said, “He’s green. Take him back.” So Mama Cool took him back and they took out the Green juice. As they were doing this, They (meaning Those Who Take the Green Juice) told him that he wasn’t supposed to be green, that it wasn’t cool to be green, and they even quoted the official Green Kid Syndrome definition at him. But he never believed it (well, maybe a little). He had Mama Cool there to tell him all about it, so why complicate it with facts? No way, man. He was special. He was green. He was cool. He had a lot to learn. One of the first things he learned was how to think. Which raises another important point: the apparent accidental origin of rational thought. It was a total accident, of course, but when it was happening, especially at the beginning, Abnorman felt extremely guilty and paranoid about it. It was the stigma of being the best and first of his kind. And it never went away. He remained guilt ridden and paranoidally defensive to his dying day. And to anyone who brought it up, he would say, “It wasn’t my fault.” Which only increased his guilt and defensiveness because it sounds so, like, immature. But the fact was, it really was an accident -- a fact which will become apparent later -- and it was really, really bizarre. Because he was, like you know, the only one doing it, so it never even occurred to him that he was doing it until it was too late. As for immaturity, well, that’s really a minor point. And who cares anyway? In any case, it wasn’t my fault either, because I wasn’t even there. Later, when Abnorman had already been thinking for some time, he would wonder if perhaps this was the source of his latent psychosis. Which seemed at least possible. After all, he reasoned, take away the natural abnormality of anything, confuse it with facts, and there was no telling what was left. Add to this the fact that when one is born a fraternal twin, it is almost a sure bet that the other one always gets the lion’s share of coolness. So there it was: Abnorman was uncool, and Too Cool was, like, two cool. He was told that the first word he learned to say was “What?” and “Who? Me?” In Earth language that’s three words, but in Coolish it’s only one. Which should tell you something about the way they thought. He was further told that he often became entangled in deep, philosophical discussions with Sock Monkey, his first and best friend, concerning the exact nature of the universe and what it was, exactly, that was threatening it. Sock Monkey usually just grinned. Hee, hee. “Think so?” said Abnorman. On this particular day, they had found what looked to be their first genuine discovery of a possible threat to the universe. This particular threat to the universe that Abnorman found was big and hairy and sitting in a chair in the front room, reading a newspaper. “What do you suppose it is?” said Abnorman to Sock Monkey. Sock Monkey didn’t know. Not for sure. Abnorman and Sock Monkey watched as a big, hairy hand reached out for a cup of coffee on the end table. Then they peeked around the edge of the newspaper it was reading as the big, hairy thing in the chair took a drink. “It’s alive,” Abnorman whispered to Sock Monkey. Daddyo looked up from his newspaper and frowned. (So Abnorman discovered Daddyo and not a threat to the universe. So big deal. Anyway, it was the first time he noticed Daddyo.) Abnorman and Sock Monkey jumped back when the hairy thing looked up from its newspaper. Abnorman whispered to Sock Monkey, “It can see!” Sock Monkey grinned. Hee, hee. But then he always grinned. Everything was cool, even hairy threats to the known universe. Daddyo went back to reading his newspaper. Abnorman waited a while to see what would happen, and he said to Sock Monkey, “What should we do?” Sock Monkey didn’t know that either. Daddyo frowned and read his paper. “Hey, Mama Cool,” Daddyo called out. Abnorman and Sock Monkey jumped back again when it spoke. “It can speak!” said Abnorman to Sock Monkey. “What?” said Mama Cool from the kitchen in answer to Daddyo (that is, not answering Abnorman, who she was half-ignoring). “It says here that they blorf the pork around with flam,” Daddyo yelled. “Really?” said Mama Cool from the kitchen. “Yeah,” yelled Daddyo, reading from his newspaper. “It says they orkus dork on the potch.” “Really,” said Mama Cool from the kitchen. “Yeah,” yelled Daddyo, continuing to read his newspaper. Sock Monkey grinned something into Abnorman’s ear. Hee, hee. “Maybe,” said Abnorman in answer to Sock Monkey’s something. Whatever it was the hairy thing had said, it sounded cool, but he wasn’t totally sure. So they waited and watched. There was no telling where this would go, or how threatening it would become. “So what’s the argle?” said Mama Cool “The furgle potch, ‘I am not a (blank),’” said Daddyo. He scratched his head. “What’s that mean?” said Mama Cool. “Wait a minute,” said Daddyo. “It says the answer’s on the next page.” He turned the page and said, “It says we have to make up our own minds. And it gives us four choices. ‘Insert into blank the following,’ it says,” said Daddyo. “(a) Crook, (b) cheat, or (c) liar.” “So what’s the answer?” said Mama Cool. Daddyo scratched his head again and said, “I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.” “Cool,” said Abnorman in total awe. Daddyo read his newspaper some more, Sock Monkey grinned into Abnorman’s ear some more, and Abnorman said, “Not yet,” in response to whatever it was Sock Monkey said. Then Daddyo looked up from his newspaper, looked at Abnorman and Sock Monkey, frowned some more, and yelled, “Mama Cool, can’t you find something for this kid to do?” “He’s your kid too,” said Mama Cool.” “Yaaa!” said Abnorman to Sock Monkey. “It sees us!” Daddyo rattled his newspaper, frowned at everyone, and yelled to no one in particular, “Doggone it, can’t a guy read a newspaper in peace!” “Yaaa!” said Abnorman to Sock Monkey, and they both jumped back again. “I said that’s enough,” said Daddyo loudly. “Yaaa! Yaaa!” said Abnorman to Sock Monkey again, jumping back again. Then Daddyo scowled, stood up, and said, “Oh, for crying out loud. What’s on TV?” And suddenly there it was. Staring down at them. All six feet of it. It was colossal. It was unstoppable. It was terrifying. It was relentless. And it could watch TV, read the newspaper, and be cool all at the same time. Who would have believed it possible? Abnorman and Sock Monkey stared up at this awful new hairy discovery, contemplated the fate of the universe, reviewed the situation, and yelled, “Yaaa! Yaaa!” And they ran into the bedroom and slammed the door behind them. “Yaaa!” And scared themselves. Abnorman hadn’t saved the universe. It was very disappointing. Author’s note: this is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to real life hypocrites, bullies, and liars is merely coincidental. copyright 1998, 2000 [This message has been edited by mirror man (07-03-2003 08:44 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 mirror man - All Rights Reserved | |||
Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
This is just too cute. You had me grinning the entire way through  thanks for the read!!It is said the Creator has taken a handful of South Wind and given each newborn Arabian the power of flight without wings |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Skyfire -- thank you, I appreciate it. Chapter 2 is up, if you're interested. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
mirror man...I'm coming back to read all three when I have a bit more time...just wanted you to know.  |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Thanks, Martie. I always appreciate your input. [This message has been edited by mirror man (07-10-2003 01:22 PM).] |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Mirror Man-- This is very, very good... I was laughing all the way through, your style is phenomenal and it really brought a lot into the story itself. I don't tend to like prose unless there's some obvious contribution on the part of the author to the impact of the writing, instead of just the subject matter they choose to write... your storyline alone wouldn't have been enough to make me laugh without the cleverness with which you chose to execute it. I think this is absolutely perfect... I'm putting it into my private library. If this doesn't ever get published them something is seriously wrong with the universe. Either this universe, or our universe. I'm going to go read the others, either now or later, but rest assured. Parasite Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (07-08-2003 02:43 PM).] |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
click |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Thank you, but I doubt it will ever be published. No one wants to publish it. [This message has been edited by mirror man (07-10-2003 01:25 PM).] |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
No offense to anyone, but you've raised an important point. To me, anyway. I submitted this to many publishers, all rejected. I've seen bits and pieces of this all over since. Really, this thing has been so ripped off, you guys are probably the only ones who haven't read it. So read and enjoy. That's why I wrote it. [This message has been edited by mirror man (07-10-2003 01:18 PM).] |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
mirror man...I did enjoy it...clever and funny...and I kept wanting to say, "It's not easy being green", but didn't until now. You put alot of time into this. I'll be back when I can, to read the others. Thanks. |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
To anyone reading this: Author's unpleasant note: this is the final and only version of this novel that I have released to the public. However, as I said, this novel has been copied and used by others without my knowledge or consent. So if you should happen to come across another copy of this novel, under this name or another, in any medium, on the web or not, it is not released with my knowledge and consent and so is pirate. Or plagiarism. Or both. [This message has been edited by mirror man (08-05-2003 12:27 AM).] |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Special note to teachers, educators: This novel, this version, may be copied and distributed in any medium as needed for classroom study. -- mirror man |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
This was definitely fun to read and I'll be back for more later. |
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