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The Weight of a Word (For Krystal) [sonnet]
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Weight of a Word (For Krystal) [sonnet] |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
They said to me Krystal was dead, And as the phone fell from my hand, Our only kiss ran through my head. I shoved a friend away, took my gold band And threw our pastime love and it away As she asked me softly what was so wrong. "If only I knew...When I do, I'll say," I said, fragmented by a closing dawn In this sad life without a pure, good girl Who never did a goddamned thing to me While I did ev'rything I could to her To make her break slowly and tearfully. Last night, on a slick road, she was broken, And it brought back ev'ry word I'd spoken. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Greg Butler - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Well WS I very nearly didn't look at this, I really didn't think you'd stoop to it  .... As it is it's a lovely simple sad story written, I guess, from the heart .. Thanks Philip PS Krystal is a beautiful name |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
It's just the first draft, but...I was so proud of it...thought I'd drag it out and see what y'all thought of it. See ya. Wordshaman |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
wordshaman-- awesome content here, very powerful, getting more engrossing with each line. the meter, of course, is uneven, with a whole bunch of lines with four beats, some with five, and varying iambic, trochaic, and anapestic feet (god those words are awful) throughout... is this a bit of flexibility, a breath of fresh poetic air for the otherwise stale iambic pentameter, or a distracting inattention to meter? you're the poet, you make the call, lol. what were you shooting for here? regardless, any metrical problems the piece may or may not have do not take away from its emotional power. well done! jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 01-27-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Words, I wholeheartedly agree with Jenni, and will not comment on the question of the technicalities of the sonnet. I have only now written my first one without any screw-ups. If you're anything like me (stubborn, willful, perfectionistic), you'll keep at it till you feel you have it right. All I had ever written was free verse, and complained to teach that I hated the "structured cage" of the sonnet. I still do, but I still keep trying to write a good one. Nice work ... a very emotional piece. warmhrt |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Well, whipping out my ol' poetic dictionary, I noted that a sonnet was supposed to be fourteen lines of iambic pentameter. I'm an anarchist when it comes to form. So, it's all done in the amount of syllables that total what would be iambic pentameter (10), but mixing it with iambic, trochaic, and all the rest of the technical terms that I've never bothered to learn. Take from that what you will. (Meaning, "He might be a fool, but he could be a genius, too. Just depends on how we want to see him.") Wordshaman [This message has been edited by Wordshaman (edited 01-27-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
this is all done in pentameter? what about: "They said to me Krystal was dead" they SAID to ME KRYS-tal was DEAD or: "Our only kiss ran through my head" our ON-ly KISS ran THROUGH my HEAD am i missing something here? jenni |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Um...****. LOL. A. Why did you check? B. Why did you fervently check it so quickly? C. Can't a guy get a break? Yup folks...Wordshaman ain't a math guy. Da's why he stay away fumb dis kin'a crap. 'Cause I sho' can't count. Wordshaman (Math's Worstshaman) |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I can't believe this is a first draft. To me, it seems solid and ready for the press. Its really rich, and i'm sitting here wondering if this actually happened, or if its a character study. Obviously its none of my business, but on either count it holds strongly. Great stuff. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ws Take it from me this is a sonnet (or so my book says) and a good one at that. My book also says that the application of classical measurements to English is inappropriate and that a simple stress based system is more relevant. (I can see jim and jenni sharpening their keyboards even as I speak ). Y'know, when i read this last night i was so caught up in the story, the flow and the beauty of the piece that it never crossed my mind that it didn't conform to some "archaic" model ..lol. I agree with warmhrt and jenni about the emotional power, you are rightly proud i think ... Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WS: I'm not going to slice and dice the technical aspects of this sonnet (as everyone, no doubt, expects). For a first draft (of a first sonnet?) I think this was remarkably well done. I can only echo what some have previously said regarding the depth of feeling. A few things to consider for your next one (heh-heh). Consider enjambing your lines (ending or pausing sentences and phrases mid-line so that your rhymes occur in the middle portions of your sentences. This is a challenge to accomplish but it ends up making your poem a more interesting read. Just a thought. You are not an anarchist when it comes to form, by the way (there ARE reasons for you writing the way you write), you are a deconstructionist. Seriously, if you are proud of this it means you put some thought and work into this and I hope an appreciation for the challenge accompanied the pride that writing this caused. You really did do a nice job with this.Philip brings up a thoroughly debated topic that I hear from time to time up here in my Ivory Tower lookout. I think, ideally, structured verse should have both sound structure AND depth of feeling. But I think that all structure and no depth is more like eating dry cornflakes than reading good poetry. So if I HAD to choose between perfect structure and depth of feeling, I would choose depth of feeling every day of the week. But I would still prefer to see both. Thanks for trying this and thanks for the read. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well WS, It looks like I'm late getting in here again (as usual). So I guess there's nothing for me to add as most of it has already been said. But I do want to add my congratulations on your first sonnet. Yes, I personally think it is a sonnet although not strict iambic pentameter. I have taken a fair amount of guff for writing such meter and calling it a sonnet but, hang in there and do what you want. BTW, I almost forgot to mention that the emotion of the piece was, as the others have said, quite powerful. Thanks for writing and thanks for making it a sonnet.  Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hummphhh what's wrong with you today Bouder did I not tie the fly right? Maybe the cast was too clumsy? heh heh P PS are you feeling ok? |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
this (i thought at the time was good for a non-trad form of "sonnet")..... and jim never did rise to the bait ... ~sigh~ ..guess his age is sucking the fun outta him ~~~~~~~~~~ i hope all these were of help libbi - as well as being quite entertaining ...lol |
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