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Revelation to december
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Revelation to december |
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sean mani Junior Member
since 2001-08-06
Posts 27 |
Revelation To December If I was afraid of anything in this world, It would have been this fate predestined to me. I have prayed to Him many a time to spare me from this revelation, But it seems my words are merely forgotten. These tears falling down my eyes… I am lost in life and find it difficult to breathe. Am I a fool to wander hopelessly for meaning? I lye down with emptiness within, In this cold place with tears wiping these reminisces I have of my past… All the times when I felt insecure, my parents Hit me till I ran and locked the door. What a waste when I begged for mercy, only to have ended in more violence.. As I am retarded, I have been discarded. Why am I locked up in this dismal place you ask? Because I fell in love with my only friend. Aloof from society, day by day We only loved each other a little too more. We always laughed, as mad people were alike We always hugged, as mad people were alike We always cried, as we were all alike. I still wait in this sweet December awaiting her return… How many times have I begged please? No one answered me. Am I doomed to spend here for eternity? I have sometimes cried and laughed out of madness. Other days passed when I ate no food. They sometimes tied me in chains in this cold solitude place. Out of hysteria I sometimes hid in corners Only to be played by the callous wardens. I bled, bled and bled, My limbs twitching with pain. With this blood I painted the walls How much I have cried in and for December… Was fate jealous of us? Every night I cried in her arms I slept in her lap. Everything I could have, Was from her. One day, this was all gone. My mind filled with love and yet pain, It was all yet too much to bear. My parents hit me. Out of anger, fright, And paranoia, I retaliated. I hit the womb That gave birth to me. As I am mad, I was hit, captured and thrown Into a rehabilitation center. My love grabbed my hands. She cried with tears. I screamed back. She attacked the people in white. I grabbed my hair out of anger. I spread my hands To not let go the one person who I loved. I was being torn away from her. I struggled, struggled and struggled to get lose. She was dragged away from me. I cried, screamed and fell unconscious. The only words I remember before I fell Was that she would see me in December… Now as I lay dying waiting for many a December, The only thing she had forgotten to mention was when… |
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| © Copyright 2001 sean mani - All Rights Reserved | |||
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Sean, firstly I have to say that I am sorry to hear that your life is like this right now, if this poem is based in reality. Now to step back and look at this for a purely poetic point of view, firstly there are moments when you craft some great lines " In this cold place with tears wiping these reminisces I have of my past… Out of hysteria I sometimes hid in corners Only to be played by the callous wardens. " Out of anger, fright, And paranoia, I retaliated. I hit the womb That gave birth to me." The last part is especially powerful but " All the times when I felt insecure, my parents Hit me till I ran and locked the door. What a waste when I begged for mercy, only to have ended in more violence.. As I am retarded, I have been discarded." Then you tell instead of showing, and the last line, I know you were going for a rhyme But it is the only one in the poem and it seems out of place and forced. I think the poem is also too long, you could really sharpen it up, be merciless and cut some of those lines altogether. The first two verse could be half of their length, if you find the right images you will get the point across just the same and chances are it will stay with the reader a lot longer. In reading this the poem does seem very personal and the lines ache with raw emotion, it is a powerful read and I hope that writing it has helped heal your pain but I advise you to come back to the poem when you are able to detach yourself from your pain and just think about the structure and technical side of things. You have a great work in progress you just need to cut off a few jagged ends, don't worry editing the poem will not make it lose its emotion in fact it will make it more powerful. |
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