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Let Down
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Let Down |
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
Viciously defiant of my ill matched make up. As if looking better would improve my mood. I even hate the very pencil I painfully employ to convey my feelings of greyness. Although I blame you for for hurting me , i know I am the one to blame for expecting too much. While I am building you castles in the sky , you dont seem to care.And every time I try it breaks me dowm a little more. I watch you undress again and again , in all possible meanings. I still am very much in love with you despite yourself. |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
littlewings: i have mixed feelings about this one... there are parts that seem very powerful and parts that seem to draw away from what i percieve as the intended message... as always, these are just suggestions  in line 3, i would eliminate the words "even" and "very" , you might consider moving the last 4 words in line 4 to the beginning of line 5 (it seemed more powerful to me that way), lastly in line 5 i feel that the "castles in the sky" metaphor is a little too trite for what you're attempting to express... i think a new, innovative metaphor that you think up yourself would give the whole work a deeper and more solemn feeling (perhaps something such as "while I attempt to navigate the seas of your soul")... i like the poem and its sentiment even though it leaves me with feelings of anger towards the object of the poem and pity for the speaker (neither of which i like to feel *heh*)... oh, and one last thing -- i really like the next to last line... it's nearly impossible for me to understand "all meanings", but it makes me think about what they might be... ;o) sincerely, --jerome the boy with no brain |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Littlewings, I like the sentiment expressed here...it is atime old tale of lost love. I agree with Jerome about the "castes in the sky"...I hear this a lot. I am also wondering what "in all possible meanings" is refering to...I'll think on that one. Nice piece... it is shame some don't see what they do to others. Hawk |
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