»
Main Forums
»
Passions in Prose
»
Untitled and really need some opinions
| Passions in Prose |
|
Untitled and really need some opinions |
|
|
alibaster Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 299In my own private hell...(PA). 
|
{Never have posted here and I know that this is long, but is the first chapter to a book that I started to write and I would appriciate some opinions from those here.} Studying her closely Stephan flashed his gentlemanly smile and said that he did not continuing with, ?Lovely quarters you have M? Lady Trissa. It is so grand and rich with warmth and beautifully enticing furnishings to say the least. You neither are from here I take it?? She leaned forward a bit taking the cloth covering from atop a large bowel that also sat on the tea table and revealed that it was full of sugared biscuits. Smiling she tipped the bowel slightly in Stephan?s direction to offer him one as she attempted to hid the surprise of the find in the bowel from his noticing. She also observed that the tea creamer and sugar cup had been freshly filled, this too set her back a bit for she never took sugar or cream in her tea and Alister knew that. Her thoughts swirled momentarily around Alister and how he managed to do certain things when there was no way for him to possibly know of such things ahead of time. She shook her head as she stood to gather the hot kettle of water for the teapot. Upon return to the table she opened the teapot and filled it with hot water from the kettle then placed the tea steeper of loose mint tea leaves down inside the teapot and closed the lid tight. Looking up at Stephan she said, ?No, I am not from here. I did not think that it was that noticeable though,? then she let out a soft chuckle. Stephan too chuckled a bit knowing that she understood if one paid enough attention they would know she was not from the low side of town. He picked up the teapot and poured them both a cup full of tea inhaling the fresh scent of mint. Placing the teapot back on the gold tray he then proceeded to add a small amount of cream and just a dab of sugar to his cup then offered them to Trissa. With a small wave of her hand she surpassed the offering as she raised her cup to him then sipped slowly. Trissa had watched Stephan add the cream and sugar but it did not register until she sipped her tea that Alister had placed exactly what Stephan needed for his tea on the tea tray, long before he and Trissa had ever came to her quarters. An eerie feeling crept up inside her yet the feeling was not of fright or concern more so of wonderment and contentment. They sat in silence and drank their tea only catching the other watching the other at different times. Mint tea, how she loved it relaxing qualities and she wondered if Alister too drank it. The minutes ticked away into an hour as she waited for Stephan to grow tired as all of the men did that she brought back with her for tea. Just as the clock chimed quietly announcing the hour of one am Stephan raised his hand to cover his mouth from the yawn that would have otherwise rudely escaped. Trissa motioned towards the bed as she stood and pulled the warm bed covering back. ?Not to worry. You may rest here with me if you like. I do mean it is so late an hour now there is really no need to have to hail a carriage and driver from his rest,? she offered what seemed to her a lame explanation though Stephan took it gracefully and willingly. Stephan lowered his strong form down into her large down filled bed with a soft sigh and small smile of appreciation. She pulled the covers up over top of him and watched from a small stool near the bedside as he drifted off to a quiet slumber. Her thoughts turned wildly inside her head as her hands began to tremble and the shivers took over her body while she waited to make sure that he was sound asleep. With his breaths evenly escaping his lungs her eyes shifted towards the beat of his heart from under his shirt where she had pulled the bedding back just enough to study the rhythm at her leisure. She was always amazed when studying their heartbeats for all were different no matter what a physician said; no two beat at exactly the same time nor did any two beat with exactly the same rhythm or strength. Now as she sat perfectly still attempting to control her own breath the shivers increased and she wondered if Alister could hear her breathing from below in his quarters. What would he think of her and would he still treat her in the same loving way that he did now? Reaching her pale hand towards Stephan?s face she brushed her fingers gently against his forehead in an apologetic manner. There are times she despised herself, her ways, and her needs; times when she would give any thing to change her existence. She stroked Stephan?s cheek softly with the back of her hand as she let out a sigh that seemed to linger in the thick air. Unable to contain herself she lowered her hand to the hidden shelf of the bed stand as time seemed to stand completely still waiting for her to push it forward into motion. When she raised her hand once again to the beating heart of Stephan time bowed its ageless head and watched as Stephan?s eyes flew open and a howl straight from the pits of hell escaped his blood covered mouth as he attempted to raise from the bed only to find that his wounds prevented him from doing so; weather from fear of seeing his own chest laid open wide before him, or from the wounds themselves. Proceeding with time at her command she devoured the entire being of the man by tearing at his chest with her perfectly formed canines and scalpel of silver and bone lapping the blood from his open chest and neck. As his hands flailed in the air the blood made sickening wet raindrop sounds as it flew from his fingertips and hit the walls, floor, lace and draperies that completely covered one of the bedsides. Inhuman sounds escaped from within her passive and dainty form as the blood ran thick to the floor and began to congeal in two large pools at the bedside while she continued her ritual. She wiped her bloodstained hand over her forehead, down her cheek and thru her tangled, soaking, and dripping hair as the final twitches of life faded from the mangled form that lay to waste in front of her. She leaned back and time seemed to once again take motion as her breath eased, trembles, and shivers subsided and she realized that once again she had left a mess for Alister. Sitting silently covered in blood while it dripped from her face and hair she thought of Alister. Had her heard the screams, smelled the fresh blood, and the sounds, yes, the sounds that she knew had come from somewhere deep within her? How angry she would be if she were Alister and was left to clean and cover for some awful blood hungry creature like herself. Trissa licked her hands clean, removed her blood soaked dress and shoes then padded to the rug in the middle of the room leaving bare foot prints in blood on the hardwood floor. She lay silent upon the floor wrapped in just the drying cloth left for her. Then she laid her head to the floor as she slowed her breath to be able to listen better, listen for Alisters breath thru the floor. She listened as her eyes closed and slumber wrapped its comforting arms around her rocking her gently off to a peaceful land. Her final waking thought was of hearing Alister?s footsteps somewhere not far off. Then she slept. Rain hit the windows with comforting sounds as she awoke with a refreshed sense about herself. She rose from the floor as she covered her mouth to stifle her yawn as she stretched arching her back. She opened the door quietly retrieving two buckets of hot water from the hall, poured them into the claw footed tub, placed them back in the hall and repeated the processes with the last two buckets. They would be gone when she had finished bathing just as she knew that the fireplace would be lit, tea would already be steeped and waiting in the teapot, and her stained clothing be no where in sight. She smiled to herself as she thought of Alister silently bringing the bucket of hot water and taking away the empty. She added the fresh lavender oil that set on the wash stand to the water then dropped the soiled drying cloth to the floor and climbed into the tub, washed away all traces of her hunger then lay her head back on the tub and relaxed before she grabbed the clean drying cloth from the wash stand, left the tub and wrapped herself in the cloth. Finding a velvet and silk dress of deep blue with white lace edging she got herself dressed, combed her hair until it shone and laid it atop of her head in a loose bun fastened with a blue silk ribbon and bone hairpin. Her teapot was steaming and the sweet scent of mint filled the air as she sat in her favorite green velvet chair facing the door as Alister smiled warmly and poured a cup for her then handed her a simple slice of plain bread, just as she liked. Trissa smiled back at him and for the first time motioned for him to join her as asked, ?Dear, Alister, would you care to join me in a cup of tea? I would be most honored.? Alister?s eyes flashed a bit of shock as he raised them to meet hers and he nodded slightly pushing his waves of brown locks back from his face. ?I would love too, M? Lady Trissa. She smiled with a nod as she reached across the table as he rested his hand down she laid her hand gently down atop of his then patted it gently before resting it back in her lap. They drank their tea in silence oblivious to the mess that lay about the bed and floor as if this were any other morning and any other shared pot of tea. When she had finished her tea and bread she rose slowly as did Alister. Turning towards the door he laid her cloak over her shoulders and tied the ties. Feeling his breath on her cheek she shudder slightly and inhaled the sweet smell of mint. She laid her hand on his cheek smiling softly as he leaned into her touch then retreating as though he had done some thing forbidden. With one last smile she said, ?I must be off to my home for the week dear Alister. I do so hope that your time goes well and that I have not left too much of a mess. I shall miss you until next Friday.? Alister opened the door for her with a gentle smile tinged with a bit of sadness and stated, ?I shall see you this Friday Trissa and do not worry so of the mess you know that it will be cleaned and not a spot will remain. Until Friday, M? Lady.? She stepped out the door wishing she could turn around and talk to him about any thing, but what would she say to the one man who was perfect; whom she knew yet knew nothing about. To the man that cleaned after her, cared for her, protected her, knew all of her secrets and aided in mysterious ways that she could not begin to explain or understand? After all, he was the man that fascinated her in every way. Trissa walked out of the inn pulling her hood over her head and wrapping her cloak tightly around herself. She turned off of Monroe Lane onto Trench, and then took the walking bridge to Aberdeen Lane. Her steps were slow and heavy with regret as she reached her stoop and sighed for already she missed Alister and Friday would not come soon enough to satisfy her hunger for him or the blood. "There is an alter ego which dwells within every soul." (C)alibaster 1999-2001 "Sleep those little slices of death, how I loathe them." Edgar Allan [This message has been edited by alibaster (edited 08-28-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 †The Divine Sinner† - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I do not mind that this is a long post, but what I do have a problem with is your punctuation. That was the first thing I noticed, and before taking more of your time, I would like to say, please go back and edit this, or ask a moderator for help, by giving them a revised edition with corrected punctuation, and I will be glad to come back and read it again. I'm not being cruel. If you had turned this in to an editor, I do believe they would have said the same thing. However, some of the lines of the story I started to read have promise, so please correct this, and I will be QUITE glad to come back and read it again. Thanks! |
||
|
alibaster Member
since 2001-07-07
Posts 299In my own private hell...(PA). |
Ohh, my, I see that when I copied and pasted from microsoft word it made rather a mess of what I had written, I apologize. I will recopy and edit this to make the puncuations right. Sorry again... Thanks, ali "There is an alter ego which dwells within every soul." (C)alibaster 1999-2001 "Sleep those little slices of death, how I loathe them." Edgar Allan [This message has been edited by alibaster (edited 08-28-2001).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
