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Ghost-Hands
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Ghost-Hands |
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LilTai Member
since 2002-06-08
Posts 189United States |
It’s been three months now. I’m laying on your bed when you finally get home. I jump up effortlessly when I hear the door shutting downstairs, my body leaving no imprint on the blankets. I wait for you here, in your room. My ghost-hands grasp at pictures I can no longer pick up. Me and you…My arms around your neck, both of us smiling; Sneaking a kiss on the stairs; Me in your arms, as you swung us around in tight circles. I remember that day. I remember all of them, really. There’s more pictures but I stop looking. It hurts too much. Every moment I wait for you. I can see you downstairs, under me. You hum quietly as you switch on the TV, not caring what channel is on. Only wanting the comfort of noise. I can hear paper rustle as you sift through the mail. There’s a postcard from your mom; she still sends you them occasionally. You pause as your eyes skim the next envelope, and flinch as your brain takes in the words. I strain to see what it is, leaning as far as I can without falling through the floor. A simple line; Mr. & Mrs…. I rip my eyes away as you do the same. I smile numbly that we remain synchronized even now. I watch your face cloud over, frustrated and angry –you never show sadness anymore. I sit back on your bed and rest my ghost-chin against my hand. There’s a large picture, black and white, of a moon. The outline of trees is visible, and clouds appear a dark shade of grey, barely noticeable. It hangs above our bed-your bed now. I lay my head on your pillow, forgetting for a second that I cannot feel its softness or breathe in the scent of you. There’s a deep ache in my chest. It hasn’t once disappeared for three months. It is bearable at times, but never leaves. But now it pierces me, the pain enough to squeeze my eyes shut. I hear your socks climbing the stairs. Your familiar padded step slower, harder. I jump at the sound of you, and reach to smooth the pillow, which hasn’t changed at all. My hands brush over it invisibly, feeling no sensation even as I press harder, and my fingers disappear. I hop back as you push the door, and step gently into the room. Forgetting again, I almost touch you but my own hand recoils fearfully. I move silently around the room, holding my breath though I no longer breathe. I watch every move you make. The pain in my chest aches, deeper and deeper until I feel it in my entire body. My body longs to feel you, press into you and touch my lips to yours. I want to hug you but can’t. Every part of me wills itself to be seen, but is not. You walk around the room unaware that I am with you, trying relentlessly to reach you. My throat tightens and I choke back a cry. The pain increases and consumes me. I want you to know I’m here. I need you to know. I scream as loud as silence and beg you to hear me. I want to be with you so bad my body shakes and I loose my balance. I reach out to catch myself, but my hands fall through the edge of the bed and I land silently on the floor. I sit there, almost waiting to feel your arms around me, and your lips kissing my face and neck, comforting me…but then I remember. I look all over the room and realize, now in a raw, tender pain, that you’ll never see me, or hear me and I’ll never feel you. Unconsciously you reach for a CD from the rack, your hand faltering as you decide which to choose. I know before you do which it will be. Still I Rise. Holding it in your hands, you’re reminded of years ago, when we first met. You think of a night in early spring that you and I spent together, a time unknown to anyone but us. You think of another night, together laying in bed as we made love. Your brain tells you to put it back, but trance-like you put it into the stereo on the floor and press “play”. I focus all of my attention on it, willing it to play the song I know your brain will make you skip over. Already you’re skipping through, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, you pause at eight. Let it play through, you’re trying to convince yourself, you can skip the next one. Nine comes on, the music in the beginning before the words freezes you. Let it play. Please, I beg, don’t turn it. Let it play. You raise your hand from your lap but it stays suspended in the air. I rush to you, ready to throw my arms around you, but stop inches from your body and sit on the floor at your side. I feel your skin getting goosebumps from the music. I rest my chin on the bed, staring up at you. I’d give anything to feel your hand on my head, patting my hair. The pain worsens and I inch closer to you. I see your face change, watch you reach over and hit the music off. You stand up angrily, angry you let yourself be sad again. You want to lift now, you want to feel the weight and the strength of your body erase the pain. I stand now, too, barely able to move from the pain in me. It is piercing in my chest, and echoes out throw the rest of me. It clenches my throat, daring me to cry. I look at you and wish I could be as strong. I watch you pull off your shirt and replace it with a tee-shirt. I feel helpless, resigned only to watching you. You unbuckle your belt and slip your pants off, pulling on a pair of shorts. My ghost-hands long to touch you, to feel your warm skin. You start to walk back out of the room, but I step in front of you before I can stop myself. You step into me and for the first time in three months I feel warm. I can feel you. You freeze, unable to move. The pain is gone and I can feel you and smell you. You feel a chill deep inside you now, and hug your shoulders. I can feel you now; I can feel everything again. My heart beats and joins yours. For an instant, you think you see me, light as your breath on a cold window, the color of the faintest fog after rain. You close your eyes and shake your head, erasing the image. And then you step out of me. I collapse, immediately pounded by the pain, returning harsher than I’d ever felt it. I call out and cry for you to come back, but, of course, you can’t hear me. I try to stand and run to you, but fall to my knees. I lean on my hands, screaming for you. You are walking just ahead of me, deaf to my calls. Tears are streaming down my face, but never reach the floor. Tai |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
A ghostly tale told with feeling and passion. Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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Flower Member
since 2003-03-15
Posts 240California |
This one really got my attention. Interesting! Love reading all these great writes. |
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