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Jenabou
Member
since 2000-06-13
Posts 215
Oklahoma/Nova Scotia Canada/USA

0 posted 2002-01-31 05:46 PM


This is an assignmeant for my AP english class,we read "Abandoned Farmhouse"by Ted Kosser and had to re-word it so it fit us...any suggestions and help would be greatly appreciated! thanks  
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She was a heart broken girl,says the tear stained pillows strewn carelessly upon an un-made bed;A lonely girl too,says the pictures on the walls of friends from long ago; and a girl who misses her home,thats now under a blanket of snow sparkling in the sun.
But not a girl for Oklahoma,says her funny accent and pasty white complexion

A boy broke her dreams says the torn up letters that litter her floor, and her thoughts surround the life she once knew, and she expresses herself on paper,says the notebooks  of poems that fill her shelves.
Saving for her journey,says the frog bank crammed with coins and bills on the blue milk crate.And her heart is cold say the shades of blue eye shadows on her dresser.

She's a girl who despratly needs love,but no longer believes in it say the songs on her CDs.
All she needed was love says the little hearts carelessly drawn on her paper. Her accent says she's not Oklahoman the money in her bank says shes got other plans,And the torn letters? She'll never pick them up,she wants the memories to live,forever,in her broken heart.
All she needed was love, they say

*for someone who's used to heartache,losing it all was just a matter of time*
Be kind,for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle

[This message has been edited by Jenabou (01-31-2002 06:14 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Jenna-Nicole Boutilier - All Rights Reserved
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

1 posted 2002-02-01 04:30 PM


Jen...I hate to see a cry for help go unanswered, but I think we all hesitate because we are not quite sure what you are asking. I guess, what I'm saying is that assignments are to show what YOU can do...it's your teacher's job and hopefully your teacher's passion to help you. Good luck to you...and by the way, I'm rather envious, it's an interesting and challenging assignment!
Bec
Member
since 2001-02-23
Posts 475
Canberra
2 posted 2002-02-02 09:52 PM


Jenabou...

Like serenity said, I'm not quite sure what help you want, but I'll give it a go...

The tense confuses me a little. As I read through it, I thought maybe the girl was gone, or had died, especially the first line "She was a heart broken girl". But when I got towards the end, to the line "She'll never pick them up,she wants the memories to live,forever,in her broken heart." I thought maybe she wasn't.

If you're going to use present tense, you need to alter some of the words that are used. "She was a heart broken girl, says the tear stained pillows", the "was" should be "is". Unless of course you mean that she is no longer a heart broken girl, then what you've got is fine.

I think couple of the "says" need to be changed. when you're talking about objects in plural, you should use "say" ie "She is a broken hearted girl, say the tear stained pillows".

But it's a beautiful piece of prose, in some ways it reminds me of me.

Hope I've helped. Just remember, it's only a little bit of advice, it's up to you if you take it. Good luck with it, and I would love to see the finished piece if you change it at all.

Bec

"Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is to go where they can find you."
-Winnie-the-Pooh

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