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4:48 am
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4:48 am |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK 
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It's that time of the morning again. According to most psychiatrists, 4:48 am is the time of the day when the most suicides take place. It is, allegedly, the time when desparation visits, when the sky starts to fade from black to dreary slate-grey. They have a point. I've been awake all night. Mainly rolling over, getting cold, clammy feet tangled in rough sheets. Or lying still on my back, trying to set a new record for not moving. This time I managed two hours. I lay there for two whole hours. And prayed. Prayed that soon, this would all be over. Prayed that, after weeks of snatched moments of semi-consciouness, I can sleep. And now for the cliche- I don't want to wake up. I have this mantra- "Let me go". From 1:32 am to 3:48 am, I chanted it. When I finally stopped, I felt something travel through my veins. Whatever it was, it was making me drowsy. I thought "Thank God. It's finally happening." Of course, it didn't. No deity wanted to save me. After a while, it wore off. Typical. So I went back to thinking about you. Yesterday, I phoned you. Your phone rang about ten times, then I heard a voice on the other end; "Hello. You have reached Luke's phone. Leave a message after the tone". A girl was saying it. Your girlfriend, if I'm not mistaken. I can build a picture from her voice. I bet she's short. Thin, with dyed blonde hair and mousy roots just coming through. She sounded bored and uninterested. Which pretty much sums up your whole relationship. I guess you removed my recording of your voicemail message. Been replaced. Again. But I'm always lurking in the background. I'm standing at the window now. And the sky, predictably, is grey. Somewhere under that grey sky, you're lying with someone, your face buried in blonde and mouse. I stare at my bed. It looks as cold as ever. Time to open the curtains. "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, my karma just ran over your dogma" |
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| © Copyright 2002 Eleanor Warren - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Stinky Twinkie Member
since 2002-11-26
Posts 204Dinwiddie |
my dear god, that awesome. I really enjoyed reading this. This is the first poem I've read in the Prose forum and I will be sure to come back. Happy Possum-Chasing! -Stinky Twinkie- |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
Why, thankily-dankily Stink Twink. I actually posted this piece this morning in the middle of a huge black mood. I've since re-read it and decided that it's a load of self-indulgent parp. But, hey, Sarah Kane made a living out of this kind of subject matter, so why shouldn't I? Happy beer-can kicking Ellie of the Neurosis.  "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, my karma just ran over your dogma" |
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Stinky Twinkie Member
since 2002-11-26
Posts 204Dinwiddie |
Hey, if you can make a living out of writing prose, I say go for it! It beats flipping burgers or filling out paper work! I think I'm gonna try this prose thing out, so keep an eye open for me.  -Stinky Twinkie- |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
I tried that "no motion for as long as you can" thing too. I think I managed a few hours. Masterbating helps. Hmmm.. what else.. what else.. Oh yea.. get over him he's not worth your time... would you accept him if he came crawling back to you? If no, then why even worry about it? If yes, then, well, from the sound of it.. that may not take as long as you think.. |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
Well, thanks EagleScorpion, I'll bear that in mind. And if he came crawlig back..... well, yes I would take him back. Pathetic but true. Ellie "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, my karma just ran over your dogma" |
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Kosetsu Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 450Alabama, USA |
Excellent piece. I loved the ending especially. As for making a living out of prose, go for it. I intend to...well, provided I ever manage to break this writer's block. -Adam |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
This was a great read, thoroughly enjoyed it. Happy New Year. My perspective of me is different, |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Nice piece with an excellent introduction. You do a good job setting the emotional mood of the piece before delivering the thing that's really on your mind. I did find the part describing the girl saying the message on the phone to be a bit sloppy. For example, why do you begin a new paragraph stating that a girl made the recording and then go on describing her in another a new paragraph? It seems you only need the one paragraph for your description of the girl. However, perhaps you had the independant "stray" sentence for effect. It certainly did give me a bit of pause, telling where this piece was going. But on the whole, I liked the colloquial style of this piece. You are able to be casual in your writing without it sounding forced or immature. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
The stray sentence was intended for effect, although evidently it doesn't really do it for everyone. If I get an idea I tend to sit at the computer and type, regardless of grammer, etc  . Meh-meh. Ellie, Queen of the Smilies "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, my karma just ran over your dogma" |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
I know what you mean. I am a bit of a lazy writer myself. I can't be bothered to sit down and start cracking away at a story unless I am struck by some supernatural lightningbolt[God sent or otherwise is a matter best left for other discussions]. I had better start taking more initiative or else I will make a very terrible unemployed writer, lol. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
I enjoyed your writing...James |
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