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heart, soul, mind
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heart, soul, mind |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
I am confused. Subdued by my opposing wishes, wishes that scare me in and of themselves, without their conflict. A battle rages within me, and I watch it, afraid. Unsure of what I want, or what I really am. A part of me, my mind, feels no emotion ever, that I have noticed, except guilt when my heart decides to use someone. My heart wants desperately to be loved. It connives and schemes and acts, all to be loved. My soul, it contends that I do not deserve to be loved, or to be happy. It enjoys a twisted satisfaction whenever I am unhappy. All of these my enemies, I am caught in the middle of their war. I go to be alone, my heart wanting to be noticed, followed, and reassured of my worth. To gain love, love from anyone will do. My soul, it hopes to be ignored, wanting to immerse me in misery. My mind merely wants to avoid the awful feeling of guilt brought on by the actions of my heart. This time my soul has won. My mind is glad, knowing it will not face the guilt it feels after my heart has received the love it uses other people to attain. My soul emits a feeling of rightness in the midst of this. My heart moans and cries, dejected. All these clashes do not combine for any kind of peace or logic. These parts, all of them, hate each other, and since all are parts of me, I occasionally find myself very absorbed in hating myself. My heart screams its rage at my soul, my mind mutters relief, yet dislike at my unhappiness, and my soul ignores them, satisfied. All these clashes do not combine for any kind of peace or logic. These parts, all of them, hate each other, and since all are parts of me, I occasionally find myself very absorbed in hating myself. Caught in the middle of this chaos between my conflicting parts, I long only for peace. Peace and oneness. Hmm... I made some major changes. Let me know what you think. Original- I am confused. Subdued by my opposing wishes, wishes that scare me in and of themselves, without their conflict. A battle rages within me, and I watch it, afraid. Unsure of what I want, or what I really am. A part of me, my heart, wants desperately to be loved. It connives and schemes and acts, all to be loved. My soul, it contends that I do not deserve to be loved, or to be happy. It enjoys a twisted satisfaction whenever I am unhappy. Both of these my enemies, I am caught in the middle of their war. I go to be alone, my heart wanting to be noticed, followed, and reassured of my worth. To gain love, love from anyone will do. My soul, it hopes to be ignored, wanting to immerse me in misery. This time my soul has won. My mind is glad, it dislikes the guilt it feels after my heart has received the love it uses other people to attain. My soul emits a feeling of rightness in the midst of this. My heart screams its rage at my soul, my mind mutters relief, yet dislike at my unhappiness, and I, caught in the middle of this chaos between my conflicting parts, long for peace. Peace and oneness. [This message has been edited by Kielo (03-12-2002 05:47 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jeremiah Leonard - All Rights Reserved | |||
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amusemi Senior Member
since 2001-12-08
Posts 1262A State of Disarray |
Congrats on the first post. I enjoyed the read. The only thing missing is what the mind expects. I hope this manifests in a sense of closure for you at some time.  I hope you will post more. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Welcome to the family! I enjoyed this soul searching piece, I hope to see you post more prose here.  |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Thank you both. Its really quite frustrating. I have a friend who reads me like a grade 2 book, and understands me totally. We talked about it today, and we both ended up angry, because I'm just not ready yet to sort this out, its something I have to learn on my own. She, on the other hand, thinks I should listen to her, and do what she says. But we both agreed that I need to figure this out on my own, and she's going to try not to talk about me to my face... lol... that's an unusual request... but it'll all work out. Just maybe not on her timing, or the way I think I want it to right now. Its really funny, because I know she's right, but I'm just so against what she's saying, because I'm just not ready yet. I'm such a mess... lol Sorry, that was a weird vent... I just needed to say that. Anyway, yah, I think the mind needs to have a little more input too, but I'm not really sure WHAT it wants. *Buries her head in her hands* I'm soooooooooo confused... lol Thanks again for the welcome and compliments.  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I'm still walking, and still haven't figured everything out! I know the frustration! But I also know that writing can bring a lot into focus...so you keep writing, as I am mighty pleased at this first attempt! Welcome to Passions! |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Yah, I'm pleased too, actually. I have never been good at writing prose, its just not my gift... I write poetry. Then one day I was just confused and depressed, and I sat down and wrote this, and I was amazed! I couldn't believe I wrote it... I'm very pleased at how well it turned out.I have more things I want to add to the mind, but I don't want to just add something everyday, so I'm just going to save my thoughts and write something new in a month or so. Depends what happens between now and then. Thank you all for the replies! |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
welcome to the club! in my mind there are some definite advantages to prose in the venting phase... you can run wild with your descriptives, avoid forms, etc. a lot of freedom. always happy to see someone who starts their tour at PiP in the Prose forumChristopher |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Yah, my problem was that with all the freedom, I never knew what to write... lol. Just needed to find my muse. |
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Morcastlin Member
since 2002-01-14
Posts 244The Jersey Shore, USA |
An excellen piece of writing! Well done! Love, Bonnie |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Kielo: This piece was good, but still a diamond in the rough, if you don't mind my use of cliche. I can identify a lot with some of what you've said here. Overall the content was good and interesting. However, the grammar needs some improvement. This piece is filled with run on sentences and fragments. Thus, this was a good piece, but with some gramatical improvements it would be much much better. Thanks for the read, and welcome to piptalk.  "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Hmm... well fractal, I actually noticed that, and left it the way it was. I wanted to convey confusion, and a little bit of disorientation. I didn't want it to be perfect. Although, I think you're right. I didn't so much write confusion and disorientation so much as inattention. Which I probably had at the moment.  I'll work on it.I did notice that I repeated two sentences when I edited it, which rather angered me, but when I tried to fix it, I found that it was 24 hours after the original post.  Oh well.Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing. |
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