»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
My Beta Spends His Free Time Doing Laps and Dreaming of Becoming a Spider
»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
My Beta Spends His Free Time Doing Laps and Dreaming of Becoming a Spider
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
My Beta Spends His Free Time Doing Laps and Dreaming of Becoming a Spider |
|
|
Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
I know I've posted this in a couple other forums, but I wanted to get some critical opinions on this one to try and make it better.  -wen==================================================== There I was, Bobbing at the bottom of the bowl Some idle Tuesday (maybe Sunday … hell, what do I know?) I'd already done my rounds, Checked out the diver - Yep, still drowned . Checked out my treasure chest - Still there. The weird girl had dropped the food And bolted… Same ole, same ole. I started contemplating Taking a nap… Then I saw it! This thing, this beautiful thing! Peeked its head out from behind The Black Box. It was a beautiful black beauty A glistening ruby on its belly. I hung frozen behind the castle, Eyeing the creature as it extended each spindly stalk, Heading across the Flat Browness. It moved so gracefully, gliding more than anything else. O, that I moved with such dignity! I dart to and fro, not like this lovely thing. I moved right up to the Clear Hardness to peer at it. It reached the Tall Whiteness Extending one fin-stalk out to touch it The, wonder of wonders! It began moving up! Higher and higher it went, and I Floated up to the water's surface to watch. When it reached the Highest Tall Point, It began to do something… I don't know how to describe! A silvery strand began to descend from the thing It looked like a drop of water But it wasn't. The drop of water started Looking like a shape It was round like my bowl, But with lots of lines. It was beautiful! All shimmery and new. What I wouldn't give to be that creature! To be able to make… to create… Instead of just able To swim. |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Wendy Flora - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
wendy-- this a beautiful and charming piece! very well done! i wouldn't change a thing, except maybe the line "Floated up to the water's surface to watch" to simply "Floated up to the surface to watch"; you might even want to find a better word for "surface" here, using another fish-ism. other than that, it thought it was fantastic, and very creative. thanks for posting it here! jenni |
||
|
haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Wen...This is exceptionally creative (you know that though) What a unique perspective! My personal opinion would be to hone down some unnecessary language (offered with respect & regards ~always) "Tuesday (maybe Sunday … hell, what do I know?) Bobbing on the bottom of the bowl Done with rounds, The diver - Yep, still drowned . My treasure chest - Still there. The weird girl dropped food And bolted… Same ole, same ole. I started contemplating a nap… When I saw This thing, this beautiful thing! Peeking head from behind The Black Box. Black beauty glistening ruby on its belly. I hung behind the castle, Eyeing the creature as it extended each spindly stalk, Heading across Flat Browness. Gracefully, gliding O, that I moved with such dignity! instead of darting to and fro. I moved to Clear Hardness, peering as it reached Tall Whiteness; Extending one fin-stalk. Wonder of wonders! It began moving up! Higher and higher, as I floated, bubbling on water's break, watching. From Tall Point, Something… I don't know how to describe! A silvery strand in descent from the thing A drop of water, But not. The drop took shape, round like my bowl, in beautiful lines spun, shimmery and new. What I wouldn't give to be that creature, to make… to create… Instead of just being able to swim. What I did here in breaking the stanzas, was attempt to separate the action from the emotion of awe that Beta-expresses. I also tried moving some of the lines around to improve the flow...I put the "Tuesday" line first to take you from when to where...I also re-wprded "surface" to "bubbling water's break" for a more descriptive phrasing. I was looking for another way to say "My traesure chest-Still there" but it escapes me... -Anyway...its just my opinion (and who am I but another poet with opinions) And there are as many styles as there are opinions. I still think this is a fabulous work of great imagination! Strong Kudos Wen! Til Again ~haze |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Wow, what a unique point of few. I have a blue beta (the man at the pet store called him a "Chinese Fighting Dragon"). I love the way the fish only grasps certain concepts of the world (the "Clear Hardness" concept) and is absolutely in awe of a little spider. The irony of a beautiful fish that people buy for a pet wanting to be a little spider that most people would just squash is great. I agree with haze that some lines need to be rephrased to make the language of this piece as expressive and unique as the idea/concept behind it. For a posting like this the title is okay, but I think I would shorten it so that it doesn't give away as much of the poem. Nice job, very creative. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Wendy, Nicely done, an unusual viewpoint and interesting concept. Well written. You have already received a few good comments or suggestions, all of which sound good, if it needs anything at all, that is. I think, like Kirk, I would like a shorter title which doesn't give away quite so much of the poem, maybe make us think a little. Thanks, Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Wendy: I'm in agreement with the above. This was pleasing and different perspective, to be certain. I agree with Pete that the title gives quite a bit away (once I remembered that a Beta is a Chinese Fighting Fish). Nice description here. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
||
|
Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
At first, the length of the piece kept me away...and the first reading left me unimpressed. But after the second reading, all my synapses started clicking, and all was right with the world. I agree with Haze in breaking it down into stanzas. Not necessarily where Haze did it (I admit to not looking at the form of the reply) but the action itself would make the poem seem less daunting, perhaps. A nice work, though. Also, I have to say that if the title weren't there, I wouldn't know what the hell you were talking about. Keep it. Otherwise, it would seem too abstract. The title makes it seem less "artsy", which is how it would come across lacking that nomer. Wordshaman |
||
|
Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
Kirk - I have to admit I'm more a furry-animal type of gal, but when I came to college this year I felt kind of lonely. (I mean, I'm a sophomore, so this isn't my first year, but it is my first year without a roommate, so things can get pretty quiet.) I'd really rather have a cat, but it wouldn't pass the 5-minute rule. (It has to be able to live underwater for 5 minutes to keep it? )SO, I got Cupid. And I hate to admit it, but I love the scaly thing! I never thought I'd go gaga over a fish, but I have over him. I'm completely convinced he's got a personality, and all my friends are crazy about him, too, so I don't feel quite so weird. -wenWordshaman - That was part of my intention of the title: to fill in obvious gaps in the fish's testimony. And I kind of thought stating that he was a Beta (which he wouldn't know what that was) would bring a picture to mind that his own words could not. (After all, he's never looked in a mirror, has he? ) Thank you for replying! -wen |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Wendy...as I've already told you, I think this is a very imaginative piece of poetry. You've used some very good imagery and I find the flow to be rather smooth overall. As for the title...I have to say, in open poetry, that's what attracted me to this piece and it aids considerably to the meaning of the poem. My advice, instead of making the reader wrestle with obscurity, let the title reamin as is. Ruth |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
My Beta Spends His Free Time Doing Laps and Dreaming of Becoming a Spider
