Mommy Is Going To See Her Child

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Critical Analysis #1

Mommy Is Going To See Her Child

PartiStarks
Junior Member

since 1999-07-31

Posts 38
Brooklyn, NY

0 posted 1999-08-01 03:42 AM

Starring into your eyes from a mile away
Captive in my thoughts you'll always stay
Envisioning you dashing outside to play

Mommy is going to see her child someday

I'll be absent for the first words you'll say
I'll be missing when your kitty-cat goes astray
But I'll be thinking about you everyday

Mommy is going to see her child someday

My eyes wide shut in my bed I lay
I ask the Lord to reunite us every time I pray
I know we're destined to be together anyway

because

Mommy is going to see her child someday

(I am a new writer and I am open for suggestions)

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[This message has been edited by PartiStarks (edited 08-01-99).]

[This message has been edited by PartiStarks (edited 08-01-99).]

Daniel2
Junior Member

since 1999-07-13

Posts 28
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

1 posted 1999-08-01 01:38 PM

The emotion carried by this piece and the subject matter are painful. You have done a good job communicating that.
The rythmn seems a little sing songy, almost like a nursery rhymne. If you broke the rythmn up a bit more, like the rythmn of sobbing. Maybe you could start out with the sing song and move into a choppier rythmn.
Be careful about being too syrupy sweet.
Keep going. There's potential here.

redwriter1
Member

since 1999-07-22

Posts 480
Franklin, TN

2 posted 1999-08-06 01:50 PM

very sad and painful.. but keep going. Don't leave us dangling like this. Tell the rest of the story (smile). Or at least get to the happily ever after part..

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