»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
As We Kiss
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
As We Kiss |
|
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
As We Kiss by Kirk T Walker When I am in your embrace Time seems to streak blindingly by your face. Your absence seems to make its motion extinct, The slow drip-dripping of a poets ink. When together The leaves change colors on the tree So fast I can see eternity. So it is that when in your embrace The ages of all time I can retrace To a time when we kissed, To our lips first touching, My heart beating, blood rushing, A thousand memories in a kiss, Orifice to orifice. Returning us To gardens gate and hissing vice, And things less nice, To the days of Genesis. As we destroy times edifice, And crumbling down comes all time. The world is put in parenthesis As we kiss. |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Enotneicna Member
since 1999-06-06
Posts 340Oakland, Or, USA |
Romantic.....i like it, except one line.... Orifice to orifice...for me it undoes the romance. Words are my medicine. Read and live and love and heal! |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
In response to Enotneicna: The line "orifice to orifice" was meant just as another way to say kissing, and while the word "orifice" may not in itself be romantic, I believe its value is in what it represents and in its sound. Thank you for your thoughts. |
||
|
Ophelia Junior Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 19 |
Kirk, Truly a romantic poem, and while sometimes I think a ryhme scheme kills a poem's thought, you have been able to break my pre-concieved notion that rhyme hampers creativity. Beautiful, and even a bit sensual... fantastic! Ophelia |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
In response to Ophelia: Thank you for the wonderful compliments. |
||
|
Justbleu Member Elite
since 1999-08-31
Posts 3329Oregon, Originally From Alaska :) |
I agree with Enotneicna....cuz up until that line I loved it!! It just seemed to take soo much away from this piece Take Care Bridgette [This message has been edited by Justbleu (edited 01-17-2000).] |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
In response to Justbleu: Thank you very much for taking time to comment on my work and help to give weight to Enotneicna's argument against the line "orifice to orifice". I will strongly reconsider that line in future revisions. |
||
|
Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I do like the sing and the rhyme of this. Two little "nits" to pick. 1) Unless you're going to make ignoring apostrophes your trademark, I think "garden's gate" and "time's edifice" make your meaning a touch clearer. 2) The inversion of "and tumbling down comes all time," jars me a little. I'd prefer "and all time comes tumbling down" (especially since your not rhyming that line) . . . (and now I start wondering why you didn't.) Anyway, my basic reaction is highly positive (and you don't have to respond to this comment.) |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
