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patchoulipumpkin
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 196
Bermuda

0 posted 2000-01-11 06:51 PM

diaspora, he said
That’s the word
Yeh, you know it
I said I did

He said he didn’t
But heard it
At the conference
Where it thrived

It lived in every mouth there
It was in him
In her
In them over there

It fluttered around
Like it belonged
As if it had a home

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2000-01-11 06:59 PM

Patch:

Wow.  This one has punch.  You captured the meaning of the word (and, I think, the plight of the people to whom the word is often applied) wonderfully.

Diaspora, buy the way (for those who might not know) means "dispersion" in Greek (?) and is a term often applied to the Jews dispersed throughout the known world after General Titus finally defeated them in or around 80 A.D..  There would not be another Jewish state until 1949 (I think).

"Like it belonged" and "As if it had a home" sounds almost anti-Semitic to me though.  Please correct me if I'm wrong about that.

Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

patchoulipumpkin
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 196
Bermuda

2 posted 2000-01-11 07:58 PM

Thanks for the response, sorry i don't know your name, but would acknowledge it if i did. Anyhoo, yeh its funny, i knew the last line was dicey because it could be taken two ways:

1. Negatively-i.e. "yeh, like it could have a home"

2. More ambiguous-i.e. "It was searching for a home"

I'm aware of the two connotations, and obviously didn't intend it negatively, i just was having trouble figuring out how to get it expressed without sounding trite, or cheesy.

Here were some of my ideas
(last two lines)

Belonging
To a home

Like it belonged
It had a home
(kinda trite this one)

Like it belonged
To a home
(hmm, i don't know)

Anyway, i would love some help, because, like i say, i knew the ending was suspect, and didn't really like it to begin with but wasn't really sure of the other ideas. Thanks for the encouragement.

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

3 posted 2000-01-11 09:31 PM

patch--

this is a great piece! i really enjoyed this, it's very, very creative.

as to your last line?

it fluttered about,
longing to belong;
apart, while yet at home.

i don't know; just a suggestion.

jenni

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

4 posted 2000-01-12 07:51 AM

Patch:

I've been thinking about this one quite a bit, actually. I, personally, think that changing the ending would be a mistake. I think I like there being both the "negative" and "ambiguous" interpretations to the final lines of this poem. It, I think, illustrates the plight of the Jews better than any line I could suggest.

My suggestion? Keep the lines as they are. They give the poem an extra punch. The speakers in the poem could be anybody (Jew or Gentile) and both spins on the final line are feasible in real life. That is why I think I like it so much. You've written two poems in one, here.

Just my two cents.

Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

John Foulstone
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 100
Australia

5 posted 2000-01-12 08:57 AM

Hi, Pumpkin. Totally agree with Jim's second post. Let it be. It's good.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood ...

haze
Senior Member

since 1999-11-03

Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA

6 posted 2000-01-12 02:12 PM

JUST EXCELLENT! I Love It!

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