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BlueEyes
Member
since 2002-08-30
Posts 152
TX, USA

0 posted 2002-08-30 04:02 PM



I was going to title this poem as “Why I hate you” but then I realized that it is not really you that I hate, but the way you make me feel about myself. When the truth is known, I love you far more than I could ever hate you. So I decided to title it, “Why I hate myself”

I hate myself for believing you when you said you loved me. But what I hate even more is the feeling I have inside deep down inside that in some small way you do still love me. Maybe it’s because of the fact that I bore your children, and cooked your meals, and washed your clothes. And did any and everything else you asked of me. Things that I hated to do, but still did them because it is what you wanted. And my heart’s only desire was to make you happy. I believed that in your happiness, I would find mine.

I hate myself for giving you everything I had. I laid it all out, and you took it. You took it and used it for your advantage. Not caring that in the end, I would be found used & wasted.

I hate myself for letting you make me feel worthless. For letting you take the beauty that I have inside of me and distorting it and making it unrecognizable. You reached deep down inside the dark corners of my heart and found the only joy I had left – the joy I had hidden so carefully from everyone else. You found it and crushed it, disintegrating it into dust, only to be taken away by the long sighs you often make when thinking of what I have become.

I hate myself for letting you make me feel like no one else could ever love me. All of the self –pride I had worked so hard to obtain, all of the beauty I thought I had found both inside & out, you took it all away. Took it away and used it for your own gratification. Your prize trophy – used only for display, never to be touched and handled with care for fear of tarnish.

I hate myself for loving you so deeply & foolishly, with the innocent love of a child. Like the love our children have for you. I hate myself for getting caught up in the moment – A moment of intimancy for me, a moment of pleasure for you. For in that moment we were given the most beautiful miracle of life, a child. A child who would follow you to the ends of the earth. I hate myself for letting my precious child fall so deeply in love with a person like you.

I hate myself for all of the times you made me cry. I hate myself for all of the tears I wasted on you. Tears that should’ve been saved for the times of joy. Like the first step, the first homerun, graduation day. Days that I knew you would not be there to celebrate with us.

Maybe one day, with time, I will overcome the death grip of hate, and look for a new life, a new love, new hope.

Until then, I will continue to hate myself for hating myself.

© Copyright 2002 Tera - All Rights Reserved
Kethry
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082
Victoria Australia
1 posted 2002-08-31 05:39 AM


Powerful write Blue Eyes, I hope it is not real and if it is remember "love can overcome a multitude of sins" especially hate.
HuGS
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind.  Unknown



kmavery63
New Member
since 2002-08-31
Posts 1
texas
2 posted 2002-08-31 03:37 PM


Well written and honest, but wasted talent if the person you are speaking to does not read it. Be brave and let him!
Wanda
Member
since 2001-10-23
Posts 461

3 posted 2002-08-31 04:26 PM


Blue Eyes, If this is true in your life, I too agree he should read what you have written.  It is powerfully written, and sometimes people simply don't realize the damage they have done to the other person of the relationship.  Good writing..Wanda
BlueEyes
Member
since 2002-08-30
Posts 152
TX, USA
4 posted 2002-08-31 05:35 PM


Thank you all for your kind replies. Unfortuantely it is my life, but maybe I will take your suggestions to heart and let him read it.
FairOdyssey
New Member
since 2002-09-01
Posts 2

5 posted 2002-09-01 09:11 PM


TO Blue eyes,

I remember when you smiled so bright that the, sun seemed to disapper from the sky,
It could devour all obscurity and make old women yern for revived youth.
An innocence that could let no one blemish,
Or take from the cluch of such fair fingers.
And an energy that was illuminated,
like magik dancing.
Heed me this,
You are without blemish in my eyes,
take life for what it has given you and depart with what is worthy of such perfection.
You are beautiful and without flaw.
You can rely on my melancholy heart to always remember and cherish quondam,
But only you,
My fair patron, can give yourself the happiness you seek.
So without indecision make the choice live life the way it was.


FairOdyssey
(Men come and go, but friends will last a life time, at least this one will, you'll always have a shoulder to cry on.)

BlueEyes
Member
since 2002-08-30
Posts 152
TX, USA
6 posted 2002-09-01 10:26 PM


To FairOdyssey
I am at a loss for words at what you have just written. Even through everything that we have been through, you are the only one close enough to my heart to say the things I need to hear. I cherish your advice, your encouragement, and most of all your friendship.
Thank you for being there even through the times I wasn't - for those are the times I most regret.

BlueEyes

FairOdyssey
New Member
since 2002-09-01
Posts 2

7 posted 2002-09-02 02:00 PM


I LOVE YOU MAN!!!!  


Sorry, I was crying, I had to break the tension.

Fair

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