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Vaguely Describing the Pursuit of Love
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Vaguely Describing the Pursuit of Love |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
I have returned for one more just of that sometimed thing which almost made me feel that way once and again another time before though returned, I'm left without and dulled to wanting more of what she gave too much of once and I returned a'lated too little. ****Hey if ya don't like it please don't be shy about telling me. I'd rather hear about what needs improvement then what seems good already.**** [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 01-18-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Trevor... I'm not ignoring it...I read it yeaterday, left it til today. Its a roundball of a piece spinningspinningspinninground Just like the idea contained of love on the merry-go-round. I loved the first stanza right off. The second stanza, I had to read about 5 times. After that, I hit myself in the head. It doesn't come off right at first but then it does later. What to do with it? I have alot of these myself...Its not imagery, its emotion, it hims-and-haws unclear (sounds like love to me) You might try a reverb/re-phrasing stanza instead. "I returned for one more just of that sometimed thing, which made me feel that way Once and almost again another time before then Once returned I'm left again and dulled to wanting more of what she gave me once too much then of that sometimed thing now returned a'lated too little." I took the liberty of moving this around...Try it on... TA ~haze [This message has been edited by haze (edited 01-18-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Trevor: You know I can't resist a chance to take a shot at you! That's why I took so long to reply ... you didn't give me any openings to take my shot.  This is only a vague description of the pursuit of love if you are not the one thinking these thoughts. Put yourself in the character's place and, voila, not vague anymore. That's what I liked so much about this one. I like Haze's recommendations, by the way. Sorry I don't have any constructive criticisms for this one. I really liked it. (Okay, I said it ... now send that Tylenol with Codeine like you promised). |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I think in beauty by my mind of your mind feeling pastfully vague in precision and there where I've been. (But I'm afraid that "a'lated" spun me right off the merry-go-round.) |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, HAZE: Thanks soooo much for your input, I revised it using a few of your suggestions. What'cha think? JIM: You poor drug addicted soul....I'm still waiting on my K-Mart rifle that you promised....how can I cleanse my workplace if I don't have the firepower to back me up...I guess I'll send the Tylenol anyways  TED: What I meant by "a'lated too little" was "too little too late". Thank you all for your comments, take care, Trevor [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 01-18-2000).] |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
TREVOR! Yes! That's it! I did neglect to tell you how much I loved the play on "a'lated too little" Its the perfect summation. What you have done with this works wonders...the message goes roundroundround. I Love It! TA ~haze |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
TREVOR: If you are a Canadian Postal worker then you have a BIG reason to be disgruntled. The gun's in the mail ... er ... better make that UPS. Jim |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
trevor-- you don't have the rifle from jim yet, right? good... i'm generally a pretty big fan of your work out here, but i really didn't like this one, trevor. it came across to me like a gimmick piece, like you were trying a trick, which is great, i love magic shows and all, but this trick was just too confusing and muddled if you ask me. "a'lated too little" seemed to cap it all... really didn't work for me, either as 'elated too little,' 'too little too late,' or a combination of the two. i think if you wanted to show love as a merrygoround or something, if indeed that's what you're doing here, there's got to be a better way than screwing around with word order; a way that conveys the sense of confusion without confusing the reader. your approach here left me cold. but you guys up north like the cold, right? lol maybe you intended that? anyways, just my opinion, and it's worth pretty much what ya paid for it, lol. i look forward to more of your work, most respectfully, jenni |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Jenni: No rifle yet but after comments like the ones you made I'm sure you'll be the first to know when I get one J/K. Actually I'm glad someone finally told me they didn't like it cause the same thoughts you had on the poem I already had before I posted it. Yes it's a gimmicky poem, I think the title is an early give-away to that. What inspired me to write this poem was the fact I have read about a thousand unintentionally vague poems on love and thought what would it be like to intentionally avoid describing love or what it feels like while trying to portray it as something I wanted but could not get. I wasn't really trying to show love as a merry-go-round, more as an unattainable staus of this character (at least on his terms) and if there is a continual loop then it was unintentional and perhaps another revision is in order to eliviate it. Originally I wanted to completely side step the issue of love, more or less try and work completely around the issue without any story line whatsoever but added a brief storyline. As far as "a'lated" goes, the play on words (elated) was also completely unintentional....didn't even realize it until Haze pointed it out. I like to muck about with words to help avoid cliches and sometimes little invented words are needed. Couldn't bring myself to say, "too little too late" or anything overdone meaning the same. It's almost impossible to always avoid repetition in statements but can be done in wording. I wanted to take late from an adjective state and turn it into a verb or adverb or whatever the hell it is now (pronoun? Damn I'm brutal with the Anglais), him being late is not enough therefore he is a lated (a late person) and his late arrival was too little to gain back the love of this women. I only added the apostrophe in order to eliviate any confusion on spelling error. Anyways I don't think my little muddled explanation will make ya change your mind on it....and it shouldn't, just wanted to offer up the reason behind it...wasn't meant to be part of some trickery, just meant to rid my poem of a cliche and the boredom of having a limited vocabulary.As far as leaving ya cold....I did say it was a vague description didn't I? I kinda wanted it to sound like "MMMMM, it's like that movie with that girl who does that thing and ends up going there." When I know what love is perhaps I'll write a more indepth poem about it, until then I guess I'll just have to live in my igloo and ride my dogsled...in the white hurly burly cold of Canada And your opinion is worth a hell of a lot more than I paid for it. Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate and respect them. Take care, Trevor |
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