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Angry Child (Would like serious input)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Angry Child (Would like serious input) |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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I am presenting the same "story" in two different forms: free verse and sonnet. I would very much appreciate your thoughts on which one is more effective in communicating the "feeling" of the piece. Thanks For Poo...hope all is well. an angry child, with bewildered eyes, cries out for help, not with her voice, but through her deeds, sadness disguising as rage. she seeks relief from her torment, but does not comprehend, what it is, why it's there, she only knows she is unhappy, and wants to escape, to places where she has known happiness, imagining her demons will not follow. they take her away, to strange surroundings, to lie in bed at night and wonder why she's there, deciding that it must be because she's been bad, and that she must try very hard to be very good, for she knows it's her only way out. she yearns for a hug and a kiss goodnight, for someone to tell her that she'll be alright. she stares at the moon, and whispers a prayer, "please, I just want to go home, and be a good girl". Sonnet An angry child cried in her own way, A sadness hidden in bewildered eyes, She cried not with her voice, but with display, Of actions that she could not justify, Relief from torment sought, not knowing why, The demons followed her where she would go, She ran to many places where she'd try, To find some happiness, but they would know, Committed then, in bed, at night to lie, And try to understand just why she's there, Is it because she's bad, she wonders why, The loneliness too much for her to bear, She yearns for hugs, and stares up at the sky, Of home, she dreams inside her little world, And tells herself she must be a good girl. warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-03-2000).] |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Hello, Warmheart! On first read, it seemed to me the free verse was more effective, and that's saying something 'cause I generally don't care much for free verse. I hope Poo is well, too. |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
And I preferred the sonnet, but that may just be a "haggis" thing, that is, a matter of personal taste. I like structure myself. Anyway, I think they're both good, the sonnet best. By the way, the first gives a feeling of a child in an orphanage or foster home, while the sonnet might be a misunderstood child in her own home. This makes the under-current different in the two pieces. There are a couple of "poetisms" in the sonnet I'd get rid of -- "of actions which herself they did belie," in trying to be poetic, becomes incoherent (to me)-- and I don't think "where e'er" works any more these days. Others may differ. Anyway, good job. I've done worse, (and that recently.) |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
I am not normaly a fan of Sonnets, but I think it works very well here. However...upon several readings, I think that the free-verse actually conveys more emotion....Honestly Warmhrt...it is a toss up to subjective preference. Very nice piece. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WH: I think the free-verse reads easier. Now that your have writing in iambic pentameter pretty much under your belt, you may want to try not ending your sentences and phrases with your rhyming words. This is challenging but it makes for a more interesting read. See Brad's "Hobbies" or my "My Autistic Child" for some examples on here if you need them. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Warmhrt, Like the theme immensely. I feel the free-verse approach read the best; the rhymes in the sonnet seemed somewhat forced. J.L.H. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you to all who took the time to read and voice their opinion on this one. Looks like the free verse is the chosen one, but I don't know if that's because i usually write free verse, or the sonnet is not well-written. BTW, Poo was a 9 yr. old girl with psychotic depression (depression usually shows itself as anger in children). She was put into residential treatment, and felt totally abandoned. It's so heartbreaking to hear a child say they want to die...one of the saddest things I'm sure I'll ever be witness to. Thanks, John, for your wish for her. And my sincere appreciation to all, warmhrt |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WH: NOOOOOO!!!!! Don't stop writing sonnets! You have improved incredibly in such a short span of time! Take a look at what I did with some punctuation and some VERY minor changes and let me know what you think. I think this improves the flow a bit. Again, let me know. An angry child cried in her own way, Her sadness hidden. With bewildered eyes, She cried (not with her voice but with display) Of actions that she couldn't justify, Relief from torment sought. Not knowing why The demons followed her where she would go, She ran to many places where she'd try, To find some happiness. But they would know, Committed then in bed at night to lie. She'd try to understand just why she's there. Is it because she's bad? she wonders why, The loneliness too much for her to bear. She yearns for hugs and stares up at the sky. Of home, she dreams inside her little world, And tells herself she must be a good girl. P.S. You could omit "She yearns for hugs and stares up at the sky" and make this a true sonnet (14 lines). "Needing hugs" could be implied by (1) her loneliness (th former line) and (2) that she is a little girl. "stares up at the sky" seems to set up "dreams inside her little world" but removing the former does not, in my opinion, detract from the latter. You have a great deal of talent here and I'd hate to see you give up on structured poetry. I think in time you will discover that structured writing and the skills that accompany it (understanding meter, rhyme, etc.) will help your free-verse improve a great deal. Just my thoughts, though. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-04-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
warmheart-- i like the free-verse version better. i don't think its because the sonnet is terrible, but rather because the first version is simply more powerful, especially with the little girl speaking at the end. (very well done!) i liked your 15-line sonnet alot, too, lol. i agree with some of jim's suggestions, though, especially adding the period in "Her sadness hidden. With bewildered eyes, / She cried ..." (this is jim's beloved enjambment he's been talking so much about, lol.) i would lose the parentheses in line 3, though, and put a period after "know" (line 8) and a comma after "lie" (line 9), instead of the other way around. one more thing i would do is change the second-to-last line to "she dreams of home inside her little world"; i just think it reads better that way. in your first version, i think it might be more correct to say "sadness disguisED as rage" at the end of the first stanza; i ain't no grammarian, though, lol.  writing two different poems on the same subject sounds like an excellent exercise, i just might try it one of these days. thanks for TWO good reads! keep up the good work. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 01-04-2000).] |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
wrmhrt...this must have been terribly difficult to write. I have a story about Christopher (he's 3) and found it almost impossible to work into a viable piece. I applaud your strength in this. You have done well with both forms. I personally prefer the free verse version because it has a more honest voice but don't stop writing sonnets (echoing Jenni here) Your poetic strength is growing, nuture it, don't squash it! the ending of this is a killer, a sad and too true killer...EXTREME KUDOS! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
jennie and haze....thanks so much for reading and commenting. I'm so happy you liked it. Jim, I don't know yet about the sonnets. I am much more artistic and effective with free verse, as shown here by all those(including you) who thought the free verse was more powerful. Also, the example you gave me is good, but not at all me. It seems too broken up for my taste. I might like it if someone else writes in that manner, but I wouldn't want to. I truly do appreciate all of your help, and advice, and will always listen....but, remember, I've got that bit of a stubborn streak, and tend to want to do things my way. Jim,teacher, thanks again, and I'll do those 20 laps.  |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
A P.S. to jenni, Disguising can be used, as the poem is speaking in the present tense. If it were the past tense, then diguised would be used. I'm pretty sure on this, but if others who are grammatically inclined disagree, let me know. warmhrt |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Just thought I'd pop in and add my two cents to the disguised/disguising debate. The overall tense of the poem has nothing to do with the proper usage here. Take a look at 'bewildered eyes': if you change that to bewildering eyes, you change who or what is bewildered. 'bewildered eyes' means eyes that are bewildered. 'bewildering eyes' means eyes that bewilder. See the difference? Disguising versus disguised is the same thing. 'Sadness disguised as rage' means that sadness is disguised while 'sadness disguising as rage' means sadness is disguising [itself probably] as rage. I tried to avoid using any grammatical terms here because I know that when people hear those crazy things, their eyes usually start to glaze over. Anyway, I hope that helps a little bit and just for the record I have a very different idea of grammar in general than most people. I don't see it as a series of right or wrong rules to follow in order to write proper English. There is no such thing as proper English, only English that is easier to understand for certain people or that expresses an idea more clearly and specifically. Does this mean you can do anything you want? Of course it does. The trick is how many other people will understand you or what you are trying to do. Geez, is everybody falling asleep on me now. :0 |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brad, I have always tried to be grammatically correct, but being able to do anything I want as long as others understand me will be a hell of a lot more fun! And it will also open up a wide range of possibilities for word usage that I'd never thought of before. Thanks, Bradleywarmhrt |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hehe. She call you Bradley. Hehe. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
This is an excellent poem - very heart rending. I love both versions actually - everyone else has pretty much said all of the changes for the sonnet I could think of - I love the idea of brackets after 'she cried'. now the freeverse - I am trying here to not allow the fact that I write freeverse exclusively influence what I say - but that will be difficult!! When I write FV I usually structure it - choosing my own structure to lend impact to certain parts - to create a certain feel. I see some areas in here that I might change the structure of simply to give an already powerful piece, more power. At present I feel it is a little too blocked - some lines, maybe single words need to stand alone. I have written it as I see this implemented - and cut out a few words that perhaps lend it more impact without them – I think it works well without the last line – the image of a lost child wanting to go home is a very powerful one and seems to give it a kick. I removed some of the punctuation too - just to add to the 'feel' of it. I do hope this is OK for me to do - I tried for serious input!! (And I also read what you wrote to Jim about your stubborn streak! hehe - me too!) Please tell me what you think, WH. KFor Poo...hope all is well. an angry child bewildered eyes she cries out ‘help’ not with her voice but through her deeds sadness disguising as rage she seeks relief from torment but does not comprehend what it is why it's there she knows only unhappiness a wanting of escape of places she has known happiness imagining demons who do not follow they take her away to strange surroundings to lie in bed at night and wonder why she's there deciding that it must be because she's bad deciding she must try so hard to be very very good for she knows it's the only way out she yearns for a hug and a kiss goodnight for someone to tell her she'll be alright. She stares at the moon, whispers a prayer: “please, I just want to go home” < !signature--> '...I want to be free - free to know people and their backgrounds - free to move to different parts of the world...' Sylvia Plath [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 01-08-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Severn, First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to read this and give me the serious input I requested. I loved the way you restructured the free verse...it does put much more emphasis on certain key words and phrases. You did see what I said to Jim, though, and I feel that your way is a signature to your work, and I wouldn't feel right imitating it. I could possibly work within my own style to emphasize those key parts more effectively. I thank you again, sincerely, warmhrt |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
LOL! I know, I know - just wanted to do the example thing - I didn't feel like just a few lines would demonstrate what I meant, so I did the whole thing - I really like it you know, I do - which I guess is part of the reason I did restructure the whole poem in that way - to fully illustrate my intent. I think it is excellent that you are not easily swayed and are determined enough to discern what you think is best for your work. K '...I want to be free - free to know people and their backgrounds - free to move to different parts of the world...' Sylvia Plath |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WH: Just a quick point about this "signature" thing. Be careful about mistaking a poetic tool with a poet's signature. Enjambment has been around much longer than I have and I would never consider it's use my signature. I don't even think I've been writing long enough to have a "signature". Just a quick point ... WH? WH? Are you awake? Geeze, Brad, it looks like you and I are the only people awake in here! (Notice ... no "Bradley" this time). Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Now, how could anybody fall asleep on questions of grammar, diction, syntax, and poetic techniques? Do you think it's us? Nahhhhhhhhh, couldn't be. Could it? I'm getting this confused and insecure feeling right now. Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: You know ... it just might be us! My wife fell asleep just the other night in the midst of my reading a selection of Poe's paper on versification. Well Brad, if it IS us, atleast we know we have each other. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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