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possibly part of a bigger story (my first post)
| Passions in Prose |
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possibly part of a bigger story (my first post) |
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encounter New Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 4 |
It’s the feel of gravel crunching under the soles of his boots that makes his eyes open. It is almost an impulse, though his mind does have some say in it. At first he doesn’t know anything, he just stares into the dark world around him. Moonlight washes down around onto his surroundings. Surprise lingers near his thoughts. This is not where he expected to end up, but it seems that it all connects with this place. Not knowing why, he walks forward, the gravel crunches under his scuffed boot almost soothingly. It isn’t until he is right upon them that he decides to stop and sit in between the train tracks. Giving a small almost inaudible grunt, he bends and sits cross-legged, straddling one of the wooden planks. He can feel the coarse wood beneath his jeans. Staring straight ahead, he surveys the lay of the land. Directly in front and behind him are identical steel beams. Beyond that is more gravel and another set of tracks, though these are much older and, by the looks of their shabby up keeping, no longer in use. Further out and down a slope is a small field, filled with bushes, tall weeds, and briars. It looks almost spooky in the light of the waning moon. The overgrowth seems to shiver and move, as if beckoning him with their movements. He is almost disquieted. Almost. Farther out, across the field and up a small hill, sits a large metal building. He knows what they use to be for, but now they only serve one purpose, and that’s something he’d rather not think of. The smell of copper and dirt wafts up from underneath him and the night provides no wind to blow this scent away. He shies away from the first odor; thoughts unpleasant are brought with this scent. The second odor he welcomes openly. There is something pure about it. It is a smell from his childhood, a smell of life and actions and happiness. The reasoning behind this association isn’t clear, but he is comforted by it none-the-less. His tongue pokes out from between his lips and bathes them in saliva. Copper is immediately noticeable to his taste buds. He grimaces and makes a face like that of a dog trying to remove peanut butter from the roof of its mouth. It isn’t exactly the most graceful way of dealing with this, but there is no one around to witness it and highly unlikely that he would care even if there was. Nothing surprises or scares him anymore. Worry is a different story. It is a constant influence on every action he partakes in. Even now, his worries are pouring through filters and sloshing around in his mind, coating his thoughts. It is because of this that he is still free. Otherwise, he would have never been able to keep up with the proceedings that take precedence in his life. All those things that circle around the abandoned building that lies in front of him. He watches the large, abandoned complex that lays coated in moonlight with no real emotion. Then something moves. It is not close to him, so he would have not known it had even happened if his line of sight had not been exactly as it had been. Had he even blinked, then there would be no knew thoughts to be processed, but now it is too late for that. Worry is on the rampage, throwing things around in the front of his mind and causing quite the stir. Quickly, giving no real thought to anything but letting his mind take over, he stands up, brushes the dirt from his seat, and starts walking towards the building. His eyes are glassy in the moonlight. They look like that of a doll. There is no life in them. He doesn’t even notice as his hand produces an object from his right pocket. All his mind is really focusing on is the movement that had taken place over by the building. It is his place now, no one ever goes there and if they should... As the sound of gravel crunching under his boots changes into that of someone walking swiftly over grass, his hand makes a quick gesture and something metal glints in the moonlight. Something sharp. All he smells and tastes is copper. He closes his eyes and walks on. |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
dear encounter, i like the story here... even if it is a bit demented... i've come to expect that from you... i also think it's very well-written but i did notice a few things that i thought i'd point out... the uncertainty in this piece disturbs me a bit as a reader... i get the impression that you want it to contribute to an overall feeling of eerieness, but in certain places i feel as though it detracts from the story more than it serves this purpose -- leading the reader's mind off onto the wrong path... the one place i felt this most strongly was at the end of the third paragraph where it says: "He is almost disquieted. Almost." i feel somehow that this could be more directly phrased and still get across the same idea... such as "He is disquieted -- almost." also, in the sixth paragraph, fourth sentence, i feel that "exactly" is unneeded there... in that same sentence i feel that "...but there is no one around to witness it and highly unlikely that he would care even if there was." is a bit awkward... it conveys the message, but i feel a bit of reordering the words could make for an easier read... the final word of the second sentence of the seventh paragraph seems repetitious to me... not because that word itself ("in") has been repeated, but perhaps due to the use of "influence" earlier in the same sentence and the repetition of sound there... the final sentence of that paragraph doesn't seem to be an actual sentence... or else it is constructed awkwardly enough to fool me... perhaps combine it with the previous sentence using a comma or dash if you prefer to keep it stated as-is? it seems to be a key clue in this haunting story, so you would surely want it to read clearly... in the eighth paragraph, i think you should use another descriptive word besides "coating" to describe the complex since you use it earlier in the story to describe the way worry engulfs his thoughts... i also feel like a word other than "then" would convey the sense of suddenness in the movement he notices... i also feel the phrase "have not known it had even happened" would be better as "not have even noticed it"... "knew" should be "new" i'm fairly sure... i'm a little unclear about this one phrase in paragraph nine... this one is up to you, but see if "...anything but letting his mind take over, he stands up..." wouldn't be better written as "...anything -- but letting his mind take over -- stands up..." "that" should probably be "those" in reference to the doll's eyes... finally, "something sharp" isn't a sentence and should probably be offset as a dependent clause with a dash or something more than a comma to give the dramatic pause you obviously intended to be there... i love the ending... very mysterious and chillingly stirring... i look forward to reading more... hopefully i haven't been overly critical... i really do like the story  keep up the good work... sincerely, jerome Do not be deaf to me, for if you are silent I shall go down to the pit like the rest. (Psalm 28) |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
First off, I love the tone and voice you used in this piece of writing. It's interesting: vague and mysterious but with good imagery. As a reader though, in the second paragraph I found myself tripping on the sentence, "Not knowing why, he walks forward, the gravel crunches under his scuffed boot almost soothingly." "crunches" should be "crunching" I believe. Since the character is currently walking, the sound is currently happening, and then the paragraph flows much more smoothly. Also in that paragraph you use the word "plank" to describe a railroad tie. LOL Please excuse me, but I'm going to be really picky in this instance, and "plank" conjures up a flimsy and less than solid image. Rail road ties are big pieces of wood and I feel should be described so. I don't like the end of the third paragraph all that well either. The final "Almost" makes it seem more forced. I'm sure you can say this in a much more fitting way. Don't be afraid of getting metaphorical. Now paragraph four, this is the weakest part of this story. First of all you describe "a large metal building" - Singular. And then "He knows what they are used for" and then one other instance of "they." What "they?" I was only told of one building. This either needs to be singular or they needs to be more thoroughly defined. In paragraph five I would combine the sentences "The second odor he welcomes openly. There is something pure about it." In my opinion it would read smoother if they were one. In paragraph six, I love the image of him gagging on the metallic taint, very nice. The sentences afterwords though seemed a little pointless. The reader would know this action would not be graceful and I feel you're description of the character of not caring would be best be served by example. Possibly combinbing the two ideas so he makes and unpleasant face, not caring that anyone is around. It just seems awfully long as is. In paragraph eight. "Had he even blinked, then there would be no knew thoughts to be processed, but now it is too late for that." the "knew" should be "new." Paragraph nine. "giving no real thought to anything but letting his mind take over" I believe I understand what you're saying here, but I think maybe you should rethink the wording. Thought and mind are rather synonymous.. Did you mean instinct instead of mind? I absolutely love the last paragraph. I think "Something sharp." works well. It really defines it quite well. What I really like is how you return to the begining of the story, for some reason that gives it a sense of closure or movement. Don't take all my comments too harshly, I really did enjoy this piece, and I think you write quite well. The tone was wonderful except for one paragraph I mentioned (the one with the peanut butter on the roof of the mouth) it flowed and kept that tone. I'm definetly interested in where you'll take this one. I enjoyed the read greatly "A hard, cold wisom is required for goodness to accomplish good. Goodness without wisdom always accomplishes evil" - Robert Heinlein [This message has been edited by Dusk Treader (01-28-2002 10:55 PM).] |
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