Conversation with the Mirror in the Bathroom of a Bar

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Wordshaman
Member

since 2000-01-17

Posts 110
Illinois, USA

0 posted 2000-01-19 11:16 PM

I don’t know what kind of depths
She sinks to when she’s alone.
I don’t know what she’s done.
I won’t really question it.

Leave that where it lies.
I’m here to have a good time,
Not to play saint.
I could help,
But I could just leave
In the morning tomorrow
And not look back, too.

I’m not here to heal emotional lepers.
I’m here to kill my liver,
To buy drinks for ladies
And take them home and. . .

I can help.
I’ve known many pains.
(Sigh) Just a moment. . .

I leave the bathroom,
The door swinging hollowly shut,
And ask her to tell me more.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-01-19 11:23 PM

Can't say I can really identify with this, but your straightforward style allowed me to feel the character's feelings, which is what a good poem is supposed to do. Glad the character had a change of heart, and showed his heart. I don't want to get into the love 'em and leave 'em stuff ... I'd rant on forever.
Nice piece,

warmhrt

Wordshaman
Member

since 2000-01-17

Posts 110
Illinois, USA

2 posted 2000-01-20 12:36 PM

I can't say that I understand his feelings, either. I'm still trying to understand. The poem is kind of a...study in feeling out what they go through. Or what they don't go through, regrettably.

Wordshaman

Kevin Taylor
Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 185
near Vancouver, BC, Canada

3 posted 2000-01-21 02:29 PM

But I could just leave
In the morning tomorrow
And not look back, too.

Consider ending the stanza at "back" and leave off "too".

Kevin

"Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you got there."

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

4 posted 2000-01-21 02:42 PM

Hey WS:

You may want to tighten up the structure of the first sentence to read: "I don't know to what depths she sinks when she's alone." I also agree with Kevin's suggestion about the word "too".

This is a pretty good description, I think, of a conscience trying to surface after becoming calloused for one reason or another. I'm glad conscience prevailed.

Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

Wordshaman
Member

since 2000-01-17

Posts 110
Illinois, USA

5 posted 2000-01-21 05:12 PM

I don't like the rhythm or the syntax of "I don't know to what depths she sinks when she's alone." Not the way I'd say it in normal speaking, and I don't like the dips it creates in the rhythm.

As for the stanza including the lines

I could help,
But I could just leave
In the morning tomorrow
And not look back, too.

That's meant to be read as prose with the following stresses: "I could HELP, but I could just LEAVE in the morning tomorrow and NOT look back, TOO..." It's the character clinging to the last bit of his belligerence in ignoring her. So, he's weighing his options, and his carnal lusts are trying to get him to love her and leave her...but in the end...he can't.

Wordshaman

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