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The Wake of Her (for a princess)
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The Wake of Her (for a princess) |
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Anvrill Senior Member
since 2002-06-21
Posts 710in the interzone now 
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There was something about this girl that always made me hate myself. If you had asked me then, I would have laughed at the idea that maybe she intimidated me. Or that maybe I myself found a tug of attraction, before I was willing to admit the dualities of my lust. She was tall enough to make me feel short, but not tall enough to scare off the guys. She was quite the blonde, in perky personality and hair colour, and admitted often to starving herself to keep her weight down to 110. So small that she could shop at all the sluts stores, but not so small that she lost the essential curves. For two years, I forced her to eat. Spent my own money to make sure at least one thing went into her stomach every lunch hour. It was to quell my feelings of guilt, of course, since I hated her so much for no real reason. It wasn't her fault that she went after every guy I had ever fallen for. Nor was it her fault that she stole all the ones I ever had a chance with. It was in her nature to be outgoing, and in mine to just stand back and watch. I never saw the good in her that all her conquests did. She was some sort of radiant angel with punky clothes and wildly stemmed eyeliner, coming down from heaven to give them a touch of sex and healing in their broken apart lives. This was until she got bored, then picked up and moved on, leaving them back in the remnants of her words like "forever". Maybe she truly loved them all and just wasn't sure how to make love last. She was young, with a family that had touched her in inappropriate ways; the beginnings of an excuse for a behaviour I have no right to excuse. In the giggling confidence exchanged only between girls, she had told me she'd already been with 14 boys. Having then not even been with one myself, I had just grimaced and turned it into a smile. If no one could show awe, after all, what was the point of her having gone through so much? I have never been able to sympathize with her pains, especially in the absence of her company. Everyone I know has been hurt too badly to lead a normal life. There's a rash of mental illness and broken homes that seems to draw us all together, while at the same time make it impossible for us to feel for each other. For years now, I have distanced myself from most anything male. The fear of rejection turned into something more like hysteria. This girl helped me keep back, it seems, since she swooped in and stole away every guy who ever got close. It has to be because we were in the same social circle, but the timing was sometimes uncanny. I would reach the edge, ready to open my mouth and make known my feelings, then they would be in her arms. In months, it would be over, and I would never have the courage to try again. I would force myself to lose the feelings, and it has often made me lose the friends. The only one still with me now is the only one she directly betrayed. I've spent this past year talking about my old life. Practically now another life, giving in to its own decay. I find myself in a position to be alone for other reasons; my ever-present habit of loving those I can't have. At least not right now. It should be a relief that only physical distance keeps me away from winning this time, with someone she never would have had. Someone who is as much a part of me as anything has ever been. I just can't shake it when I talk with old friends of old times, and I see her face interfering with every step of my high school life. She had told me we were destined to be friends. I had never responded to that. I just know that, in the wake of her, I will never feel good enough. And in times like these, when the depressions rise, it can become inescapable. i'll be waiting for you do exactly what you're told jm [This message has been edited by Anvrill (08-27-2002 05:03 PM).] |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
A nice elegy for Sarah, but don't get all depressed on me now. You tell me whenever I'm down to get my head out of my butt. Well, likewise.  "Here is your head, here is your butt, and never the twain shall meet."I love you, my girl of endless joy and sorrow. Me |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
By the way, "I had just grimaced" not "I just grimaced." Slightly different meanings, with what comes before. *kiss* Mike [This message has been edited by bsquirrel (08-27-2002 04:41 PM).] |
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