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Blind-sided
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Blind-sided |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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it is nearly too hard to write, a leaden soul, a heavy heart, reside within me, blocking out the light. i wish to write of life's delights, but I am blinded to them. mind's eye can't see them either, it is wrapped up in visions of broken hearts, vanished dreams, and love lost to deceitful schemes, of hidden agendas, cruelties, of the pain that is a part of me. oh, this hurt is too much of a burden to carry, breaking my back, making me weary, i beg of someone to dare to lift it out of me, so i could just drift away on the next warm breeze. warmhrt |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Too, too sad, Warmheart (hope you don't mind me using your "full" name  ). Reads well, tho' I found the inconsistency in rhyme pattern a little bit distracting. Sort of going along nicely, mind's ear anticipating the next rhyme, and .. it's not there! So back to see if I'd misread something.I'd either even up the rhyme pattern, or avoid it altogether. It's never too late to have a happy childhood ... |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
John, Thanks for your help...this was a "raw" piece, written in one draft, straight from the heart. I knew it needed work, but felt it had something to say. I hope to rework it into a decent poem, and with everyone's help, it may end up that way. Sincerely, warmhrt |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Warmhrt... This truly sounds like tough love...very sad indeed. I think the fourth and fifth lines of the the last stanza could benefit from rewording. The way it is seems to falter the flow of the poem a bit...but overall I really enjoyed the drama. The way you use the word "dare", it's almost as if the speaker already knows what the outcome will be...or is she still hopefull? Hawk |
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