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Critical Analysis #1
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Stargazer
Junior Member
since 2000-01-21
Posts 16
Alvordton, OH USA

0 posted 2000-01-23 11:26 PM


Watch me
your eyes
are my rainbows
shining in my cloudy sky
after the rain
all the tears
are worth one look
so intent
so intense
like I am
the only thing you need

Hold me
your arms so strong
like vises
holding my love securely
as if your would die if it ever left
and I cannot let you die
so I breath
and smile against your shoulder

Kiss me
your lips like gloves
upon mine
fitting so well
and keeping me warm
making me feel safe

Love me
your love is all I need
and I can survive
but without it
I can only pine for you
and cry hollow tears
that fall on my pillow
like rain on a drum



 Stargazer


"I wish they would only take me as I am."
-Vincent Van Gogh

© Copyright 2000 Crystal Dawn Suydam - All Rights Reserved
Hawk183
Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130

1 posted 2000-01-24 06:09 PM


Stargazer,

You write of love so elequantly...
There is emotion here that is very touching.
The only thing I didn't care for was describing your tears as hollow...for I think that in times of loss, out tears hold weight...they pour from our crying hearts...
Maybe you could say ,

I can only pine for you
and cry unanswered tears...just a thought

I did really enjoy the poem though...thanks.

Hawk

Wendy Flora
Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182
Virginia
2 posted 2000-01-24 06:09 PM


I like!  Very nice use of right-margined text...   -wen

 "Well she wants to live her life,
then she thinks about her life...
Pulls her hair back as she screams,
I don't really want to live this life!"
-Train "Meet Virginia"

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