»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Dancing with Lilith and Pan
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Dancing with Lilith and Pan |
|
|
Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Pan, of course was the Greek God of wild nature, and Lilith, in Hebrew myth, was Adam's first wife. They shared the quality of dangerous seductiveness, and I thought it would be interesting to let them perform together for once. If you're not in a hurry, you might read this slowly to yourself in a barely audible whisper. Then let me know if it works. Come dance in the garden with Lilith and Pan. There's a lord for each lady, a maid for each man. The sound of their piping will banish all care. Come dance in the gardens-- they wait for you there. Come dance with each stranger, and love one, perchance. A faint wisp of danger is lost in the dance, For a cool breeze will pardon each maid and each man That dance in the garden With Lilith and Pan. Now evening flows in and the dusk-shadows rise, but we still are drawn on by the sparks of his eyes. There are creeper and vine our swift feet to ensnare, but we twirl on, enmeshed in the swirl of her hair. We weave to their power and crush underfoot each thistle and flower, each grass-blade and root. Cicada and cricket all sing the can-can as we dance in the thicket with Lilith and Pan. Now the two lead us on to the depths of the wood, While our hands start to stray and our kisses draw blood. With thigh and breast pressing their flesh-hungry claims, we circle, caressing the rim of the flames. The flames toss and flicker, they weave their web higher, they whisper and snicker of lust and desire. It's high time for turning, escape, if you can, or dance in the burning with Lilith and Pan. |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Ted Reynolds - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
"If you're not in a hurry, you might read this slowly to yourself in a barely audible whisper. Then let me know if it works." Ted, this works. This really works. Excellent job here. The iamb/anapest (da-DUM/da-da-DUM) and occasionally anapest/anapest (da-da-DUM/da-da-DUM) combination in most of the lines gives this thing a wonderfully musical lilt, my man. My only criticism (a metrical one) is with, "For a cool breeze will pardon". My first reading of this, naturally, came out "for a / cool BREEZE / will PAR- / -don". I stumbled a bit over this. Forcing the stress on "cool" instead of "breeze" seemed a little un-natural to me. Your "song" here, though, does start the old metronome going in my head and I found myself stressing "cool" on my second reading. Let me know what you think of all of this. Otherwise, this was remarkably well done. Thanks. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ted, it sure worked for me. Even without the background study it was a great read. Thanks. Pete |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Show me to the garden! Wonderful work, even though the poem makes it clear there is danger, I am still magically convinced to "dance in the garden/With Lilith and Pan." The only line I didn't like as well was "the can-can". It reads aloud wonderfully. Truly beautiful. |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
ted-- very well done! it's hard to write in the scheme you've chosen here and not have it seem too silly, but you've done a nice job of keeping things moving forward, into the flames and darkness. but one thing? i have to agree with kirk t. walker, the 'can-can' line seemed a little forced. a nice piece overall, though, thanks for the read. jenni |
||
|
J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Ted, This most definately works. Fabulous poem, you really blended the two tales well. You painted the picture flawlessly. Really a great one. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
||
|
John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Ted, this works very well for me. Have to echo the can-can comments: felt way out of Time. Shall definitely read this to the lady sometime soon. Thanks. |
||
|
Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Thanks, one and all. "Can-can" goes, that's for sure. Didn't like it myself. Now to find another rhyme that I haven't already used . . . "lead in the van"? Naw. Well, that's my problem. Bye for now. |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Ted, I absolutely loved this playfully devilish poem (with a hint of sensuality). As far as your problem goes with wanting to change that line, how about, "cicada and cricket, sing with the pavan"? The slow, steady dance thing seems to fit with the poem, and it has a bit of a softer sound. Just a suggestion to take or leave, and to try to help. Nice work, Ted, warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-18-2000).] |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
First, I certainly enjoyed the intro. Made for a more enjoyable read. Have to ditto comments on the "can-can" however, so will leave it to you and your devises to smother that line. It quickly brought me from the world you had created to "civilization" and I didn't enjoy the transport. Other than that - MAGIC! Sunshine Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
||
|
haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
WOW! I am certainly sorry to be a traggler on this piece. This is fabulously wrought, the lyrical flow leads to the garden and the rhythm to the dance, the words to the innocent/decadence born only of true children of nature... You wrapped this incredible duo tightly and with great style! Extreme Kudos! ~haze |
||
|
Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Warmhrt: "Pavan' (pavane?) will do great, once I find a phrase which matches the poem's beat. Thanks. Jim: I'm afraid if I start thinking about iambs and anapests, I'll end up like the centipede thinking about walking. In my case, I have to do it without thinking about it. Everybody: Well, reading all your comments didn't hurt at all. I'm glad I could please people in my turn, whose work has recently so much pleased me. Onward, together (but watch those flames.) |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ted This comes to you without thinking about it? I hate you!  Jim |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
YEah, gotta say I really enjoyed this poem (and I hate having to say that without my scissors and razors  ). BTW I needed the explanation, I had no idea who Lilith was. I agree with letting the "can-can" go and just like to say I have a personal grudge against "cicada". Also I didn't find the "cool breeze" line stumbling like Jim did....forgive him....he's hooked on Canadian Tylenol. Anyways it flowed beautifully and the imagry was excellent. Thanks for the wonderful read, take care,Trevor |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Well, now I am going to be late for class, but that's okay. I had to make one more quick suggestion, rather than be guilty of, as Thomas Carlyle wrote, having "Only a torch for burning,[and] no hammer for building". Anyway, in replace of the "can-can" I thought this might make a suitable replacement: "Cicada and cricket Sing, lifting the ban, as we dance in the thicket with Lilith and Pan. " [This message has been edited by Kirk T Walker (edited 01-20-2000).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
