navwin » Main Forums » Passions in Prose » Inspiring the Lost - Part Four: Path to Leading
Passions in Prose
Post A Reply Post New Topic Inspiring the Lost - Part Four: Path to Leading Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

0 posted 2001-05-07 08:18 AM


Part One: /pip/Forum15/HTML/001049.html  

Part Two: /pip/Forum15/HTML/001061.html  

Part Three: /pip/Forum15/HTML/001087.html




Inspiring the Lost – Part Four: Path to Leading
©2001 C.G. Ward


Idly fingering his new sword, Bran surveyed Leafwood from behind the cover of the forest. Tucked back in the deep greens, he and the other two were able to blend seamlessly with the night. He tested the breeze again, making sure he was downwind from the group of monsters that held his interest. He wasn’t sure how keen their sense of smell was, but if the size of their noses was any indication, then he didn’t want to be upwind from them.

The townsmen had of course chosen to attack.

They realized they had to fight for their families. When Jonathan and Sandren had returned, all mustered together to hear the plan. Bran had listened with half an ear, being distracted by numerous requests to pass on messages to the families of the men who decided to stay with Jonathan and his father. Bran did his best to memorize the messages, but in the end had to fend off the men for fear of forgetting his father’s words.

He’d watched with a mixture of angst and pride as Nessan had gathered his “squad” around him and gave more detailed instructions. Bran, Calwin and Big Johnny were told to wait until the others disappeared into the clearing and the first sounds of battle had begun.

With a terse nod at Bran, Nessan had disappeared after Jonathan into the brush. The sound of conflict, when it began, was something Bran didn’t think he would ever forget. Trying to focus on the dark paths in front of him, he had done his best to ignore the screams and yells, the clashing and splashing. His mind raced a dizzy wave of imagining as he’d plunged deeper and deeper into the forest between death and home.

The quick retreat had turned into a feared-filled run as the three chased hope away with fear at their backs. They had arrived in Leafwood winded, with terror burned out of their lungs by the forest’s balming presence… and the sight of home.

But now in Leafwood, the fear returned, riding high on apprehension and disgust. Tall and gangly, putrid and sloppy, the large-nosed creatures lounged near the buildings on the outside edges of Leafwood. Their greenish skin was similar to the goblins’, but possessed of a more liquid quality as if they were creatures better suited to murky swamps than solid ground. Fecund sprouts of plant life encouraged this idea by trailing from appendages like wisps of matted hair.

Bran looked to his companions, hoping for some input; some form of leadership to evince itself. But the shock in their faces registered clearly that they would look to him – perhaps as the son of the nominal town leader… – for any direction he was able or willing to give them. He embraced the sudden pressure in a wash of vertigo and uncertainty. It was neither his desire nor inclination to attempt to lead anyone. Half the time he didn’t know what he was doing, much less what others should be about.

But the more he searched their faces, the less comfortable he was about leaving them without some form of help. He warred with his conscience for a moment before coming to an abrupt decision.

Pantomiming a retreat into the foliage behind them, Bran swept silently into the forest surrounding the town. He only glanced back once to assure himself that the others were following. A good distance away, Bran stopped at the upturned roots of a giant oak. Waiting for Calwin and Johnny, he studied the depths of the once familiar forest. He remembered with a slight smile all the times he’d run through the forest, playing hide and seek, tag and the likes. He thought of his desires to ask Mina to accompany him on a romantic stroll to the pond (something he’d as of yet been unable to work up the nerve to assay).

And now… Now the forest was dark and foreboding. Unnatural echoes hung on the night’s darkness like a prophecy of terror filling the pages of his life’s story. Everywhere he looked he saw the future bathed in bleak tones of the events he’d witnessed today. And he knew deep inside, that no matter the outcome, little good would spring from the Legion’s appearance.

A sudden, yet deep anger began to rise inside his bones. It permeated the muscles and rumbled in his bowels. To his senses it felt like a threat; a promise. If he did nothing else, he would find a way to repay the demons of the Legion for their trespass.

Pushing the rage down so it wouldn’t show in the way his lips snarled; animalistic, he faced the young men who were waiting anxiously for him to tell them what to do. He found, facing their scared faces, that he could do it now, could lead. Though it upset him in a way the monsters were unable to, the anger also brought an amount of focused control he’d never experienced before. He found it liberating at the same time he found himself struggling to control it.

A plan was already formulating in his mind, but as he stared at the two across from him, he began to have doubts. In order for it to be of any good, he would have to rely on them. With a sigh that echoed from beyond his years, Bran detailed his thoughts as quickly and concisely as he could. He wanted no room for doubts. Perhaps later he would assay it, but right now they were not out to change the face of the world.

For Calwin: simple instructions to return in the direction they’d so recently come from, and to report to Nessan and Jonathan – assuming both were still alive – of the town’s infestation. It took no small amount of convincing to send Calwin on his way. Understandably, he was wary of the reception should the townsmen have lost the battle. Bran put across to the scared young man in no uncertain terms that if the battle had been lost there, then the rest of the town was doomed as well. It didn’t comfort the boy, but sped him on his way regardless, lest he hear more dreadful news.

Left alone with Johnny, Bran’s earlier thoughts of speeding through the town stealthily vanished. While not the largest man he’d ever seen, Johnny didn’t fall too far short. And by the way he trampled through the brush, it was lucky they hadn’t already been discovered. No, stealth was not an option as long as Johnny was with him.

For the briefest of moments, Bran toyed with the idea of leaving the large young man to fend for himself. But it was only a passing fancy, and one he didn’t pride himself on having at that. So, adjusting his plans automatically, and quite unconsciously, Bran settled on a different idea – one utilizing the boy’s size.

A few minutes later found the two of them once again at the edge of the clearing. Bran had run a quick scout around the closest perimeter of the town and discovered with relief that the creatures were spread out considerably. That would make their task that much easier.

Their first task, of course, was to get to his mother. She needed to be made aware of the men’s foray, so she could mount the best defense possible. In Nessan’s absence, the people would turn to her for leadership. After that, Bran didn’t know. He was hoping that his mother would provide some ideas.

It was his plan, which included causing as much trouble for the invaders as possible on their way into town.

With that thought in mind, he signaled to Johnny. The large young man burst out of the clearing with a barely audible grunt of effort. Hunched over almost double and covered entirely with dirt and scrub, Johnny looked more like a monster than the real ones guarding the town. He waddled toward the monster slowly, making sure to appear as un-intimidating as possible.

For a moment Bran thought it would work. The creature paused when it saw the strange sight appear as if from nowhere from the brush. It regarded Johnny intently, which was just what Bran had hoped. And as the creature seemed about to cry out an alarm, Bran, unseen due to the distraction, brought his sword down on the creature from behind.

He noted distantly as he gestured Johnny to follow him, that he wasn’t quite as upset about this one as he had been about the goblins earlier. Perhaps, he mused as they raced through the dark alley behind the main street. I’m getting used to killing. It’s not as if they’re human after all…

It was a good thing that Johnny couldn’t see Bran’s expression at the moment. It was as dark and dangerous as the nighttime itself had become. It would have scared the poor, simple boy right out of the uncommon stealth he was managing.

Apparently the look was still plastered on his face when he burst through the back door of his house. His mother, startled by the noise, put a hand over her mouth and an arm around Karen when she saw his expression. She relaxed a moment later as Bran’s appearance relaxed as well. For the moment at least, he was safe.

Instinctively he began changing his plans as he noticed the house was full of people. He heard Johnny sigh and move toward the far end of the room toward his family. It looked like half the town was here, and sounded like the other half was in the main room that met at the front.

He nodded to himself and moved to hug his mother. In the relief of the moment, he forgot to cry. Separating from his mother, he grabbed his sister for a hug – something that was scarce between the two. Sensing the solemnity of the situation, she hugged him back just as tightly.


[This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 05-08-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved
Elizabeth Cor
Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879
Over the river and through the woods
1 posted 2001-05-07 06:13 PM


I didn't actually read this, I just thought your picture was pretty hot.

NICE tongue.

[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (edited 05-07-2001).]

Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
2 posted 2001-05-08 09:08 AM


Go home and bother your boyfriend. Leave me be.  
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
3 posted 2001-05-08 09:59 AM


This is very good..but-where's the interaction, the dialogue....I guess I expect there to be some communication. Instead of telling me that Bran told them this or said that...why not let me read it? I'm not being critical..just stating an opinion. Perhaps I need to read more novels of this genre to determine if this is the way they are written.

But the story line is great - we really want to know what happens!!!  

Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187
St. Paul, MN
4 posted 2001-05-08 09:48 PM


This is going to be a long tale isn't it? I really wish that I could read it all at once... is your middle name Jordan? or Robert? LOL Seriously though, excellent piece of writing. It has a very comfortable town which I like... Waiting for the next one.. what a place to end it...

"There's nowhere to set my aim
So I'm everywhere" - Dream Theater

Nicole
Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835
Florida
5 posted 2001-05-10 02:01 PM


Circle Thought?  Heh - that was kinda funny.

Okay...

"Idly fingering his new sword, Bran surveyed Leafwood from behind the cover of the forest."

Idly?  Since when does Bran idly finger a sword?  When did he become calm and cool enough to warrant such a ho-hum'ish word?  The last I remember Bran was trying to deal with gobbets of gore at the end of a club that he aquired in part two.  Where did he get the sword?  Were they carrying extras just in case?

"The townsmen had of course chosen to attack."

Dunno what it is about this one, other than the placement of it is awkward.  Almost like you're stating the obvious by having that line just stand out by itself.

"The quick retreat had  turned into a feared-filled run as the three chased hope away with fear at their backs."

Huh? ...  'feared-filled'  This sentence, and the one following are just on that line of too "TOO", if you know what I mean.  Kinda melodramatic.

"Bran looked to his companions, hoping for some input; some form of leadership to evince itself. But the shock in their faces registered clearly that they would look to him – perhaps as the son of the nominal town leader… – for any direction he was able or willing to give them. He embraced the sudden pressure in a wash of vertigo and uncertainty. It was neither his desire nor inclination to attempt to lead anyone. Half the time he didn’t know what he was doing, much less what others should be about."

Between 'leader' and 'for', you have an ellipsis and a dash/hyphen/whatever.  Just pick one.  I'd go with the dash/hyphen/whatever, because that's what you have earlier in the sentence.

"Pantomiming a retreat into the foliage behind them, Bran swept silently into the forest surrounding the town. He only glanced back once to assure himself that the others were following. A good distance away, Bran stopped at the upturned roots of a giant oak. Waiting for Calwin and Johnny, he studied the depths of the once familiar forest. He remembered with a slight smile all the times he’d run through the forest, playing hide and seek, tag and the likes. He thought of his desires to ask Mina to accompany him on a romantic stroll to the pond (something he’d as of yet been unable to work up the nerve to assay)."

What's with Mina?  Are you going to introduce her later on, maybe?  I remember thinking, while reading part three, that the mention of Mina was a tad out of place.  So, when she gets brought up...yet again, here...I just laughed and honestly thought to myself "What a short attention span!"  I mean, come on...the Legion is on the brink of destroying everything he knows.  The little bit of reminiscing at the end of the paragraph is supposed to make the following paragraph seem that much more bleak and terrible. I think though that given the situation, Bran's memories are too 'light'.  He's remembering with "a slight smile" - I think something more cynical would work better here.  You've stated that you want Bran's character to sound like he's growing up - and cynicism is definitely a sign of that.    (with me anyway!)  Also, looking again at his situation...if it were me there, I don't think anything could have made me smile.

"A sudden, yet deep anger began to rise inside his bones. It permeated the muscles and rumbled in his bowels."

*shudder*  Rumbled in his bowels?  His bowels, Christopher?  Rumbled?  Gross.

"He found it liberating at the same time he found himself struggling to control it."

Need something here.  Like a ",and" between "liberating" and "at".

"For the briefest of moments, Bran toyed with the idea of leaving the large young man to fend for himself. But it was only a passing fancy, and one he didn’t pride himself on having at that. So, adjusting his plans automatically, and quite unconsciously, Bran settled on a different idea – one utilizing the boy’s size."

Okay, two things with this paragraph.  I'll start with the more "obscure" of the two:

The very last sentence.  "...his plans automatically, and quite unconsciously,..."  I'm pretty sure that the first time I read it, I read it in a way you didn't intend.  All this time, with part four, it's been a commentary on the inside of Bran's conscious thought.  So, given that - how can he conciously know that he's unconsiously changing his plans?

Also in the last sentence; "one utilizing the boy's size."  Up until this point, Johnny is described as not only being considerably large - but he's also depicted as either a "man" or "young man".  It creates an image - and then you throw the word "boy" in there.  Skews it all akimbo.  I think it should be either versions of man OR boy, but not both.

"A few minutes later found the two of them once again at the edge of the clearing."

Wait a minute.  They started out at the edge of the clearing??  Last I read, they were back in the forest - Calwin was running back in the direction they had come, and Bran was trying to think of a plan. Are you referring to when they FIRST came into Leafwood (when you say 'once again') and found the gooey-monsters? So, did Johnny work his way out of the forest and back into the clearing while Bran scouted around?  I need to be "told" what happened.

"It was his plan, which included causing as much trouble for the invaders as possible on their way into town."

Huh?  Awkward and incomplete.

"For a moment Bran thought it would work."

Ummm - it DID work.  That's what the rest of the paragraph describes anyway.  This sentence gives the impression that he wants it to work, and it ended up not working at all.

"Perhaps, he mused as they raced through the dark alley behind the main street.  I'm getting used to killing.  It's not as if they're human after all..."

Christopher (I almost used your middle name! I only do that when my kids are in trouble.   ) - what on earth is this?  I think the actual thoughts should be in italics, and I think the punctuation (specifically, THAT period - you know which one I'm talking about) needs to be fixed.

"It would have scared the poor, simple boy right out of the uncommon stealth he was managing."

Again, boy or man?


Well, that's all the nit-picking I have to do.  I really liked how you worked the gooey-monsters in at Leafwood when Bran and the other two first got there.  Gives the heart a nice little sink - like an "oh, great - what now?" kind of feeling.  Cool twist!  As ever, I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next.  

BOL
Nic

Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
6 posted 2001-05-13 06:39 AM


yawp - long. With what I've written since it's crossed the line between short story and novella. Hopefully it won't reach the point of novel! (40,000 words!  )

Thankn you all for your comments and critiques. You know they're the lifeblood of someone like me who can't seem to see past the dangling adjectifiers and the groaning pronouns...

Seriously, I promise a work replete with changes inspired by these critiques when all is said and done. My plan is free distribution on web page, doc file and txt files. Thanks all.

C

Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
7 posted 2001-05-13 06:40 AM


oh - and Nic: Yes, you meet Mina in the next part actually.
Nicole
Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835
Florida
8 posted 2001-05-14 12:39 PM


Tch - Tch

Hmmm...now I'm thinking.  I'd like to see the mention of her less predictable then, just not sure how, cause so far...any mention has seemed SO out of place.  Like the only logical answer is because she's going to be introduced?  Yanno?

obscurity of cloud
Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 294
....:::::******:::::....
9 posted 2001-05-14 09:25 PM


Oh my goodness, this is so complicated.  I am in awe at the complexity of your development with this series...i just spent the past half hour going over the others.  This is truly amazing; what you have done with your subject is incredible and spellbinding!

"so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Main Forums » Passions in Prose » Inspiring the Lost - Part Four: Path to Leading

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary