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Daybreak
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Daybreak |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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I sit, as darkness yields to light, nicotine coursing through veins, limbic spewed jumbled messages leap synaptic clefts, unable to enter yet asleep, the frontal lobe. light steals through cracks in blinds, dances on the bedroom walls, while thoughts so primitive remain, animal thoughts, clawing at the bone, void of reason full of needing hungry gnawing prowling discovering remains of something lost, exploring acrid air, nothing to be found to satisfy the void, emptiness pervades the marrow. reasoning judgement awaken, feeling limp, wrinkled sheets, the bed is meaningless, you are gone. warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 12-29-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
I am not much of a critic, I just know what I like and I like this. You let us feel your pain so well and so descriptively. Thanks for another well written read. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WH: Where can I get your book?  I have a natural aversion to free-verse (usually) but I think your word choices are like Pepcid AC to my distaste.  "... limbic spewed jumbled messages leap synaptic clefts, unable to enter yet asleep, the frontal lobe." Synaptic clefts? I really like that. "... void of reason full of needing hungry gnawing prowling ..." Where you aware of the trochees here when you were writing this? I notice that Poe does much the same thing when he is fishing for a similar effect. The final stanza rings of Camus' absurdity ... and a little bit of Freddie Mercury's "...nothing really matters..." at the end of "Bohemian Rhapsody". Very nice work. Liked it much. P.S. Care to offer a lopsidedly left-brained, textbook anal retentive any pointers on writing free-verse? Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, "I sit, as darkness yields to light, nicotine coursing through veins, limbic spewed jumbled messages leap synaptic clefts, unable to enter yet asleep, the frontal lobe." I really liked the second half of this stanza and the build up to its hectic world. "light steals through cracks in blinds, dances on the bedroom walls, while thoughts so primitive remain, animal thoughts," I thought the "remain, animal thoughts," was an unneeded line. "clawing at the bone, void of reason full of needing hungry gnawing prowling discovering remains of something lost," Excellent use of words and tempo change. "exploring acrid air, nothing to be found to satisfy the void, emptiness pervades the marrow." This came off as a little flat compared to the previous barrage of energy....especially the kinda cliched "nothing to be found to satisfy the void,". "reasoning judgement awaken, feeling limp, wrinkled sheets, the bed is meaningless, you are gone." Terrific ending and great word choice again. All in all a very enjoyable poem. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Septsong - you are kind and generous with your comments. Thank you so much. Jim - you honor me with the asking to teach you?!!! (I loved the Pepcid AC reference) Trevor - I'm so glad I wrote one that didn't have to be torn apart completely...just a few adjustments made here and there. And I'm so very glad you enjoyed the read. Thank you. warmhrt |
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