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Father's Imprints
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Father's Imprints |
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angelbear Member
since 2001-05-22
Posts 139North East, USA |
It is time to go. I know this but cannot seem to leave, to allow myself this strange goodbye. In front of me, dressed in white sheets that fall like a tent over his shriveled body, lies my Father. This is what is left of the man who takes credit for raising me. This is the man who went 3,000 miles away when I was twelve, the man I spent years wishing would have left much sooner. The man with whiskey breath, delusions of grandeur, and wandering hands. This was my father. And this was not my Father. The Father I remembered did not know weakness or pain, he only knew how to create fear. He knew manipulation too, he was a master in that area. The Father I knew sat me down when I was seven and told me if he ever dies I would be so distraught I would kill myself. "All daughters do that for their Daddies". Now, I stand at his bedside. The plane is leaving soon and we have to go. He only has hours left to live; we all know this. We all stare at him. We privately wish and fear his death, we privately tell ourselves we should feel deep sorrow for this man laying in his own rotten sheets, this half soul half body. We do not speak, but we stare. I stare the longest, after all, I am the oldest. He is a little old man now, but I see him pulling my arms and throwing me into the closet for the sin of "sassing back", I feel the weight of his thick nicotine fingers grasping at my chest when buds were first forming, I smell his whiskey breath in my ear as I lay next to him in his bed, afraid to leave and wake him; more afraid to stay. I cannot cry for my Father. For the rest of my life this fact haunts me. I watch his decaying body and I cannot cry for him. And so forever his deathbed image stays with me and forever conflicts with the Father who I never really had. I can't control my destiny I trust my soul, my only goal is just to "be" -Lyrics from RENT [This message has been edited by angelbear (edited 06-03-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Cryan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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zzz Member
since 2001-06-06
Posts 55 |
i feel for you! so much pain and anger. this might sound mad but you need to forgive him .if you dont let go you cant move on. he will still be in control even after death. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
This is very tragic...you weave a good tale with this...I look forward to reading more from you. |
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autumn Junior Member
since 2001-06-08
Posts 44Maine |
How very sad to have so many unhappy memories of your Dad. I hope that by writing about them you can leave them in the past so they will not haunt your future. Hoping for happier days for you. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Geez! This was very powerful. I cannot blame you for being unable to cry for your father. This was quite impressive. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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angelbear Member
since 2001-05-22
Posts 139North East, USA |
Just want to thank you all for replying to this topic. zzz...Yes, this was a bit more than losly based on reality. But I understand your point about forgiveness. This happened years ago..and it is only now I can write about it. I positive step...towards forgiveness in many ways.  fractal007, Thanks so much. It is nice that you can understand the difficulty and conflicting feelings I have tried to express. Again,,,thanks so much for the replies!  Autum, Yes you are so correct about witing some memories down helping me move on. I am far from where I was emotially when all of this happened. That's why I am now able to write about it. Thaks for reading! Poet Devine..thanks so much for the feedback. It means a lot coming from you.  I can't control |
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