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kaile
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0 posted 2003-01-31 03:32 AM


I can't explain why but as a teenager, dream-weaving came easily for me. Many of my friends seemed to be living in a perpetual fog, either bewildered about their life paths or skeptical about the whole business of planning and subsequently working to attain their goals. I was blissfully spared from such tiresome worries and happily caught in a dilemma about which of my favourite professions I should try out first. Perhaps I had an insatiable zest for life then. Or perhaps I was blinded by my ignorance.

Either way, my dreams didn't quite materialise. I thought it was because I was bowing down to societal expectations, parental objections, peer pressure or even a combination of all three factors. But on hindsight, I finally confessed that I didn't like myself enough to accept failure with my dignity intact. I just didn't have the courage  to venture forward because I subconsciously knew that I needed success to sustain my self-worth.

The other day, I didn't feel guilty or remorse when I learnt of someone disliking me. It hit me, not without pride though, that I have finally felt comfortable in my own skin. I now know myself well enough to stand by the decisions I make and make no apologises for the person I am, after deciding that I have behaved appropriately and that my intentions are honorable.

I would love to start pursuing dreams, having come to such favourable terms with myself. But dream-weaving seems such a far-fetched ideal these days. Perhaps I have grown too accustomed to the harsh realities of the working world that I can't conjure up dreams without feeling hopelessly inadequate. Or perhaps I feel unqualified to dream because I am of the opinion that if I limit my dream-weaving within certain pre-determined boundaries, such dreams would taint the essence of what it is like to dream and hence are no longer authentic.

I once had the capacity to dream but lacked the guts. I now possess strength and courage but lack the dreams to pursue. Isn't it funny how life plays us out?


[This message has been edited by kaile (01-31-2003 06:26 AM).]

© Copyright 2003 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved
Joyce Johnson
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1 posted 2003-02-02 01:54 AM


A sad tale.  A dream without the will.  A will with out the way.  Well done.  Joyce
Midnitesun
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2 posted 2003-02-02 12:38 PM


Maybe the dream cycle is just taking a short vacation?
Let your mind travel freely, don't set up any boundaries or blockades. Your natural dream rhythm will open the floodgates when you are filled up and ready to overflow.
I applaud your self-acceptance stance.

kaile
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3 posted 2003-02-03 05:27 AM


I thank the both of you for reading. Muchly appreciated~I'm glad that both of you found this interesting enough to leave comments

Thanks Joyce for including the saying "when there's a will, there's a way"...it got me thinking about situations where this saying would be deemed a fallacy. Maybe i would come up with another musing on this? Hmmmm...

Kacy, you reckon so? that's an interesting thought~to dream even when you feel unable to so that your natural dream rhythm will have a chance to take over. i'll think more about it, alright?


kaile
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4 posted 2003-02-03 05:29 AM


Just writing this down so that i will be reminded when i feel the urge to edit

Dreaming within confined boundaries seems inevitable since I am no longer a child who owns a gift of dreaming outrageously

Larry C
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5 posted 2003-02-03 09:07 AM


kaile,
How I love your writing. Sorry to disappoint your "thick skin" but I do. There is great value in being able to assess one's self. And candor ranks among the necessary skills to do it right. Having done that, it seems to me, that instead of lacking dreams you may be assessing your reality to be able to pursue them. Nothing wrong with being practical. But adverture has its rewards too. So I'll ask...how much of a risk taker are you? Because I think you still have dreams!  

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

[This message has been edited by Larry C (02-03-2003 09:23 AM).]

kaile
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6 posted 2003-02-04 11:15 AM


Larry,
very kind and flattering sentiments. Thank you. Now I have someone to blame when my head grows too big and i perceive editing to be beneath me..

I am not much of a risk-taker but last year, i have been venturing out of my comfort zone and doing things that i would normally frown upon. The rewards i gained are priceless and i guess i am ditching aside some of my cowardice

Ahhh, you are right..but the thing is, I can't afford to dream. I am bonded to be a teacher for 4 years. Hence I can't dream about what glorious profession i should embrace or else I will just make myself miserable.

Not to say i am not excited about teaching though. I look forward to teaching very much. Just that i hope to do other things with my life besides teaching and i fear that my reluctance to dream these days will be a stumbling factor...

[This message has been edited by kaile (02-04-2003 11:16 AM).]

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