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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Boone New Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 4 |
Your Christmas present, did take some thought Here are some things, that you almost got A set of snow tires, for your new car A drink all night coupon, to use at the bar A basket that held, assorted size fruits A new pair of thermal, snow shoveling boots A day out spent fishing, in a boat, on a lake A traditional tin, inside, a pound cake Household type items, like tape or white glue A mousetrap or maybe, a bone that dogs chew Those are the things, that men usually buy A husband would have, but not from this guy Thanks to the NET, your gifts stuck in the mail It’s coming real soon, so sit tight Teri Gayle So as we wait, it’s the gift of a poem I know it’s not something, that you can take home Written for you, not picked from a store It’s comes from my heart, so I hope it means more I sometimes forget, what I’ve recently ate Or the movie I watched, when I stayed up so late But one thing stays clear, and sharp as a knife It’s the wonderful day, you brought love to my life When I first saw you, I stared quite a while Just drop dead gorgeous, with a beautiful smile Dark hair with no curl, and sexy brown eyes, A tall beautiful woman, with parts the right size A deer in the headlights, the look that I gave Too stunned to say hi, or just simply wave I could have gone over, to buy you a drink But I was too dazed, unable to think Somehow the stumbling, start we got past I wanted that weekend, to not be our last A cute country girl, plus funny and smart I started to learn from you, right at the start So many things, that I thought that I knew Your love showed me what, it was time I out grew I wanted to know, and learn things your way I listened real close, to what you had to say Each word you spoke, rang true in my ear Love is a blessing, not something to fear Before you I figured, some things did not mix That Love was not needed, in bed during sex That men did not talk, from their hearts or shed tears Or share private dreams, or admit their life fears How shallow the truths are, I’d lived my life by I can’t ever repay you, for saving this guy Now please understand, and don’t get me wrong All that has its place, but then there’s you in your thong Not only do I want you, down on your knees I also want picnics, under big old oak trees I want to kiss daily, the lips that match mine Then make love for hours, drink bottles of wine But then the mood changes, I’ll fill you with beer And I’ll pull on your hair, while spanking your rear Again I have learned , from you and your touch That sex without passion, doesn’t mean very much It’s when there is love, that it’s finally right To say things so nasty, or tie you up tight We stuff so much love, into each afternoon Then sharing at night, through the stars and the moon Impossibly waiting, to see you again And hoping you fight, off all other men Walking the path, that our love winds through Your passion is what makes each kiss something new I have two good eyes, but I never could see For what you have done, you are everything to me |
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| © Copyright 2000 Boone - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Boone, you're a nut. I've just "met" you and I already like you (welcome to Passions). This was very amusing. Some of the lines seemed a little bit forced to preserve your rhyme scheme and there some grammatical mistakes but, aside from that, I enjoyed. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Boone New Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 4 |
Thanks JB. I agree the rhyme scheme is forced at times, and I should have had it flow a little better in places. I am a real rookie at trying to express myself like this, and now that I have found this site, I hope to evolve a bit. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Welcome, Boone, I thought this was cute, irreverent, and, if it's true, Teri Gayle's a lucky girl, and a smart one. warmhrt |
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Boone New Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 4 |
Thank You. Yes it is all true, which lead to the forcing of words. I was more focused on actual events (and in a bit of a hurry) Like I said above, I have a desire to do this better.... |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
boone-- this is a cute piece! i am sure teri gayle loved it. if you are serious about making it better, though.... i agree with jim that some (i'd say alot, actually) of the lines seem forced. making a poem "flow" naturally is hard, but i know you can do it if you put your mind to it! just follow your muse she won't steer you wrong keep pen to the paper and eyes off that thong! i would also get rid of the first four stanzas; the "catalog" of presents is really a different poem in and of itself, and although it does, of course, set up the "ode to teri gayle", it's a little distracting. (and think of how happy she'd have been if you had written TWO poems for her! that's right, boone, twice as happy.) thanks for the enjoyable read. jenni p.s.: you know, there's only 41 more writing days 'til valentine's day.... |
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Boone New Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 4 |
Thank You. You are very perceptive. The original version started where you suggested the break. I added in the front to explain to her the gift of the poem, then, the main message. I realize that I actually could have done more, with less, and that skill is what I hope to improve on. |
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