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Firstborn - A Sonnet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Firstborn - A Sonnet |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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The moisture formed in wells beneath my eyes, As I looked down upon her tiny face, She'd come right at the time of the sun rise, And now I held her in my close embrace, I'd loved her for so long before I knew, If she was "she", or possibly a boy. Now holding her I felt love pure and true, So strong it could not even be called joy, The feeling was so wondrous and so deep, Effused from ev'ry pore and filled the air, And as I fed her and she fell asleep, I told her that I always would be there. I did not know then what I'd spoken of, I do know now that it was "Mother Love". warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-31-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Warmhrt, A beautiful poem about a beautiful subject. But a couple of lines did make me stumble a little in reading. As you know, we seem to go out of our way to try to read these things as iambic. Your third line seems to read as she'd COME right AT the TIME of THE sun-RISE whereas natural speach wants it to be she'd COME right AT the TIME of the SUN-rise Then the 12th seems to read as i TOLD her THAT i WOULD al-WAYS be THERE which I just can't seem to flow through. Of course, this is just one opinion and, if you can help me read this, I am certainly open. Again, a beautiful poem about a beautiful subject. Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks Pete, but me help you? That's a laugh. I'm pretty new at this sonnet thing, and I don't even know why I keep trying to write them. They're a big pain in the a**.  warmhrt |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
WH .. Hi there i don't believe we've met before ... I'm Philip the "prissy pedantic Englishman" ~smile~ and btw that's Philip with one "l" and not "Phil" .... This poem had great intensity of feeling and veracity as one would expect given the subject matter, for that reason I would prefer not to critique in any depth. I would say however that I thought that the sonnet was a great choice of form and generally that you did a great job. I too stumbled over "I told her that I would always be there" .. I know it has something to do with the natural way in which the delivery of the syllables "that I would al" is speeded up in normal speech .. for some reason this disrupts the flow. I am not technician however, Jim will no doubt explain ... lol. The only other small criticism (and it is very small) might be the use of the phrase "oozed from every pore and filled the air" and particularly the word oozed. This inevitably reminds me of Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady (lol) .... i think the line goes something like "oozing charm from every pore he oiled his way across the floor". Additionally, oozing and filling the air conveys the idea of "smell" so much more than "feelings" that i wonder whether you aren't living a bit dangerously with that line. Just an opinion of course ... and thanks for the lovely read  ......Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WH: Thought you were done with these "pains in the a**" as you call them? You know you're a shameless addict. This is a beautiful poem and a beautiful subject. Believe it or not I can identify with the overwhelming love a parent feels for their newborn child (I was present at the birth of both of my little boys). If I were you, I would replace "It oozed" with a word like "Effused". The word "oozed" (1) drew quite a bit of attention to itself and (2) left me with a nagging feeling that it just didn't follow the "wond'rous" and "deep" feeling described in the preceding line. The meter problem in the "sunrise" line is easy enough to fix. You may, however, have to separate the compound "sunrise" into it's two originals "sun" and "rise" to preserve the iambic meter. Beautiful poem here Kris.< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-24-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
warmhrt-- i agree with pete completely, this is a beautiful piece on a beautiful subject. i also agree with him about the 'sunrise' line, and line 12. but i think that line (line 12) can easily be fixed by changing the order of two words, to this: I told her that I always would be there. (i TOLD her THAT i ALways WOULD be THERE) i also thought "oozing" was a little out of place, but that's just a personal preference of mine. very nice job overall, warmhrt. thanks for a special glimpse into a beautiful mother's heart. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 01-24-2000).] |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Warmhrt, I don't really have anything new to add...but I would like you to know that I thought the poem was very touching. Miracles of life always make beautiful subjects...and you do them justice with your writing. Hawk p.s.- I also think that "oozed" seems out of place...(just to add to the concensous ) |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Phil, Jim, Jenni, and Hawk, Thank you all so much for your help. I have revised it, using your suggestions, and it does seem so much better. Why is it that we don't always see these things when we write? Your criticisms seemed so obvious, yet I did not see them. Thank you again for the assist. Jimteach, I could not be addicted to them, as I do not have an addictive personality. I still don't know why I keep trying ... could it have anything to do with being a bit of a perfectionist, and quite competitive, and not knowing when to quit, even if I'm bad at it, and ... ? P.S. "Effused" was perfect ... thanks! warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-24-2000).] |
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